Author: rosaliarambles

  • Redundancy Review: Day 126-128, “Even in the face of adversity”

    (for context on what this series is, please see my Day 1 post here: Redundancy Review: Day 1, “A New Beginning” – Rosalia Rambles)

    Good morning villains and adversaries, welcome to Day 126 to 128 of Rosalia Rambles Redundancy Review.

    The core of the Redundancy Review has been vulnerability, about showing the core of myself to the world, to talking about things that worry me and making a written record of my feelings.

    With how deep my recent depression has been, and continues to be, I think it is the right time for me to vomit words onto a page in the hopes of unfucking my brain just a little bit.

    So here goes nothing…

    At my core, I am a deeply insecure person. I am plagued by impostor syndrome on the daily, which infects my work, my hobbies, and my general being. There is a constant nagging voice in the back of my mind telling me that I am not good enough for my current field, hence my desire to switch out of the tech sector into something else.

    Like with a good deal of people in the modern age, I worry about what AI means for my job, about whether or not the field I have worked in for the last half a decade is about to be automated away entirely, even as discussions of the issues of the sustainability of the technology rage on. I know AI can be a helpful tool for doing away with menial and repetitive tasks that reduce friction, especially in creative ventures, but right now I feel the technology is being abused too much for the optimistic view to take hold.

    Most of all, I feel worried that I am going to lose what I currently have: my partner, my friends, the lifestyle I lead. Even when presented with evidence to the contrary, I find myself losing to the throes of a panic attack as I scream and cry for the pain overtaking my body to stop.

    I hold an immense amount of pride for the point I have managed to get my life to. I moved out shortly after turning 24, moving into my remarkably successful tech industry job around the same time… which did end in the redundancy that started this series but let us ignore that bit right now. Mixed in with all those big changes was me starting hormone replacement therapy as part of my transition into being the person I wanted to be, a decision I have never regretted or feel I ever will regret.

    For someone who had to rebuild the core of their life post-university due to having grown disdainful of the subject of their degree, I have done extremely well for myself. Ironically I have found myself reapplying some of my degree knowledge as part of my current contracting role, specifically in the usage of the Unity engine – some habits die hard I guess.

    But now I find myself almost at a crossroads, unsure of which path I want to walk down. Do I fully commit to the quality assurance route, upskilling myself in automation testing and utilising the fact that I do still have a programmer’s brain for good by hardening my skillset to find even better roles?

    Or do I walk away from the path I have travelled so far down to see where the road might fork, seeing where I could put my skills to the test in new sectors, such as charity or civil service?

    At the same time I need to ask myself the question of what this all means for my writing. I still want to tell my stories, even when I find myself with limited time on my hands due to the stresses of this world along with my own mind fighting against me, meaning I wish to pursue the mythical “work-life balance” that so many in the tech industry want to talk down on.

    All of those questions need answers, but they are most certainly not simple answers. So what do I do in the meantime? 

    Same thing as I did when I started working in the games industry, not knowing where I could end up.

    Same thing as I did when I transitioned over to the technology industry, and was unsure of my place in such a competitive industry.

    Same thing as when the news of my redundancy hit, and I did not know where my next paycheck would be coming from.

    I keep going.

    Even in the face of adversity.

    Even when my own insecurities are eating me alive.

    Even when I do not know what path the future will hold.

    I try my best to keep walking, with all the depression, uncertainty, and pain that comes along with navigating the current state of the world.

    And in honour of that, I think I want to talk about one of my favourite pieces of music as a review topic.

    For those unaware, I was just ever so slightly an emo kid growing up… yeah, I know, shocking, a trans girl grew up listening to emo music, in other news a fork was found in a kitchen today.

    But I was definitely someone who, in addition to a healthy diet of Dragonforce and video game OSTs, enjoyed the music of My Chemical Romance, Linkin Park (RIP Chester Bennington), and the subject of today’s review: Three Days Grace.

    What started my interest in the band was, of course, the absolute edgy banger of Animal I Have Become, the background track to everyone’s favourite AMV back in the day. But much like my love of Dragonforce, I went beyond the songs that everyone on the internet knew and looked further into their discography, leading me to discover Life Starts Now.

    It… is actually hard for me to do an in-depth lyrical analysis on this, because I think the entire song is a beautiful tale about never giving up and carrying on even when everything is against you, that it is never too late to change the way you have been living to make a new start. 

    I always like to look at the framing of the song being a conversation between two long-time friends, where one has gone through so much and is desperately tired, whereas the singer is trying to convince them that they have already been through so much that they survived through, that making another fresh start is not exactly going to hurt, and whatever comes next they will likely survive too.

    However, I do want to highlight the bridge, and do a little bit of my own analysis from my viewpoint on it:

    All this pain

    Take this life and make it yours

    All this hate

    Take your heart and let it love again

    You will survive this somehow

    There are so many ways I like to interpret this. The fantasy nerd in me loves to see this from the perspective of a warrior sacrificing themselves for their companion, giving them another chance at life while also telling them to not let hate consume them, to choose love instead to overcome the grief.

    But the more reasonable interpretation is the singer telling their friend that for all the pain they feel, for all the hatred they might feel at the world, and for any hatred they may feel at themselves, none of it is worth holding on to. As someone who has had to overcome many traumas in the course of their life, I know that holding on to pain and anger can very often be a choice, at least in my situation.

    Life got a lot better for me once I stopped being angry at the things that were tying me to the past, though this is not to say the emotions are not there within me – they most definitely still are. It is just that I try to live my day-to-day life without holding onto them, and in a way, I have to try apply that same logic to the feelings that the redundancy gave to me.

    It will take time, but I will survive this somehow, because through each moment of pain & heartbreak, there is a chance for life to start anew. I just need to be ready to meet that chance.

    Took a few days off work and off writing, and I feel I have come back still as strong as ever. Though I need a thumbnail picture…

    …yeah, that will do. Friend of mine sent me this image earlier in the week to remind me that I am still able to be successful, even if I do end up changing tracks.

    Thank you for reading the Redundancy Review. Wherever you are, I hope you are able to feel relaxed. If you are fighting your own battles, please know you are not alone in any of them. Help is out there if you need it, and the world is brighter for you being in it.

  • Redundancy ‘Review’: Day 124-125, “Seasons Change, Stability Falters”

    (for context on what this series is, please see my Day 1 post here: Redundancy Review: Day 1, “A New Beginning” – Rosalia Rambles)

    Good morning witches and warlocks, welcome to Day 124 and 125 of Rosalia Rambles Redundancy Review.

    It has been… very hard for me over the last couple days to find the energy to write.

    The constant story that the Redundancy Review represents is hard to tell when the path ahead feels so unclear, and things feel so damn heavy on top of me.

    Just today I got a seemingly instant rejection from a job I was incredibly excited for, the moment I sent off my application was the same moment I got a rejection back, some unseen automated system deciding I was not good enough off the back of the contents of my application, no chance to prove myself in an interview.

    And that makes me feel scared.

    I have the relative security of my contract right now, but that work no longer brings me joy like it used to.

    I want to push forward into other industries, but know there might be few people who want to take a chance on my transferable skills.

    And I want to write, god do I want to keep writing and telling my silly stories.

    But those silly stories do not keep a roof over my head. I find myself worrying about draining my savings to sustain myself and my partner, about having crises show up and not having the safety of a future payday ahead of me, and that the last five years of my professional life might have been for nothing if I cannot find myself a permanent job again.

    It is a worst case scenario, and I know a lot has to come to pass for it to become reality, but as the winter months roll in to make the nights darker, bringing about my SAD once more, I find the shaky-but-stable grasp I once held my life in start to slowly slip away, giving way to the frequent panic attacks, crying at my desk, and overall feeling hopeless about the future.

    I know life will continue on nonetheless, that brighter days will come, and this review will serve as a record that I made it past my darkest days.

    Right now though, it feels as if the darkness surrounds me at every turn. That no matter what I do, each day is going to feel harder than the last as I strive to simply make it through each day without crying my eyes out.

    But I know I am not alone.

    Even at my worst moments.

    I have people surrounding me who love me.

    I have skills that are worthwhile for people who hire me.

    I have things to give this world that need to be given.

    But I need to figure out what recovery looks like for me, so I can commit to a recovery plan that gets me back on track and living life to the fullest once more.

    No review segment, as I just want to get a post out for today.

    If you are reading this, and you have any advice for me, any spiritual guidance, or anything that can help me out of this current situation – please get in touch. I will take on whatever advice I need right now.

    Going to use a photo of Dottie as the thumbnail, but that will do it for today.

    Thank you for reading the Redundancy Review.

    Wherever you are, whoever you are, I wish you happiness and safety.

  • Redundancy ‘Review’: Day 122-123, “Life is Precious”

    (for context on what this series is, please see my Day 1 post here: Redundancy Review: Day 1, “A New Beginning” – Rosalia Rambles)

    Good morning staircases and escalators, welcome to Day 122 and 123 of Rosalia Rambles Redundancy Review.

    Yesterday… was stressful for a lot of reasons. My partner ended up having a rough start to their work day which made them come home early, my old roommate had a bit of a crisis on their hands due to numerous factors, and this was all in addition to managing my contract workload for the day.

    Hectic is at least one of the words I would use to describe what went down, and that is without discounting all of the feelings I have been having regarding wanting to change my current position in life.

    Job is definitely on the higher end of that priorities list, which I am taking steps in a positive direction to try find myself something new. Surprisingly I have actually been invited for a phone interview on Wednesday for that CEX Store Manager position which is the first interview I have gotten since I was made redundant, so… there is at least some comfort there that I am still able to get interviews.

    What I am more optimistic and interested in however is an informal chat with someone within the Care Quality Commission to talk about a role I am going to be applying for there: Application Analyst.

    Part of the career chat I had with my friend on Thursday was taking a look at my current skillset and determining what sectors I could find myself thriving in. As someone who has worked in Quality Assurance for five years with production experience sprinkled in for the last two years, the amount of transferable skills I have picked during that time is surprisingly plentiful.

    Adaptability is high on that list, especially from having worked in the technology start up space for the last four years. It is an environment that hardens you, one way or another, and requires you to stay adaptable or flexible to the shifting needs of the business. Everyone needed to chip in on different things at varying points – with me usually being one of the first people to say yes to trying something new, becoming familiar with that side of the business fairly quickly.

    This is a trait that has carried me throughout my career honestly, as I was always the first to put myself forward for new things at Codemasters, which led me to testing audio, back-end data analysis, and eventually becoming the second-in-command…

    …it then got turned up to eleven working at Immerse, and even now working the contract role. Learning new things makes me incredibly happy, and that joy has carried me to a successful career.

    All I need now is something a bit more permanent, as I do not think contractor life is entirely for me in the four months or so I have been working in it. I have definitely learnt a lot, but I want to push myself towards a permanent, full-time role in a different industry now.

    So… what does this have to do with the title? Well, because that was just a job search update segment, but I have a personal segment I want to write today as well.

    Over these last five months, things have been a massive rollercoaster for me. What started as a month long process of limbo wondering what would happen to the company I had called home for just over three years turned into the redundancy announcement that kickstarted this series, and my greater search for a new place to call my own, before I got the contract role that is currently sustaining me.

    In this time period, I have experienced great highs, terrifying lows, and almost everything between those two points. My situation is stable right now, remarkably so even given the circumstances, but at the same time I spend a lot of my time paranoid that this might be a turning point in my life where I suddenly am not worthy enough to keep going, that my head will sink below the water at any moment.

    This led to me seeking comfort in an unusual source: my brother. We have a good relationship, although we do not talk as often as I feel we should, there is a lot he has helped me out with over the years and I feel incredibly lucky to call him my big brother.

    I asked him how he keeps his head above water, and how he perseveres when everything feels against him, with the advice being given being oddly profound:

    “The simple answer on how I keep going is that I simply refuse to drown. I have, currently am, and will in future feel like I’m drowning, and that everything and everyone is against me. But I also recognise that if I let the water take me, I’m out the game, I don’t get to play any more. That means no more prizes, and you can’t get back in the game once you’re out. You can always come back from the lows to get to the highs if you’re willing to dig your heels in, but you have to be in the game”

    It feels silly to say, but his blunt way of speaking really helped me out and made me reflect on these last five months.

    My redundancy was my lowest point, and I genuinely felt like my entire world had collapsed in the wake of it…

    …but I kept going.

    My life is precious, and there is still so much love I have still yet to give, not just for my life, but for the lives of all of those around me. There is a beautiful network of people around me who support me, and I want to be able to support them through their highs & lows, just like they have done for me.

    Things feel hard right now, but I want to keep going. Even when my paranoia presents the worst case scenarios for me, I will keep fighting through.

    I guess I need to try write a review segment now. It has honestly been hard to keep up with doing them in recent days due to everything going on in my life…

    …no, I am sorry, but I do not think I can today. Too much has been going on, and whilst I still want to put my writing out there for those who may need it, I cannot bring myself to focus on a ‘review’ type segment right now.

    Have a picture of this big, beautiful, and badass pizza I made last night. Homemade dough and all. It is taking me a while to get the proper formula down, in that I am aiming for a New York-style thin crust and am usually ending up with a Sicilian-style thick-yet-airy crust, which is still plenty delicious but not the effect I am ultimately wanting.

    Baking in general has brought great comfort to me ever since my redundancy, not only as a way of learning something new but to work to create something that I can use to bring joy to others, be it through bread, cake, or to make the usual Friday night pizza my partner and I share all the more loving by the homemade touch.

    If you have made it to the end of today’s Redundancy Review, thank you for reading. Wherever you are, I hope you are safe, happy, and comfortable, able to enjoy the weekend. If not, then I hope you can try find comfort when it is possible, and I am glad you are still around. 

    Keep on keeping on, I will if you will.

  • Redundancy ‘Review’: Day 121, “Pursuing Happiness”

    (for context on what this series is, please see my Day 1 post here: Redundancy Review: Day 1, “A New Beginning” – Rosalia Rambles)

    Good morning chasers and runners, welcome to Day 121 of Rosalia Rambles Redundancy Review.

    A shorter one today, partially due to a hectic work day which was followed by zoning out before chilling with friends.

    The time was needed to chill with people, and talk frankly about what I have been going through lately, where I now find myself in bed letting my mind finally come to a stop.

    So, where do I go from here?

    In all honesty… I just keep on keeping on. My goal in life is to be happy, to enjoy my hobbies and to have my work be meaningful.

    I am extremely lucky to be in a job right now, but simultaneously, I want things to change in my life, and my work is one of those things.

    More discussions to come in future installments, but for now, I need to rest.

    Have a crude trans flag I mocked up in a few minutes as a thumbnail picture.

    If you read this placeholder post, thank you for reading. Wherever you are I hope you can relax and know that the weekend is not far away.

  • Redundancy Review: Day 120, “Four Month Reflection”

    (for context on what this series is, please see my Day 1 post here: Redundancy Review: Day 1, “A New Beginning” – Rosalia Rambles)

    Good morning clerics and healers, welcome to Day 120 of Rosalia Rambles Redundancy Review.

    120 days since I was first made redundant. Four months worth of thinking, reflection, and trying to figure out where to do next. In terms of actual posts, this is the 92nd Redundancy Review since this all kicked off, so only off by a factor of about thirty days due to holidays, breaks, or just not feeling the flow.

    In those four months I have fought the government for what is rightfully mine, waded through job boards in the hope of finding something new, expanded my horizons beyond QA to see what I might be good at, and have now found myself back in the life of a SaaS QA tester within the greater technology industry… for better or worse.

    Part of what drove me to start writing a career retrospective at the start of this week is the fact I am growing incredibly weary with the tech industry as a whole. The start up culture, the grindset mindset, the need to build & scale fast with less… all of it has started to wear me down.

    If we include my time at Codemasters, I am coming up on having worked for half a decade in the technology industry as a QA, with some production on the side. This comes back to something I said I need to keep in mind off the back of my redundancy, that it was a traumatic event, and it is okay to let it change me. 

    And one of those things that might need to change is my career as a whole.

    I have already started to explore other options in addition to balancing my contract work… on top of balancing maintaining a good posting schedule… on top of trying to maintain an amount of social life and relaxation time…

    Being real, things feel hard for me right now. Over the last couple of days I have found myself crying at my desk more often, with even the most routine of work tasks overwhelming me. In between uploads, downloads, or waiting for processes to finish, I take moments to let out little sobs, which shows to me that it is not the challenges of the work getting to me, it is just the nature of the work itself.

    And the mental separation I try to impose on myself that this is a holdover contract role, that it will not be forever is slowly starting to break down as I realise I have fallen out of love with the greater industry as a whole, and to ensure longevity in my future; I need to make a change to one of the biggest parts of my life.

    Saying goodbye to an industry that has honed me, hardened me, and shaped me into the person I am today.

    This is not to say I am going to move away from technology as a whole, because I am perfectly willing to do a job that mostly revolves around a computer, and there is no denying I have made a good career in QA with how long I have survived in such a competitive industry, especially in the recent years of a turbulent job market.

    It is just a matter of deciding where to go, with my current avenues for exploration being in insurance, civil service, and I have also signed up for a charity jobs board – both for QA and writing roles.

    There is a part of me that thinks I am “limiting my potential” by choosing to walk away from tech, that if I committed the energy I am using to look elsewhere to doubling my effort into the tech industry, I could stand to make a lot of money by pursuing even more elite roles within the startup space.

    But the redundancy has changed me. I am distrustful of investor groups, the primary way such companies would be funded. The need to keep scaling up and making things even bigger rather than focusing on steady outcomes is incompatible with my current life philosophy.

    I need to move away from what has been a significant part of my life and enabled my growth into who I am today, to heal from the pain that growth has been accompanied by, and start a new chapter of my life.

    Ultimately, I am still quite young, having not even hit my thirties yet. In a way my professional life has only just begun, with the role I was made redundant from being only my second job ever. 

    There is so much I can do, I just need to find myself to find out what I want to do.

    In the meantime, my contract can hold me over, and whilst I do not want to maintain the grindset mindset, I am also not someone who can half-arse a job. My safety net is actually stronger than it was before my redundancy too, so I am in an extremely lucky position to not be pressed against the wall.

    Ideally I do not want to eat into the safety net and I can transition from my contract into a new role, but I am prepared for any eventuality.

    No matter what, I will continue to write. This story still has several chapters to write, and the stories inside my head still need to be told. 

    Time to get into the review, and I think it is time to introduce a somewhat new topic to the Redundancy Review: hot sauce.

    For those who have been around for the somewhat regular food reviews, you will know I am a little bit of a spicehead, and this definitely extends into my home life as I have a very decent collection of hot sauces within my fridge. Today’s hot sauce is made from one of the spiciest peppers in the world: Bhut Jolokia, more commonly known as the Ghost Pepper.

    This specific sauce is from a small UK brand called Mahi, and this was one of the three hot sauces in their “Discovery Pack”, a bundle offer for those wanting to explore more options in hot sauce outside of the main brands in the UK. 

    With it being such a spice forward sauce, there is actually a pleasing acidic bite that announces itself first before the heat ramps up, though it is actually variable how much heat will be delivered with each taste.

    Sometimes it will be a pleasant warmth that accompanies the acidity.

    And sometimes it will be a deliverance of heat worthy of the nickname my partner gave to this sauce after one accidentally trying it: “Death Sauce”.

    £7.50 plus shipping was the price for the pack of three sauces, and it came in a very attractive box which included a catalogue of Mahi’s other products, most of which I will definitely want to try in future because of how nice everything included in the box was.

    This does however include a Trinidad Scorpion sauce, which is supposedly even hotter than the Ghost Pepper…

    …oh well, as I often yell before doing anything stupid, DEATH OR GLORY!

    That should do it for today. Thank you for reading today’s edition of the Redundancy Review. Wherever you are I hope you are able to relax and that your path ahead in life is clear, if not, then there is nothing to fear. You are in good company with that, and as we all know, not all who wander are lost.

    For more information on Mahi’s products, visit their website here: https://saucymahi.co/ 

  • Redundancy Review: Day 119, “First Official VTuesday”

    Redundancy Review: Day 119, “First Official VTuesday”

    (for context on what this series is, please see my Day 1 post here: Redundancy Review: Day 1, “A New Beginning” – Rosalia Rambles)

    Good morning modellers and riggers, welcome to Day 119 of Rosalia Rambles Redundancy Review.

    Now that I am back on a reasonable schedule, this is where I can officially announce that the Tuesday review segment where I review something in the VTuber space (primarily Hololive but I am aiming to branch out) is called…

    VTuesday.

    Which makes far too much sense in hindsight for a title because it just rolls off the tongue so well whilst being on theme.

    Regular readers will know my love of VTubers, my most popular article this year was my story of going to VeXpo, a whole convention dedicated to the topic. So, I figured I would try my best to recount the story of how I got into this whole space all the way back in 2020…

    …bastard year that it is.

    It was definitely a slow start, as it was primarily just random clips of various HoloJP members such as Suisei or Korone… and Nyanners, cannot forget about Nyanners. Though the fascination truly began with the debut of Hololive English 1st Generation “Myth”, and who else but the legendary Gawr Gura.

    Though, in hindsight, I find it very funny that Gura was my primary entry point into this whole space, because while she was my first primary exposure; I actually found myself drifting to Ninomae Ina’nis as my favourite member of Myth for her cosy vibes, gorgeous art, and delicious puns.

    And of course, being involved in the EN side meant the door to the JP and ID (Indonesia) sides was soon to burst wide open through subtitled clips and watching streams of games where it did not really matter whether or not I could understand the streamer, I had a vague idea of what was going on.

    This was especially apparent when it came to Shirakami Fubuki from HoloJP Gen 1 playing Monster Hunter World. It did not really matter what she was saying, I could understand what was going on and follow her through the tone of her voice.

    Those streams in particular actually generated a meme between myself and my partner. During the fight against a monster called Seething Bazelgeuse, once the cutscene had ended, another monster called Dodogama actually started fighting against Seething, leading to Fubuki cheering on the fight with the phrase: “DODOGAMU!”

    Mix this with the fact that Dodogama is in contention for being one of my top favourite monsters, and it stuck with me ever since.

    So… why VTubers?

    What I am about to say will probably be a little parasocial, which is definitely an issue within the VTuber space with fans overstepping their mark, but hopefully as I explain it things will make more sense.

    Every VTuber I follow regularly, from the corpos to the independents, have had their own set of challenges to overcome, moments where they could have quit to pack it all in and try their hand at something new in life.

    But so many of them have not.

    And that inspires me so much. I have no idea who these people are, and quite frankly I have no desire to know who exactly is behind that persona – all I know is that this person has had their share of challenges and feels comfortable enough to talk about it with their audience.

    My oshis have never given up, and even through my share of challenges, through my very uncertain future, I do not want to give up. They do not know me, and they likely will never know me, but they still inspire me all the same.

    One person whose compilation videos have made it into my partner and I’s evening routine is Limealicious/Laimu. At VeXpo my partner only had one meet & greet booked with Laimu and after receiving a very sweet signed photocard as part of the meet he wanted to explore more of her content.

    Her, along with Dokibird, Maid Mint, and Snuffy, recently released a cover of the iconic first level background music from Sonic Adventure 2: Escape from the City.

    This is specifically a clip taken from Doki’s birthday concert at Anime Expo this year, which as one commenter notes is the first time that Laimu has sung in a proper context due to not being the type to do karaoke streams.

    All of their voices harmonise beautifully when they all sing during the chorus, though their voices definitely provide a different vibe to a usually hype song. To me this version feels oddly relaxing to listen to, which is not a complaint or criticism, I actually really like how this sounds to listen to.

    I have to give a shoutout to Snuffy’s singing as well. Out of the four she is the one I am least familiar with, but when she sings her sections she has such a refined singing voice that sounds so smooth.

    Can you tell I am not really musically minded? I love listening to VTubers sing both covers and their original songs, but analysing music is not really something I have a massive amount of experience in.

    Now just for the thumbnail…

    …she really does have such a pretty model.

    That will cover everything today, thank you for reading today’s edition of the Redundancy Review. I have been off work today for stress-related reasons so it has been nice to just relax and think about VTubers for VTuesday. Wherever you are I hope you are able to take things easy and keep your effort for the week steady.

  • Redundancy Review: Day 118, “Career Uncertainty, Part 1”

    Redundancy Review: Day 118, “Career Uncertainty, Part 1”

    (for context on what this series is, please see my Day 1 post here: Redundancy Review: Day 1, “A New Beginning” – Rosalia Rambles)

    Good morning diviners and cartographers, welcome to Day 118 of Rosalia Rambles Redundancy Review.

    Things seem to be returning to normal for me now, I still live the busy life of a SaaS QA professional, but I do not feel the same amount of pressure as I was experiencing last week. 

    It is in this moment though, over four months gone since my initial redundancy and as the five-year milestone of my quality assurance career comes ever closer, that I find myself reflecting on where I am along with where I might want to go.

    I have been trying to write a “living CV” page on this website, though I keep putting it off in favour of other things, so now I feel it is a good time to start off writing a career retrospective along with talking about the moments of uncertainty that have come along the way.

    My career as a Quality Assurance professional started in March 2021, where I joined Codemasters Software Company as a QA Technician. I joined in the Xbox Functional QA team for F1 2021.

    Look, there I am in the credits!

    Honestly, even though it is over four years gone now, and the game is not even available to purchase on Steam anymore which really sucks cause I would love to revisit it for a review, I still hold an immense amount of pride for my first credited video game release – especially when I consider the amount of effort I put into that release.

    Codemasters was my first job ever, so I tried to push myself above and beyond to show what I was capable of. This inevitably led to me getting noticed by the higher ups, not only for my sheer amount of bugs being logged, but for the sheer tenacity I had when it came to throwing myself into test sheets.

    This led to me getting the opportunity to go into the Southam office for a week to try my hand at some audio testing in the, quite frankly beautiful, surround sound room at the recently refurbished QA building. Getting hands on with more specialised testing really left a lasting impact on me, especially as I got the chance to do this only one month into my job.

    Fun fact: this is actually the only time I have worked in an office/in-person setting, the rest of my career has been entirely remote, as I changed roles right as offices were beginning to open up again.

    After that, I continued grinding on. Helping out where needed with requests from my lovely & sweary platform lead (I call him that affectionately, we bonded over colourful language from time to time), continuing to plug away at my test sheets, and maintained the push towards the ever-approaching release date.

    As that time came closer, overtime became available to help push things over the line. Unlike other game development companies which might make crunch time mandatory; Codemasters was on an entirely voluntary basis, with you nominating yourself for certain days to work and it being up to the lead QA’s discretion on who would make it in.

    Now, as I have mentioned I was eager to prove myself and get stuck in.

    Perhaps too eager.

    So I put my name down for every available overtime day between the start of the final push all the way up to the day of the final Build Verification Test (BVT) being sent off to Xbox in order to get the discs manufactured.

    Nineteen days.

    Nineteen days in a row.

    Admittedly, the pay was good. We got time-and-a-half for any Saturday or Sunday work, and considering late May bank holiday fell during this time too that paid double-time – this led to me having enough to buy myself a proper gaming PC once the stressful period was over.

    That said… never again. Never again do I want to work to that same degree because I was thoroughly destroyed by the end of it all. 

    When the eighteenth day came around I vividly remember barely being lucid at my desk. I remember going into work, sitting at my desk, and around eight hours later I logged off before heading straight into bed before day nineteen started with a final rush to do a BVT.

    It was a hard push, and it definitely taught me one of my many lessons about listening to my body.

    Release came and went, but even as the needs of the team shifted with post-launch content on the horizon along with people being migrated across to other projects, my role mostly stayed the same, plugging away happily at my tasks.

    During this time period, a Senior QA Technician role came up within the company, and despite being relatively green I was encouraged to apply by the QA lead and my platform lead. I did land an interview as well where I was complimented for how I handled myself, but ultimately they wanted someone with more experience who could more reasonably step into a platform lead kind of role.

    However, once again, my tenacity and drive did not go unnoticed. Soon after this I was brought into a call with two other stellar QAs from the Playstation and PC team to be told we were going to be made “second-in-commands” for our respective teams, essentially being groomed for management type roles in the near future.

    This meant I was taking on more responsibility, though, given the fact our team sizes had shrunk massively due to projects elsewhere in the company, the team I managed to start off with was ultimately very small. Nevertheless, I was given my first exposure to what it took to organise a QA effort within a large-scale project.

    Though, it was not long though until new hires started rolling in to begin work on F1 22 (EA had decided to drop the “20” part of the name to bring it in line with their other sports franchises) that I got a chance to start guiding and mentoring fresh QAs… which did lead to a funny story.

    It was the week before the Christmas shutdown started, both the QA lead and my platform lead had used some annual leave to add some extra time to a well-deserved break – this left me the de facto “leader” of the Xbox team in their absence.

    One day, one of the newer QAs came to me with a question relating to specific Xbox console guidelines. I was unsure of what he was asking, so I said to give me a minute whilst I went to my platform lead…

    …oh wait, platform lead is not in. That is fine I will just go to the QA lead…

    …no he is not in either…

    …shit…

    …I am the one in charge, I need to get him an answer.

    I hastily searched through the very helpful glossary of Xbox terminology I had been provided at the start of my job to get him an answer, letting them log the bug report correctly and carry on with their day unimpeded.

    F1 22 started on schedule, and whilst I was still required to get F1 2021 over the line in terms of the final bits of post-release content – primarily battle pass stuff – I was still hard at work making my mark on the new project too, hoping to maintain my crown as Rosalia, Queen of the Bug Leaderboard.

    But… I was also wanting for more. First of all I wanted more money, as for all the above and beyond what I was doing it was still minimum wage for the time, but also I wanted a new challenge. Initially I did try branching out into writing roles once more but also kept applying to QA roles as well.

    I interviewed for Immerse, and shortly after I moved into my new flat early in 2022, I got the job offer from them which started my now nearly four year long stint in the SaaS XR industry.

    Although, I needed to tell the people at Codemasters that I would not be continuing my employment with them. Due to the nature of my role, a full-time contract which was periodically renewed, all I really needed to do was give notice that I did not intend to pursue a renewed contract with the company.

    What I did do though was call both the QA lead (who was my manager) and my platform lead. During the call with the former he knew it was coming due to being put down as a reference for one of my applications, but he understood that someone of my skills wanted to try out different environments.

    My platform lead had a very different initial reaction:

    “Who’s upset you? Tell me and I’ll thump them for you!”

    He was a very bombastic character, and even through those jokey moments he understood why I was leaving, wishing me the best.

    I left Codemasters end of March 2022, a week later I would start working at Immerse which began a chapter that has defined, and continues to define, my current adult life. But that story is for another time.

    Still got my name in the credits for F1 22 though.

    So, what does this all have to do with uncertainty?

    Because at every key story moment, from starting out to overtime, the senior QA interview to being the second-in-command, to even deciding to take the plunge to leave: I was uncertain.

    The title is a dual-meaning. I currently experience uncertainty about where I want my career to go in the wake of drastic changes within the last four months, but simultaneously, I have made my career in spite of uncertainty. 

    Even when presented with opportunities where I was never fully sure how they would go, I always said yes.

    When I was unsure on what I should be doing, my head was still down and I still moved forward.

    I am a career uncertain, and whilst I do not know what direction I may take next, I do know that my tenacious & enthusiastic spirit will come along with it.

    Maybe next time I will tell the story about how that spirit persists even when the flesh is spongy, bruised, and extremely tired.

    So many stories to tell, guess that is as good a reason as any to keep writing them down. To be honest the above does not even begin to cover everything I experienced at Codemasters that stuck with me, so even more reason to keep writing.

    But even though I have written damn near 1800 words, I still think I should get a review subject in here somehow.

    Yeah, let us go for the random object I had to hand – not like it is an uncommon theme on the Redundancy Review.

    Well, not entirely random, as when it comes to buying drinks there is one specific reason that comes to my mind whenever I need to buy apple juice.

    Last week was extremely stressful for me, balancing work, periods, and trying to stay generally healthy. Unfortunately for me, one thing always happens when I am placed under large amounts of stress: my stomach starts getting fucked up.

    One thing I have always found helpful in mitigating that is apple juice, especially a more “wholesome” brand like this Cawston Press carton where it is more likely to pure juice rather than from concentrate, it helps put my stomach at rest in a way that ginger or turmeric based products often struggle to.

    This carton specifically cost me £3.95 from a local and small greengrocer that I love going to for its wide variety of more off-brand products than you would find in a supermarket, plus shopping local is always the best route to take where possible. Admittedly it is definitely a steeper price that what you would pay elsewhere, but supporting local can be like that sometimes.

    Anyway, that will do it for today, it has still been surprisingly stressful even though I have managed to find the time to write today. Thank you for reading today’s edition of the Redundancy Review, wherever you are I hope the Monday blues are not hitting you too hard, and that the week ahead looks clear for you.

  • Redundancy Review: Day 114-117. “Attempting to Stabilise”

    Redundancy Review: Day 114-117. “Attempting to Stabilise”

    (for context on what this series is, please see my Day 1 post here: Redundancy Review: Day 1, “A New Beginning” – Rosalia Rambles)

    Good morning rudders and canards, welcome to a big catchup post covering Day 114 to 117 of Rosalia Rambles Redundancy Review.

    So on top of my period destroying my body entirely, this week was also one where my day job decided to massively ramp up for various deliverables, which obviously takes priority that day over my unpaid writing practice.

    Usually, I write the Redundancy Review during my lunch or working on it whilst I wait for apps to upload or process, with the final touches coming after I finish – such as getting the piece into WordPress and adding in the images before publishing & uploading to BlueSky.

    But given the intense stress of this week, I reprioritised my evenings into focusing on rest, even reducing the amount of complex cooking I was doing during the week and instead put my energy into making meals that did not require much effort.

    And even now when trying to write this out, I feel exhausted. Both mentally and physically, I am still trying to catch up with what happened this week to try get myself back into the mindset of writing every day to keep myself sharp.

    There are a lot of topics I still want to cover in my style, and I still have a lot of stories to tell, but for now, I think resting is the priority.

    Hence why today’s review is going to be a bit ramshackle due to the fact I will be pulling screenshots off of my hard drive from ages ago to help make my points.

    In the dark recesses of Rosalia Rambles history, there exists a review of Ace Combat 7, you can read it here if you so wish, but considering it is nearly five years old at this point, I think it is time I do it justice in my new style and with less of a critical stance & more of my ‘review’ stance.

    When it comes to niche Japanese franchises, Ace Combat is definitely up there for me. I got introduced to it by an old friend back during my uni days and, despite being very skeptical that I would enjoy the game, it instead became one of my favourite series of all time.

    Wherever you are, old friend, I hope you are doing well in life, and that you are happy. It really was all I wanted for you, even if I could not provide it.

    Ace Combat 7 is the most recent entry in the franchise, coming out in 2019, and whilst I have a very respectable playtime on PC; my first experience with the game came on PS4, which I think goes to show how much I enjoyed the game that I decided to rebuy it on a different platform and play through it all again.

    The goal of the game is good, clean, arcade-style flight simulator fun. There are twenty campaign missions ranging from your standard “take down bombers and escorts attacking your base” to “destroy the required amount of enemy assets in time”.

    Though, I do want to highlight the story of the game along with re-emphasising the year it came out. For coming out in 2019, there is a heavy focus on the usage of drones in war, including the inciting incident of the game being an autonomous drone attack being carried out in the “protagonist” nation using drones hidden in shipping containers.

    Considering that exact scenario has played out in the Ukraine/Russia conflict with the former side using that exact tactic on the latter, it feels almost spooky to revisit some of the themes in this game.

    If you care about spoilers, here is your small-scale spoiler warning for Ace Combat 7, skip ahead until you see an image of a glowing fighter jet, where I will change topic.

    During the game you see cutscenes of your rival ace, Mihaly, taking part in experiments that are providing training data to the drones. Once you get to the final mission, two advanced drones are revealed that are carrying Mihaly’s data, with the objective of uploading that data to drone factories around the world to mass-produce these AI-powered war machines.

    Again, this game came out in 2019, and to me having a plotline like this in a game about fighter jets feels ominously prophetic, bordering on Metal Gear Solid 2 levels of a plot being way ahead of its time.

    Simultaneously, there is writing that echoes the anti-AI sentiment of today through the message of drones versus human pilots:

    Screenshot grabbed from Ace Combat Fan playing Mission 18 on Youtube: https://youtu.be/l-f8ObKfJh0?si=MkBzUIw5sqsVHQHs

    Like with most games with a modern military setting, there needs to be a level of media literacy to both appreciate the themes whilst recognising that the game is acting as propaganda for various companies like Lockheed Martin and Boeing, this is often why when I talk about these games my general mantra for discussing them is:

    “War bad, planes rad”

    (thank you to Oboe Shoes Games on Youtube for that brilliant phrase)

    Even in the mission where the above sentence is spoken, you as the “protagonist” are in the midst of committing a war crime by attacking a site of historical slash cultural significance to pillage their supplies, so, the ahead of its time message is balanced out by the horrors.

    Anyway, that is enough story discussion, time to put up the signal that people can come back.

    Ahh, glowing X-02S Wyvern, you are one of my favourite stupid additions to the game in the form of DLC.

    Once again I show I am not immune to propaganda, but that does not minimise my love for this game. Planes are indeed rad, and getting to fly them in video games is one of the most exhilarating experiences I have ever had the pleasure of partaking in. Ace Combat 7 pushed me to my limits as I tried 100%ing the main campaign, doing all the side objectives, hidden aces, and in-game medals. 

    I still need to properly immerse myself into the multiplayer to bring up my Steam achievement count to the top, but I have proven myself in the way I want to, and that satisfies me.

    Ended writing way more than I anticipated about a plane game, but I think this has done what I wanted it to in getting the juices flowing again. Thank you so much for reading today’s edition of the Redundancy Review, wherever you are I hope you are able to make the most of a relaxing Sunday before the Monday blues come back at you.

    Ace Combat 7 is available on Steam, Xbox, Playstation, and Switch, so if my review has made you at all curious, give it a go!

  • Redundancy ‘Review’: Day 112-113, “Periods Suck”

    (for context on what this series is, please see my Day 1 post here: Redundancy Review: Day 1, “A New Beginning” – Rosalia Rambles)

    Good morning lemons and bulls, welcome to Day 112-113 of Rosalia Rambles Redundancy Review.

    Yup, still suffering from period-related issues. 

    Honestly one of the worst things when it comes to this regular stretch of time for me is not the pain, or the fatigue, or the emotional instability, or loss of appetite… writing it all down like this really highlights how much my body can shut down during periods and I should really not be so harsh on myself.

    No, the worst thing about this all is the persistent brain fog I get saddled with for around a week or so – it makes everything way more difficult for me.

    Writing is the biggest one, as I will often find myself sitting in front of a document trying to formulate what I want to write and feeling my brain either shut down entirely, or have it be a dedicated effort to force my thoughts onto the right path for long enough to string coherent sentences together.

    But it definitely does not stop there, as every part of my life becomes more difficult to navigate. Even a task as simple as sleeping can be disrupted extremely easily, which leads into a long series of knock-on effects into my day, especially at work.

    I still come in, and I still try my best every day, but my current situation in being in a smaller company makes the times when my period hits hard even more nervewracking. 

    In my current role I have a decent amount of ownership over a significant part of the business pipeline. This is absolutely great for my career progression, as it advances me into new areas and learning opportunities with each day, keeping my skills honed alongside exposing me to new areas of the business.

    Tech is a rapid-moving and near-hyperproductive industry, in a way this has tempered me to a fine degree which ties into how willing I am to be flexible on a given day.

    Jump on new release testing? You got it.

    Handle some ghostwriting for a LinkedIn post? I am your girl.

    Try something entirely new that will help the company? Happy to help.

    For as much as I hold some internal resentment for myself over what kind of person this has made me, there is no denying that I am in the position I am in today for that reason… although, this senior position comes with a downside when my brain is the way it currently is: there is nowhere for me to hide.

    Before, on my bad days, I had others around me who both understood what I would be going through, offering support and making up for whatever I might have been lacking that day. Do not get me wrong, the understanding is there with my current colleagues too, but the nature of the company and my position does lead to my bad days feeling heavier now than back then.

    I always got told one specific effect of going on feminising hormone replacement therapy (HRT) by doctors in the early days of my medical transition:

    “You will find your emotional range opens up, you may also find it easier to cry.”

    There is a point I want to make here on the former, but I want to poke some fun at the latter before I do.

    Yeah.

    Yeah it really is fucking easier to cry. 

    I find myself crying over the most minor of things sometimes, and this gets exacerbated further whenever my period starts because I will find myself crying over almost anything. 

    Bunnies? Bawling. Songs? Sobbing. Critters? Crying.

    (god I love alliteration)

    Anyway, back on track.

    My emotional range has opened up ever since starting HRT, but, and this is very rare for me as I do not keep up with the MCU at all, I am thinking of a quote from Captain America: The First Avenger:

    “The serum amplifies everything that is inside. So, good becomes great. Bad becomes worse.”

    Dr Abraham Erskine

    Going on HRT was one of the best things to happen to me. For all the challenges I have faced and the problems I still navigate today, I can categorically say I am far happier than I was when I started over three years ago.

    But at the same time, I am still trying to learn how to navigate an emotional range that is comparatively new to what I had before, and one that specifically amplifies whatever I am feeling – positive or negative.

    Very on theme for the overarching narrative of this blog though, feel once my mind actually unfucks itself to a degree I should write out an updated vision for what these pieces mean to me.

    Considering the day I have had in terms of work stress whilst managing everything I have written about above, I think a proper review topic is a bit of a stretch. Still need something to get a  thumbnail though…

    …yeah, after the day I have had and the fact I missed yesterday’s post (which would have included a proper announcement that the Tuesday review segment is now called “VTuesday” because god that makes too much sense in hindsight), I think I just want to ramble about one of my silly little VTuber displays today.

    Specifically this is my (almost) complete collection of Shirakami Fubuki merch. Fubuki is one of the longest standing Hololive talents, being a part of their first generation of HoloJP talents all the way back in 2018. Initially only finding her through clips of her speaking English at different points in games, eventually she found her way into my heart through streams and songs, quickly becoming one of my favourite Japanese members.

    Plus, she is a white fox, which I have to love considering my fursona is part Arctic Fox.

    Special shoutout to the card I have in the frame as well. Not only is the promo inside worth a considerable amount of money on the secondary market (thank you to Wes from VeXpo for pointing that out to me), the frame it is in possibly one of the best card display frames I have ever seen – it even came with a perfect fit inner sleeve to protect the card further whilst it is within the frame.

    The display lives on my Playstation shelf as well because it specifically ties into when Fubuki was once having problems with getting her PS2 to work for a stream, a little meta joke that, even after just explaining it, I am probably the only person who finds it funny.

    Anyway, that should do it for today. I am proud of myself for actually getting something out in the open today, but I am also very thankful to you for reading today’s edition of the Redundancy Review. Wherever you are I hope you are able to find some time to relax, we are past hump day now, and the weekend will soon be upon us.

  • Redundancy Review: Day 110-111, “Shark Attack!”

    (for context on what this series is, please see my Day 1 post here: Redundancy Review: Day 1, “A New Beginning” – Rosalia Rambles)

    Good morning hammerheads and nurses, welcome to Day 110-111 of Rosalia Rambles Redundancy Review.

    After a long relaxing weekend where nearly nothing was able to bother me, I now return to my desk full of one thing…

    …estrogen.

    Yup, the best way to end a fantastic set of days in which I felt the best I have in several months is me entering into the week starting my period once more which brings paranoia and overthinking back into my mind. Yum.

    You would think after almost three years of being in this cycle, there would be some measure of “used to this” with the fact my body decides to destroy itself whilst throwing my emotions into flux for up to a week, but nope – it still hits like a truck each time and brings out the worst of my inner monologues to put me in a funk.

    I carry on though, in spite of everything that could hold me back, to continue writing the part of my story that I currently find myself in the midst of: one girl trying to find her way in a world that is rapidly changing around her, all the while trying to keep herself on a good mental path.

    And sometimes, part of that story is having a brain that decides you need to feel inexplicably worse about everything going on in your life as if there is not a long history of things going your way.

    So, rather than go into any of the thinkpieces or in-depth stories I usually like to tell, I am going to go straight into the review section of today, and in honour of Title Update 3 coming out for Monster Hunter Wilds, it is time to go over one of my favourite musical tracks from the game that got me into the franchise as whole: Monster Hunter Rise.

    Not only is this one of my favourite tracks, it belongs to a monster I think is in contention for being my all-time favourite within the series as a whole – Crimson Glow Valstrax.

    For those who might be unaware, I have a massive fascination with fighter jets due to playing a large amount of Ace Combat, and this interest made me fall in love almost immediately with Valstrax’s design, being a peregrine falcon crossed with a dragon and then because that was somehow nowhere near badass enough, throwing a fucking F-22 Raptor into the mix to form an absolutely gorgeous design.

    And that is just its base design, as the Crimson Glow (shortened to CG for ease) variant in Rise takes the base form of Valstrax, adds in an unstable core of dragon energy to increase its aggression, and make its theme a thousand times more terrifying – especially if you are fighting the Risen variant found within the Sunbreak expansion.

    If it were not for Rey Dau coming into the mix with Wilds, Valstrax would be my definitive favourite monster outside of my meme pick of Dodogama, but that is a debate for another time.

    As additional comparison, I will be comparing CG Valstrax’s theme to the original Valstrax theme from Generations Ultimate, found here. Note: I have not played GU (a cardinal sin, I know), so my impression will be solely based on how I react to the music.

    Right from the start, CG Valstrax’s theme presents an aura of intimidation with a choir coming in to herald the arrival of this magnificent creature before launching into the main body of the song, which honestly makes me feel as if I am being relentlessly pursued by an apex predator.

    This differs from how the original theme makes me feel, as the progression of the song makes original Valstrax feel like a regal creature – one that is still completely capable of destroying you, but one that views your encounter more like a dance, a coordinated exchange of blows with two equally matched combatants. 

    CG Valstrax has no such illusions, they are driven solely by the amount of dragon energy coursing through them, and they want you dead.

    This is best exemplified during what I refer to as “the chase” section of CG Valstrax’s theme, shortly after the chorus concludes. In the GU version, this starts at the timestamp of 1:15, and honestly, I think there is nothing much to say about what plays out here before it returns to the start of the song.

    There are strings, there is choral singing, but this section of the GU theme honestly lets me down compared to how the CG theme plays out at the timestamp of 1:40.

    It is entirely possible I am blinded by bias, but you cannot deny how much more impactful “the chase” section of the song sounds in CG Valstrax’s theme, this version is the whole reason I call it “the chase” because it actively sounds as if you are being chased down and the rapid notes of the choral singing is your hunter panicking as this out of control creature bears down on you.

    Ultimately though, I love both versions, as I love both versions of Valstrax for what they represent for Monster Hunter. Crazy ideas that sound silly on paper, brought to life through detailed ecology.

    Some might disagree and say that Valstrax goes too far along the line of silly, but when you look at the similarly bizarre but beautiful designs of “T-Rex with a flaming sword for a tail” and “wyvern that creates explosive scales out of excreted oils”, I think a peregrine falcon dragon fighter jet is right at home.

    That will do it for today, I need to get back to my day job. Thank you for reading today’s edition of the Redundancy Review. Wherever you are, I hope the Monday blues are not bringing you down too hard and that you can find some time to relax today.

    As a little bonus, OG Valstrax’s theme won the Hunter’s Choice Best Monster Theme award over a year ago now, and in honour of that it got an EDM-style remix which, like the main themes, sounds absolutely fantastic.