Personal Blog: Something to believe in

“Find something to believe in. And find it for yourself. And when you do, pass it on to the future.

Solid Snake, Metal Gear Solid 2: Sons of Liberty

I rediscovered this quote recently, and it ended up resonating with me quite heavily. For all the different issues that can be found in the Metal Gear franchise; a lot of the underlying themes tend to be ageless in their relevancy to modern issues. Whilst the above quote is not exactly commentary on nuclear war, mass surveillance or modern society in general, it provided me with a moment of reflection.

For a bit of context, I currently consider myself to be in a somewhat formative period of my life, and whilst life itself is a journey in which learning is one of the few constants, there are definitely key events that are coming together all at once:

• Recently finished a three-year degree course, with an official graduation just under a month away
• Preparing to live the rest of my life as a transgender woman, and all the issues & connotations that come with it
• Embarking on a job search whilst simultaneously trying to discover what I want to get out of a career
• And this website itself, dedicated to forming a personal and professional identity through my works of writing

How do these relate to the quote?

University was not the easiest journey for me. There is no denying that I have come out of it a more well-developed individual, having grown in multiple ways since my first day of induction and having learned valuable skills relating to an area of interest along with developing transferable skills useful for my future career.

But there was also a fair bit of myself that went on the back burner, a case of “I’ll resolve this later”, and as more work piled up and deadlines loomed, my psyche saw this as a way of being able to push these issues further down because “You don’t have the time to think about these now”.

This is both insanely unhealthy generally and considering the world of good seeing a counsellor did for me in my final days at uni, the complete wrong approach to take in hindsight.

So, we jump back to now, where the structure of university has departed my life, and whilst the more unpleasant memories have gone with it, all the issues I pushed down now have nothing holding them back, like flood defences that have weathered their final storm. The driving force of finishing my degree is not here anymore.

And whilst I have an amazing support network behind me in the form of my friendship groups, I know I cannot, and should not, allow them to choose what direction my life takes next. Can I rely on them for advice? Of course. Can I ask them for support if things hit a rough patch? Yeah. Can I ask them to make any of my decisions for me? Nope.

I like to consider myself independent… to an extent. Whilst there are some practical skills I’ve picked up over the years that will assist me in my adult life, there are also some that have never really developed. The most frustrating one I am lacking in is the ability to swiftly reach a firm decision on things, often spending time dawdling on the details until something comes along that lights a fire under my feet.

Though… I do take refuge in the fact that there is practically always a way to recover your stride in life. Going off the beaten path can prove difficult, but that path will eventually lead back to a smoother road to travel along. There is also no shame or stigma that should come with needing to start anew, taking stock of what once was and using that to plot a new trajectory in life.

Which does bring me nicely to the second half of the quote that inspired this personal post:

“Believe in what?” – Raiden

“That’s your problem.” – Snake

I know I will eventually find something to properly believe in, something that will act as my guiding life in light, and maybe, someday, act as inspiration for someone to follow the path my shadow creates.

I just cannot expect it to come from someone else, because it does, then I didn’t really find it for myself.