Redundancy ‘Review’: Day 139, “Restraining the Flip-Flop”

(for context on what this series is, please see my Day 1 post here: Redundancy Review: Day 1, “A New Beginning” – Rosalia Rambles)

Good morning flops and flips, welcome to Day 139 of Rosalia Rambles Redundancy Review.

So around two months after declaring I was weaning myself off my antidepressant medication, I have now been back to the doctor’s and decided to go back on the medication.

This… was not an easy decision to make, but it is something I hope to ultimately be temporary – something that helps ease my pain whilst I navigate a rockier than expected life transition, being able to go off the medication once I return to a greater point of stability.

In addition to sertraline, I have also been prescribed a beta blocker to help with the initial anxiety that comes with going back onto an antidepressant and to hopefully control some of the panic attacks I have been experiencing. The doctor reassured me that taking this step is not a sign of weakness, but one of strength. 

Though, as I sit in bed writing this review and contemplating the action I have taken, I find myself being consumed by doubt, possibly because of how late it is, but I want to talk about it all the same.

I have used the phrase “better on the inside, better on the outside” a few times whenever writing a Redundancy Review, in the context of talking about how I want to improve my mental and physical condition as part of a greater plan to be a better person.

But I wonder how much changing my “outside” is going to help me, and whether I need to start looking “inside” more to figure out what exactly I need to do next. Right now I am laser focused on changing my job as that constitutes a major part of my life and finding a career with greater purpose might at least ease some of the immediate stress.

It becomes more of a philosophical question the longer I ponder it: what does it mean to change “inside”?

There are many answers I can provide, but I think the first step needs to be committing to the short-term improvement that I hope the antidepressants will be able to bring. Once I am no longer bogged down in the deepest recesses of my own mind, I should be able to look at everything going on in a more objective sense and make more informed choices.

Hopefully seeing my therapist again helps too, there is a good deal of clarity that an outside lens can reveal on what I am truly feeling, and hopefully she can help me write a solid plan for getting myself back to the person I want to be.

I do not intend to surrender just yet, this is just a stumble on my journey towards who I want to become.

This post serves more as a milestone post for my own journey than anything else, I will hopefully be back to writing proper reviews tomorrow with the somewhat usual VTuesday segment. For now enjoy this picture I took on my trip to Swansea just over a week ago.

That covers everything for now, thank you for reading today’s edition of the Redundancy Review. Wherever you are, I hope you have not had too hard of a Monday and that the rest of the week is shaping up to be a good one for you.