At time of writing there are about seven days left in the year, and I figured I would use this time to evaluate what I have done this year, what I have achieved, and look forward to what may be coming next.
So, two of the biggest things to happen this year to me were fully accepting that I am definitely more feminine than my assigned gender (I am still trying to figure out the more specific details of how I feel – it has been an up and down journey) and finally graduating from university after three years, coming out with the best possible result of a First class degree.
Both of those are massive accomplishments, especially in a year living in the shadow of a global pandemic and the looming spectre of repeated lockdowns. There have been a good smattering of smaller successes too, namely setting up this website and trying to collect my various writing works together into one hub.
However, where success lies, there are bound to be failures that scatter the path towards them. And as alluded to, this year has not been easy for a lot of reasons, and I have definitely had a lot of realisations and challenges that came along the way.
First off, coming out as gender nonconforming is really difficult. It took a lot of courage to work myself up to telling my major friend groups, to the point I deployed a meme to do most of the initial talking for me. Obviously because I am friends with some amazing people; there was no real question on whether or not I would be accepted but the doubts still creep in from time to time.
Secondly… mental health troubles. Whilst I have always struggled with mental health issues for a long time, discoveries and potential disasters through the past couple of months have opened my eyes to how bad things got sometimes.
At some points during the year, there had been a risk of me permanently damaging some of the relationships I shared with people, through a bit of pigheadedness and a lot of despair; I came close to losing touch with one of the closest friends I have nowadays. Things got better over time, and a massive change in their life has made both them and me extremely happy, but I still worry how things could have gone if I did not snap out of that funk.
Same time, different trajectory was coming to terms with the fact I am almost definitely neurodivergent to some degree, specifically being on the autistic spectrum somewhere and having a form of attention-deficit disorder. The latter of which is why content was so plentiful in the early days of this website and why it dropped like a brick when I got burnt out realising it was very difficult trying to do three 4000 word articles plus research and media in a single week.
Whilst a positive change in my life (going on SSRI tablets) have helped manage some of the symptoms I experience on a day-to-day basis; there is definitely still more to be done in terms of developing healthy coping mechanisms and potentially acquiring medication to specifically manage the ADD symptoms.
And generally I have lost a lot of initial direction I had back when I first started university. For various reasons (stresses of final year, stresses outside of final year, and the job economy as a whole) I have lost a lot of my drive towards game development as a career. I know for a fact that programming and academia is a combination I do not wish to return to, but, watch this space all the same for if I relent and go in for a Master’s degree.
But, other than a single QA role I have an interview coming up for, it is hard to envision myself working professionally within the games industry in the next couple of years. I am trying to ease myself back in with light work on a friend’s arcade flight game (go follow @ClaraDotH on Twitter for more updates – she does great work!) but the next big real step I need to try conquer is using Rambles as a content platform for my portfolio work too.
In terms of current career trajectory, things are definitely a bit jumbled right now. I know I definitely have a passion for writing and would love to be able to do that full time in some capacity, be it copywriting for a marketing company or games studio, or going off on my own and trying to freelance things.
But aside from that, my main goal is finding something relatively regular and decently paying enough to get my foot in the door and fund other projects. Council jobs, admin roles, something professional enough to round out my skill set and improve my employability.
Through all those rough patches though, in the end things have always turned out alright. I have amazing groups of friends to rely on for advice and support when I need it, when the weight of depression relents I know I am able to create beautiful and detailed pieces of writing, and even though things look cloudy now; I know my passion for wanting to create entertaining games will return one day.
And that is not to mention all the other good that has happened to me this year:
- Met and befriended quite a few new people, and learnt a lot about the ones I already know
- Got introduced into the amazing Ace Combat franchise and ended up becoming a huge fan
- Started to play in two ongoing TTRPG games which are both amazingly fun and spectacular muses for my writing work
- Considered starting up my own TTRPG game to both experience the thrill of DMing and guide my friends through great stories
- And started actually filling out my wardrobe with non-cosplay items to achieve a well-rounded (but still very WIP) female outfit selection
Going forward, I definitely hope to keep creating content for Rambles, but definitely at my own pace for I certainly do not currently have a lack of ideas. I have several pieces planned about Ace Combat 7, needing to review both Ace Combats 5 and Zero, finally getting around to doing MtG based content and even branching out into cosplay posts at some point in the future too.
Things have not been easy this year, and with the way things are going, it is looking like they may not properly relent for some time either. Regardless, I intend to keep plowing on the best I can, knowing that soon everything can, and will, work out in the end.
Rosalia Rambles 
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