Rosalia Rambles

Category: Personal

  • Redundancy Review: Day 126-128, “Even in the face of adversity”

    (for context on what this series is, please see my Day 1 post here: Redundancy Review: Day 1, “A New Beginning” – Rosalia Rambles)

    Good morning villains and adversaries, welcome to Day 126 to 128 of Rosalia Rambles Redundancy Review.

    The core of the Redundancy Review has been vulnerability, about showing the core of myself to the world, to talking about things that worry me and making a written record of my feelings.

    With how deep my recent depression has been, and continues to be, I think it is the right time for me to vomit words onto a page in the hopes of unfucking my brain just a little bit.

    So here goes nothing…

    At my core, I am a deeply insecure person. I am plagued by impostor syndrome on the daily, which infects my work, my hobbies, and my general being. There is a constant nagging voice in the back of my mind telling me that I am not good enough for my current field, hence my desire to switch out of the tech sector into something else.

    Like with a good deal of people in the modern age, I worry about what AI means for my job, about whether or not the field I have worked in for the last half a decade is about to be automated away entirely, even as discussions of the issues of the sustainability of the technology rage on. I know AI can be a helpful tool for doing away with menial and repetitive tasks that reduce friction, especially in creative ventures, but right now I feel the technology is being abused too much for the optimistic view to take hold.

    Most of all, I feel worried that I am going to lose what I currently have: my partner, my friends, the lifestyle I lead. Even when presented with evidence to the contrary, I find myself losing to the throes of a panic attack as I scream and cry for the pain overtaking my body to stop.

    I hold an immense amount of pride for the point I have managed to get my life to. I moved out shortly after turning 24, moving into my remarkably successful tech industry job around the same time… which did end in the redundancy that started this series but let us ignore that bit right now. Mixed in with all those big changes was me starting hormone replacement therapy as part of my transition into being the person I wanted to be, a decision I have never regretted or feel I ever will regret.

    For someone who had to rebuild the core of their life post-university due to having grown disdainful of the subject of their degree, I have done extremely well for myself. Ironically I have found myself reapplying some of my degree knowledge as part of my current contracting role, specifically in the usage of the Unity engine – some habits die hard I guess.

    But now I find myself almost at a crossroads, unsure of which path I want to walk down. Do I fully commit to the quality assurance route, upskilling myself in automation testing and utilising the fact that I do still have a programmer’s brain for good by hardening my skillset to find even better roles?

    Or do I walk away from the path I have travelled so far down to see where the road might fork, seeing where I could put my skills to the test in new sectors, such as charity or civil service?

    At the same time I need to ask myself the question of what this all means for my writing. I still want to tell my stories, even when I find myself with limited time on my hands due to the stresses of this world along with my own mind fighting against me, meaning I wish to pursue the mythical “work-life balance” that so many in the tech industry want to talk down on.

    All of those questions need answers, but they are most certainly not simple answers. So what do I do in the meantime? 

    Same thing as I did when I started working in the games industry, not knowing where I could end up.

    Same thing as I did when I transitioned over to the technology industry, and was unsure of my place in such a competitive industry.

    Same thing as when the news of my redundancy hit, and I did not know where my next paycheck would be coming from.

    I keep going.

    Even in the face of adversity.

    Even when my own insecurities are eating me alive.

    Even when I do not know what path the future will hold.

    I try my best to keep walking, with all the depression, uncertainty, and pain that comes along with navigating the current state of the world.

    And in honour of that, I think I want to talk about one of my favourite pieces of music as a review topic.

    For those unaware, I was just ever so slightly an emo kid growing up… yeah, I know, shocking, a trans girl grew up listening to emo music, in other news a fork was found in a kitchen today.

    But I was definitely someone who, in addition to a healthy diet of Dragonforce and video game OSTs, enjoyed the music of My Chemical Romance, Linkin Park (RIP Chester Bennington), and the subject of today’s review: Three Days Grace.

    What started my interest in the band was, of course, the absolute edgy banger of Animal I Have Become, the background track to everyone’s favourite AMV back in the day. But much like my love of Dragonforce, I went beyond the songs that everyone on the internet knew and looked further into their discography, leading me to discover Life Starts Now.

    It… is actually hard for me to do an in-depth lyrical analysis on this, because I think the entire song is a beautiful tale about never giving up and carrying on even when everything is against you, that it is never too late to change the way you have been living to make a new start. 

    I always like to look at the framing of the song being a conversation between two long-time friends, where one has gone through so much and is desperately tired, whereas the singer is trying to convince them that they have already been through so much that they survived through, that making another fresh start is not exactly going to hurt, and whatever comes next they will likely survive too.

    However, I do want to highlight the bridge, and do a little bit of my own analysis from my viewpoint on it:

    “All this pain

    Take this life and make it yours

    All this hate

    Take your heart and let it love again

    You will survive this somehow”

    There are so many ways I like to interpret this. The fantasy nerd in me loves to see this from the perspective of a warrior sacrificing themselves for their companion, giving them another chance at life while also telling them to not let hate consume them, to choose love instead to overcome the grief.

    But the more reasonable interpretation is the singer telling their friend that for all the pain they feel, for all the hatred they might feel at the world, and for any hatred they may feel at themselves, none of it is worth holding on to. As someone who has had to overcome many traumas in the course of their life, I know that holding on to pain and anger can very often be a choice, at least in my situation.

    Life got a lot better for me once I stopped being angry at the things that were tying me to the past, though this is not to say the emotions are not there within me – they most definitely still are. It is just that I try to live my day-to-day life without holding onto them, and in a way, I have to try apply that same logic to the feelings that the redundancy gave to me.

    It will take time, but I will survive this somehow, because through each moment of pain & heartbreak, there is a chance for life to start anew. I just need to be ready to meet that chance.

    Took a few days off work and off writing, and I feel I have come back still as strong as ever. Though I need a thumbnail picture…

    …yeah, that will do. Friend of mine sent me this image earlier in the week to remind me that I am still able to be successful, even if I do end up changing tracks.

    Thank you for reading the Redundancy Review. Wherever you are, I hope you are able to feel relaxed. If you are fighting your own battles, please know you are not alone in any of them. Help is out there if you need it, and the world is brighter for you being in it.

  • Redundancy Review: Day 118, “Career Uncertainty, Part 1”

    Redundancy Review: Day 118, “Career Uncertainty, Part 1”

    (for context on what this series is, please see my Day 1 post here: Redundancy Review: Day 1, “A New Beginning” – Rosalia Rambles)

    Good morning diviners and cartographers, welcome to Day 118 of Rosalia Rambles Redundancy Review.

    Things seem to be returning to normal for me now, I still live the busy life of a SaaS QA professional, but I do not feel the same amount of pressure as I was experiencing last week. 

    It is in this moment though, over four months gone since my initial redundancy and as the five-year milestone of my quality assurance career comes ever closer, that I find myself reflecting on where I am along with where I might want to go.

    I have been trying to write a “living CV” page on this website, though I keep putting it off in favour of other things, so now I feel it is a good time to start off writing a career retrospective along with talking about the moments of uncertainty that have come along the way.

    My career as a Quality Assurance professional started in March 2021, where I joined Codemasters Software Company as a QA Technician. I joined in the Xbox Functional QA team for F1 2021.

    Look, there I am in the credits!

    Honestly, even though it is over four years gone now, and the game is not even available to purchase on Steam anymore which really sucks cause I would love to revisit it for a review, I still hold an immense amount of pride for my first credited video game release – especially when I consider the amount of effort I put into that release.

    Codemasters was my first job ever, so I tried to push myself above and beyond to show what I was capable of. This inevitably led to me getting noticed by the higher ups, not only for my sheer amount of bugs being logged, but for the sheer tenacity I had when it came to throwing myself into test sheets.

    This led to me getting the opportunity to go into the Southam office for a week to try my hand at some audio testing in the, quite frankly beautiful, surround sound room at the recently refurbished QA building. Getting hands on with more specialised testing really left a lasting impact on me, especially as I got the chance to do this only one month into my job.

    Fun fact: this is actually the only time I have worked in an office/in-person setting, the rest of my career has been entirely remote, as I changed roles right as offices were beginning to open up again.

    After that, I continued grinding on. Helping out where needed with requests from my lovely & sweary platform lead (I call him that affectionately, we bonded over colourful language from time to time), continuing to plug away at my test sheets, and maintained the push towards the ever-approaching release date.

    As that time came closer, overtime became available to help push things over the line. Unlike other game development companies which might make crunch time mandatory; Codemasters was on an entirely voluntary basis, with you nominating yourself for certain days to work and it being up to the lead QA’s discretion on who would make it in.

    Now, as I have mentioned I was eager to prove myself and get stuck in.

    Perhaps too eager.

    So I put my name down for every available overtime day between the start of the final push all the way up to the day of the final Build Verification Test (BVT) being sent off to Xbox in order to get the discs manufactured.

    Nineteen days.

    Nineteen days in a row.

    Admittedly, the pay was good. We got time-and-a-half for any Saturday or Sunday work, and considering late May bank holiday fell during this time too that paid double-time – this led to me having enough to buy myself a proper gaming PC once the stressful period was over.

    That said… never again. Never again do I want to work to that same degree because I was thoroughly destroyed by the end of it all. 

    When the eighteenth day came around I vividly remember barely being lucid at my desk. I remember going into work, sitting at my desk, and around eight hours later I logged off before heading straight into bed before day nineteen started with a final rush to do a BVT.

    It was a hard push, and it definitely taught me one of my many lessons about listening to my body.

    Release came and went, but even as the needs of the team shifted with post-launch content on the horizon along with people being migrated across to other projects, my role mostly stayed the same, plugging away happily at my tasks.

    During this time period, a Senior QA Technician role came up within the company, and despite being relatively green I was encouraged to apply by the QA lead and my platform lead. I did land an interview as well where I was complimented for how I handled myself, but ultimately they wanted someone with more experience who could more reasonably step into a platform lead kind of role.

    However, once again, my tenacity and drive did not go unnoticed. Soon after this I was brought into a call with two other stellar QAs from the Playstation and PC team to be told we were going to be made “second-in-commands” for our respective teams, essentially being groomed for management type roles in the near future.

    This meant I was taking on more responsibility, though, given the fact our team sizes had shrunk massively due to projects elsewhere in the company, the team I managed to start off with was ultimately very small. Nevertheless, I was given my first exposure to what it took to organise a QA effort within a large-scale project.

    Though, it was not long though until new hires started rolling in to begin work on F1 22 (EA had decided to drop the “20” part of the name to bring it in line with their other sports franchises) that I got a chance to start guiding and mentoring fresh QAs… which did lead to a funny story.

    It was the week before the Christmas shutdown started, both the QA lead and my platform lead had used some annual leave to add some extra time to a well-deserved break – this left me the de facto “leader” of the Xbox team in their absence.

    One day, one of the newer QAs came to me with a question relating to specific Xbox console guidelines. I was unsure of what he was asking, so I said to give me a minute whilst I went to my platform lead…

    …oh wait, platform lead is not in. That is fine I will just go to the QA lead…

    …no he is not in either…

    …shit…

    …I am the one in charge, I need to get him an answer.

    I hastily searched through the very helpful glossary of Xbox terminology I had been provided at the start of my job to get him an answer, letting them log the bug report correctly and carry on with their day unimpeded.

    F1 22 started on schedule, and whilst I was still required to get F1 2021 over the line in terms of the final bits of post-release content – primarily battle pass stuff – I was still hard at work making my mark on the new project too, hoping to maintain my crown as Rosalia, Queen of the Bug Leaderboard.

    But… I was also wanting for more. First of all I wanted more money, as for all the above and beyond what I was doing it was still minimum wage for the time, but also I wanted a new challenge. Initially I did try branching out into writing roles once more but also kept applying to QA roles as well.

    I interviewed for Immerse, and shortly after I moved into my new flat early in 2022, I got the job offer from them which started my now nearly four year long stint in the SaaS XR industry.

    Although, I needed to tell the people at Codemasters that I would not be continuing my employment with them. Due to the nature of my role, a full-time contract which was periodically renewed, all I really needed to do was give notice that I did not intend to pursue a renewed contract with the company.

    What I did do though was call both the QA lead (who was my manager) and my platform lead. During the call with the former he knew it was coming due to being put down as a reference for one of my applications, but he understood that someone of my skills wanted to try out different environments.

    My platform lead had a very different initial reaction:

    “Who’s upset you? Tell me and I’ll thump them for you!”

    He was a very bombastic character, and even through those jokey moments he understood why I was leaving, wishing me the best.

    I left Codemasters end of March 2022, a week later I would start working at Immerse which began a chapter that has defined, and continues to define, my current adult life. But that story is for another time.

    Still got my name in the credits for F1 22 though.

    So, what does this all have to do with uncertainty?

    Because at every key story moment, from starting out to overtime, the senior QA interview to being the second-in-command, to even deciding to take the plunge to leave: I was uncertain.

    The title is a dual-meaning. I currently experience uncertainty about where I want my career to go in the wake of drastic changes within the last four months, but simultaneously, I have made my career in spite of uncertainty. 

    Even when presented with opportunities where I was never fully sure how they would go, I always said yes.

    When I was unsure on what I should be doing, my head was still down and I still moved forward.

    I am a career uncertain, and whilst I do not know what direction I may take next, I do know that my tenacious & enthusiastic spirit will come along with it.

    Maybe next time I will tell the story about how that spirit persists even when the flesh is spongy, bruised, and extremely tired.

    So many stories to tell, guess that is as good a reason as any to keep writing them down. To be honest the above does not even begin to cover everything I experienced at Codemasters that stuck with me, so even more reason to keep writing.

    But even though I have written damn near 1800 words, I still think I should get a review subject in here somehow.

    Yeah, let us go for the random object I had to hand – not like it is an uncommon theme on the Redundancy Review.

    Well, not entirely random, as when it comes to buying drinks there is one specific reason that comes to my mind whenever I need to buy apple juice.

    Last week was extremely stressful for me, balancing work, periods, and trying to stay generally healthy. Unfortunately for me, one thing always happens when I am placed under large amounts of stress: my stomach starts getting fucked up.

    One thing I have always found helpful in mitigating that is apple juice, especially a more “wholesome” brand like this Cawston Press carton where it is more likely to pure juice rather than from concentrate, it helps put my stomach at rest in a way that ginger or turmeric based products often struggle to.

    This carton specifically cost me £3.95 from a local and small greengrocer that I love going to for its wide variety of more off-brand products than you would find in a supermarket, plus shopping local is always the best route to take where possible. Admittedly it is definitely a steeper price that what you would pay elsewhere, but supporting local can be like that sometimes.

    Anyway, that will do it for today, it has still been surprisingly stressful even though I have managed to find the time to write today. Thank you for reading today’s edition of the Redundancy Review, wherever you are I hope the Monday blues are not hitting you too hard, and that the week ahead looks clear for you.

  • One story ends, another begins

    Another year has gone by, meaning it’s another year where I ramble aimlessly into the WordPress editor to sum up my experiences in this year. Admittedly that’s pretty on brand, considering the title of my blog, and I feel there is actually a lot more to say than my last one of these posts.

    2022 was an absolutely jam-packed year for me, in that I decided fairly early on in the year to place a brick on top of the accelerator and then decided to not take that brick off at any point. In this year I have:

    • Moved out of the family home and into my own, independent space
    • Left my old gaming quality assurance job and moved into a very exciting field with an amazing company
    • Took major medical steps in my transition, to the point that at the end of the year my hormone levels are where they’re supposed to be 7 months into my treatment
    • Simultaneously made great advances in my social transition, experimenting with feminine things I had never considered prior to this year
    • Realised I had someone to love incredibly close to me, and despite many fears and paranoias, work to develop a relationship with them
    • Had my most successful year to date with Rosalia’s Rambles, putting out 13 stories, some of which I would consider my best work

    However, for all these massive achievements, I have also had my fair share of troubles this year:

    • During the middle of summer this year I finally succumbed to COVID-19 and got hit hard by it, to the point I was struggling with long COVID for the better part of two months after finally testing negative
    • My hormone treatment, whilst beneficial, has completely turned my energy levels and emotional capacity onto its head, leading to days where I’m scrambling to find energy or sobbing over nothing
    • Asserting myself as the transgender woman I want to be has placed strain on some of my interpersonal relationships, the effects of which I will likely be navigating through all of 2023
    • And whilst this has been my most successful year of Rambles, including taking two paid commissions for the first time, I end this year having suffered a major creative burnout and loss of engagement with my main source of inspiration

    Despite this though? I keep moving forward. There’s no way I can be stopped now, I’ve come so far and done so much to not give up now. I’ve fought for my place in this world and have waived my right to be forgotten, because living as myself for the majority of this year has shown me how beautiful life is.

    I said in last year’s post that I wanted Rambles to become a celebration of who I am, about being a trans woman who wants to inspire others. My stories and personal writings reflect this, and every triumph and every setback is part of my personal story collection now.

    And as one story ends in 2022, another story begins in 2023.

    I will continue to create, my desire to tell stories might be smouldering, but like the phoenix it will always come back, however long it takes.

    Every new achievement, and every new hurdle will become a part of this story, letting me continue to write my place in this world and provoke inspiration through my writing.

    What will I write about? Who knows! My primary inspiration might have flickered, but there are always stories that need telling. And I’ll be here to tell them as and when they come to me.

    Thanks for sticking by me through this year, see you all in the next ❤

  • Rosalia’s Journey

    (Approximate story word count: 1400 words. Estimated reading time: 14 minutes)

    Late at night, a girl lies back in bed, closing her eyes gently. A substantial pile of duvets weighs her down as a soft mattress comforts her back, flanked by plush toys either side, letting a cocoon of warmth entice her into sleep and bring her into a deep dream.

    She opens her eyes to find herself standing upon a small island, a wooden footbridge floating in water in front of her. This platform opened up to a vast horizon of fog shrouded islands, all situated in the ocean of her mind, the water reflecting the cooler colours of night rather than the warm colours of day.

    Feeling a deep rooted desire drawing her forward, she took steps across the footbridge, which soon sank as she reached the first island.

    The fog lifted to reveal a wide-sprawling island, filled with various flowers displaying blurred pictures. Vague memories of how life started out, certain key events where a specific detail can be recalled, but no context is granted outside of that.

    Some pictures were cracked, a painful memory perhaps, or just a recollection of something that hurt in hindsight. It did not matter. It was all distant and out of focus now, even if a spectre of sadness still lingered. The girl walked forward, observing various monuments built to the interests of old. 

    Assorted toys, games, and objects formed support pillars to the foundations of the future. Some were solid, a lifelong interest building towards an in-depth understanding and passion. Others were more haphazardly constructed, fascinations thrown together in the hope of finding purpose, only to collapse when pressure was applied.

    It was unknown to the girl, but as she walked forward her footsteps left small shoots growing where her foot had imprinted the ground. They were unnoticeable unless you were looking for them intently, but nonetheless they were there, small green shoots that bloomed small blue, pink, and white flowers.

    As the girl approached the other end of the island, butterflies surrounded her. Fluttering about, keeping her company at any given moment. An active group, filling her with joy and contentment with life. But as she got closer to a set of footbridges leading to other islands, they started to disperse, until only a few lone butterflies were with her, perched upon her shoulder.

    There were three bridges, all of them leading to more fog-covered islands. The girl attempted to go left, but found the fog too dense to even see where she was placing her feet. She tried to go right, and somehow the fog obscuring her path could not even be walked through. She had no choice but to move forward.

    Upon arriving at the next island, the bridge the girl had walked upon collapsed into the water, and with it the few remaining butterflies left her too. This island was darker, with familiar but changed surroundings. 

    The monuments of interest were still standing, if in need of some loving restoration. Certain pillars found themselves neglected yet strong, a part hidden away to find acceptance but not something that can ever truly go away. Others had started to compress under the pressures of academia, once passionate interests starting to become more like chores than anything else.

    As the girl studied each monument, she was joined by a variety of ethereal creatures. A firefly illuminated the area in front of her, a bird perched upon her shoulders, and a lizard kept watch from atop her head. An odd mix of creatures, but ones that stood by her regardless of what was going on around her.

    What were once shoots in her wake had now become permanent gardens upon this island. A beautiful array of blue, pink, and white flowers arranged neatly into planting boxes, providing assurance that these were not meant to be fleeting. Each of the boxes had a plaque attached to it, but it was blank. A permanent fixture, but one not yet understood.

    The surroundings became more crumbled as the girl reached the end of this island, with multiple bridges now in front of her. There seemed to be no limit on the options she could have taken here, but most of the bridges here were incomplete or in disrepair. 

    Again, she could only move forward. And again as she reached a new island, the bridge behind her collapsed.

    Her animal companions had disappeared, and this island was in a much worse condition, disguised by the bright conditions surrounding it. Shoots and small gardens were no more, this entire island was covered in all manner of plants in those same three colours. It was completely unavoidable, even if that meant a long period of thinking.

    Despite the bright colours of the flora, a lot of it was unhealthy. Dehydrated, smelling weird, not getting the right nutrients from the soil – it was still able to live, but it was not a life that could last. Things had to change, but with everything going else on the island, it had to wait.

    Storms had done significant damage to the monuments. Interests that had formed career paths were decimated, only the pieces remaining. The girl saw shapes that potentially connected and tried to build a new structure back up, but the foundations were not there, and they crumbled back to the ground. 

    In the distance the girl could see floating lights, faint words coming from them but inaudible with everything happening on the island. There was too much noise, an overwhelming amount almost, causing everything to feel out of focus and fuzzy.

    The girl did not want to stay here any longer, and unlike the previous islands, there was only one bridge, only one way to move forward.

    She charged down the bridge, into the fog, hoping her feet would find solid ground as she ran forward. Faint voices and shouts came from within the fog, telling her to find herself, to get herself on the right path, to become a better person. Apparitions formed before her before fading, events and memories racing by.

    It was all too much.

    Falling to her knees, the girl started to cry softly, speaking out loud to herself. “I can’t do this… I’m not strong enough… I’m all alone…”. The fog thickened around her, obscuring where she had come from, and leaving no idea where she was going.

    A ball of light appeared to her side, a vibrant green orb speaking to her.

    “You’re not alone.”

    Another one appeared, this time a soothing lavender.

    “You never have been.”

    Another, a calming blue.

    “We’re all here for you.”

    A glowing orange.

    “Even when everything feels lonely.”

    A deep yellow.

    “And you don’t think you’re good enough.”

    A mysterious purple.

    “We’ll shine a light.”

    Finally, a bright pink orb, right in front of her eyes.

    “To guide you back home.”

    The glowing balls of light orbited around the girl, piercing through the fog and illuminating the way forward. It took some effort to stand back up, wiping her eyes clear of tears as she did, before she continued walking forward on the bridge, reaching another island.

    Unlike all the others, this one was devoid of any structures or landmarks. To the side were piles of materials, flowers, items with which to build new things. As the girl inspected them, she noticed the bridge she walked across collapse, and the fog that was behind her cleared up.

    All the previous islands were revealed. The ones she visited, and the ones she was unable to. Any path divergence had been accounted for as an island, a physical landmark of what could have been.

    But visiting it was fruitless, as had it not happened. It might be in view, but all it should be is seen. For if a different path had been walked, the overall journey would have changed, and the girl would not be where she is today without everything that had come before.

    And equally, as all the potential paths were laid out, the bridges that linked to previous events collapsed. The past should be in view, but walking back to it serves no purpose. The girl was not heading backwards, she was always moving forward. 

    For now though, she could build the island she was currently on, joined by even more glowing orbs of light. Each one represented a soul she kept close to her own, a guiding light in the dark times, piercing through the fog and letting the future be visible.

    Who knows what shape this island could take, and when the next island could appear.

    The girl was not afraid.

    Her journey would never be walked alone.

    Inspiration

    Upfront, this one was personal for me, and what I want to end 2022 on.

    A lot has happened this year, the majority of which will be covered in my year’s end ramble, but I want to briefly go over my thoughts with this one.

    In a year of great changes, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about what happened previously in my life, what stages of the journey had happened previously and what they represent. The three major stages I covered in this story were childhood, secondary school, and university, reason being these are chapters I firmly consider closed in my life, so they felt best to turn into “islands”, as I could establish what would be on each one.

    My current stage of my life, or the island with nothing on it but materials, is probably one I’d call “learning to be Rosa”. I’m coming up to three years being out as a girl, and whilst I learnt a lot about myself in that time, there’s a lot I’m still getting to grips with, especially as I’m firmly within the grip of second puberty (also known as HRT).

    Unsurprisingly, the balls of light represent the group of people I have been closest with this year, and I really fucking hope I remembered all of you otherwise I’m gonna feel bad. During my roughest moments I have had my friends by my side to reassure me of the path I’m walking, to provide guidance when I struggle to see what’s ahead of me.

    And to make sure that no matter how I feel, I am never truly alone.

    This one was written for me, as a way of closing off my year as a fiction writer, and also this marks my thirteenth story in 2022, which was my goal when starting out this year. I hope you enjoyed reading, I most certainly enjoyed writing this one.

  • Rosalia’s Visit

    (Approximate story word count: 1500 words. Estimated reading time: 15 minutes.)

    Summer storms often had a pleasing beauty to them. The intense heat being replaced with a vicious downpour of rain, sometimes joined by bursts of thunder and lightning. On one such night, a lightning bolt hit the ground outside of a rural home, with a figure appearing within the impact zone.

    “Alright…”, she said, brushing herself down gently as she sought shelter from the rain inside the porch of the house, “…time travel actually does work”.

    The girl was tall, standing at a lofty six foot, and was elevated even further through a pair of three-inch heeled boots. These lead into a pair of tight, defining, black leather leggings, accompanied by a purple and black plaid pleated skirt. She wore a simple and sleeveless black lace top which was covered up via a purple zip-up hoodie, long blonde hair cascading gently over the hood.

    “Feels weird coming back here like this,” she said as she rummaged in her pockets, producing a set of keys. She flipped past the various keychains and tools she kept on them until finally reaching a short key, placing it into the lock and turning it. With a noticeable “ka-chunk”, the lock turned, and the door opened.

    “Even across time these still work, hopefully the noise dampener field is working okay.”

    She entered the house and closed the door behind her, making sure that all the locks were back into place. Peering into the kitchen she saw two dogs sleeping either side of the dining table, both huddled into soft beds.

    “Back when they slept through the night… how things changed as time went on.”

    She walked up the stairs, taking in her surroundings as she turned around the corners before reaching the landing. Pausing, she waited and listened closely. The sound of snores affirmed that everyone was indeed asleep, from the room on the far left to the room on the far right.

    There were some mumblings from the room in the middle, which the girl entered into, closing the door behind her.

    “Been a while, hasn’t it?”

    The room itself was incredibly messy. Clothes, books, games, and all sorts were strewn across the floor in seemingly random locations, storage boxes being used as just general gathering areas for items rather than ways to organise things.

    “Being upfront this doesn’t change later on, we’re getting better at it for sure but there is definitely a lot of messiness still present.”

    The girl found a spot to perch herself on the bed and sat down, looking across the sleeping figure with a slight smile on her face. She reached into her hoodie pocket to pull out a small notebook, flipping through it to find what she wanted to say.

    “If my notes are correct, and they… usually aren’t but we’ll ignore that for now, I should have ended up in twenty-sixteen, just as you’ve finished up sixth form.”

    Leaning forward from her perch on the bed, the girl looked closely at the hair of the sleeping figure, taking into account its length.

    “Yup, twenty-sixteen, I’d recognise that egg haircut in progress easily.”

    The girl read closely into her notebook, furrowing her brows and looking at what is to come in the timeline.

    “So, you screw your A-Levels up pretty badly, but you do get into university all the same. Not going right away obviously because of your gap year, which does give you some pretty good experiences all the same in working with students, though you are kept idle a lot of the time otherwise.”

    She flicked through the pages a bit more, mumbling about inactivity, not a lot happening, various other events of the year before reaching the pages marked “2017” and gasping loudly.

    “Aha! This is where things definitely pick up. You get in good with a monthly group meetup, playing board and card games, chatting with people about all sorts of topics, and making several really good friends along the way. These events actually serve as a lynchpin for a lot of things coming up.”

    The next page was brought up, causing the girl to sigh in disappointment before laughing in joy.

    “So two major events come up later on this year. You start university which is… I’ll get onto that later, cause it contains a lot. But you also cosplay as a girl for the first time a month later, which awakens a whole lot of things, including the fact you are actually a girl, and a very pretty one at that.”

    She sighed once more, before going to read more pages.

    “But unfortunately you don’t really act on this for a while, you keep it bottled up a bit more. Even after a lot of people realised it about you, you kept the real you hidden away a bit longer. Not to mention the general life difficulties you encounter in university…”

    The girl paused, thumbing the notebook gently, biting her lip, very much not wanting to speak on this topic.

    “University… I’ll keep it brief. You aren’t cut out for academic life, as much as it would have been difficult, you could have found a job and tried to make your own way. You had some programming acumen to begin with, but you kept trying to be something you were not.”

    A longer pause filled the air.

    “And you destroyed a few good things getting to that finish line. Doing serious damage to personal relationships that you stayed in denial of for the longest time, holding onto some semblance of what a “friendship” was without realising what was actually going on. You grow out of being that person, but remembering the way you were never gets easy.”

    Pages turned back, and were held on for a moment, thinking about what could have been, until the girl flicked through some more pages.

    “You stayed that way for a while yet, until you got both therapy and a stable job. Having something to give your day a schedule and talking through what issues you were facing with someone professional genuinely helped, to the point you were able to stop taking antidepressants!”

    The next few pages were turned to and studied carefully, more meaningful events being revealed.

    “Your newly found income opened up a lot of options, especially in pursuing trans healthcare. Later on in the year you got both a psychology appointment and a hormone appointment booked for within a month of each other. Waiting on the NHS was no longer needed, you could take the steps to become the best version of you right away.”

    The girl looked down at herself, appreciating her own appearance with a euphoric smile, realising how much life the figure had ahead of them.

    “Speaking of steps to becoming your best self, remember those nerds you met back in early twenty-eighteen? Yeah, you choose to move in with one of them in a town you love, and it goes pretty well. Some rough moments here and there but you’re able to live your truth independent of those around you, which I have to say, even now, feels fantastic.”

    A page was turned before it was flipped back a few times, an important point having been glossed over.

    “Right, yeah, your job was fantastic, and you could have kept at it a while longer. But you yearned for more, both financially and personally. Change is scary, your whole life is defined by a series of scary changes, but staying the same would have limited your potential for growth of all kinds.”

    The notebook was closed, and the girl began to speak from the heart.

    “And in truth, you still don’t really know where you’re going. You have a knack for technology, but you know you could be happy elsewhere. You reach deep into your emotions to produce beautiful stories that your friends are excited to see. Even if the path feels difficult, you’re always on track to grow and reach a road eventually.”

    She leaned close to the figure, tearing up slightly as she talked to them.

    “You will become the person you want to be. You’re going to fuck it up, like, a whole lot. But you’re going to be amazing. All you have to do is keep moving forward, always. You’ve got your friends behind you, you’ve got your boyfriend behind you, and hey…”

    “I always knew I’d end up being amazing, so I know the exact kind of person you’ll become.”

    Spark emanated around the girl, indicating that her time was up in this period. She moved away from the bed, looking fondly at her past self. A subdued smile crossed her lips as she was pulled back into the timestream, back to her present. Life had been filled with difficult moments for her, but through her simple action of going back in time, she proved that they brought her to where she was.

    They were worth it.

    Every time.

    Inspiration

    Have to admit, it has been fun writing more abstract or experimental stories. I love every bit of writing work I do but having to think about a piece in an unusual way does leave me with a good bit of satisfaction. 

    The idea for this story came out of a discussion I had with my roommate, we were just idly talking about where we had ended up and the, sometimes unwise, decisions we had made in the past. Despite all of the hardship that some of these might have caused, we both were in agreement that without some of them, we would not have met the people in our life who are important.

    This, combined with the ever present meme of a trans person going back in time to their past self, led to me wanting to explore how that would work for me. 

    Definitely used a very introspective mind to be able to write this, more so than usual. With my usual character stories I can draw on various elements of myself to provide inspiration or add a character quirk. In this case, I was literally combing through my own memories to get the story structure together.

    Confronted a fair few difficult memories by doing so, and yeah, there’s a lot of “what if” questions I can ask. But I’m not going to waste time, cause I know what I need to do to keep those memories just that.

    Keep moving forward.

    Keep being awesome.

    Keep growing.

  • Writing towards the future

    Writing this one without much rhyme or reason in the WordPress editor directly, just so it is directly my thoughts put to the screen. Also not my usual posting day but an end of year post should probably come on the right day.

    Putting out new posts and stories to this site has definitely been slow this year, but the very good reason for that is my day job takes up the majority of my time and usually I have other things going on in the evening which makes story progress slow.

    This has lead to me feeling more satisfied with myself when I put out story pieces though, as I have not been pressuring myself to hit a self-imposed deadline. I can enjoy my writing work for what it is: something fun and on the side, as an outlet of creativity.

    The year in general has been interesting for me, I have started my job, fell in love with QA as an occupation, lost friends (either by my own fault or through general degradation over time), gained friends, found new interests, developed existing interests, and most importantly, actually got my life on a path I am happy with.

    It still requires a lot of work, and will require me to continue putting all of my effort to improving myself, but something my therapist has told me in the past combined with my love of writing gives me something to hold onto.

    I write my own truth. I am writing my own story at this very moment. And I want Rambles to reflect that.

    2022 is a year of great transition and change for me. I am pursuing gender affirming healthcare and pushing myself to move into my own space in order to have a safe environment in which to assert myself as a beautiful, lesbian, trans woman.

    Going forward Rambles will continue to host my stories because part of my mission is to make this a showcase of my characters, but I want Rambles to reflect the other part of me, the true me. I want my writings to be a celebration of who I am, sharing stories of joy about being trans and gay, to give something positive back to the world, and maybe give someone the courage to find their true self.

    No matter what, I am going to keep writing. Cause with five different characters now in my repertoire, there is no shortage of worlds to bring to life.

    See you all next year ❤

  • Blocked: 05/04/21

    Yeah… nothing really proper this week either.

    And it is entirely because I am fully blocked up when it comes to writing, even running the 10 minute rule is not helping the creativity start flowing.

    Not for lack of ideas, considering I have:

    • Two Marieya stories in the works
    • A backstory and an in-depth build analysis of an upcoming character
    • A Blaze story
    • Literally any of the stupid homebrew subclasses I have created I could talk about

    But yeah, I am really struggling to get creative right now and it honestly fucking sucks, cause the ideas are there but I just can’t get anything consistent out, and if I try forcing it out the quality of the work declines and my self-esteem about my work falls too.

    Something proper will come out eventually, just need more time to sort things out.

  • Personal: The Best Kind of Tired

    So, there is no new actual content today because I started my first ever full time job this time last week.

    Won’t go into too much detail (partially for conciseness, partially to avoid potential contract violations by saying too much) but I’m working in functional Quality Assurance (QA) testing for Codemasters. After some difficulty during induction and getting things set up, I was able to properly get into the groove of things and really enjoy my working days.

    However, I have gone from being a layabout NEET who writes on impulse to a 40 hour work week, and that has very much acted as a shock to my system in the best way possible. I’m reliably getting up at regular times, I feel accomplished at the end of the day as I start to relax, I’m drinking more water at work which is doing wonders for my skin and system as opposed to the energy drink cocktails I was downing before.

    But also, when I’ve been clocking off at the end of the day this week I’ve been so worn out that my creative juices just aren’t flowing, and I’ve preferred to spend my time chilling with a hot drink and a couple of films. Not to say I don’t have content ideas planned, it’s just very difficult to clock out of work and attempt to write the kind of content I want to write.

    I’ll be doing my best to keep to my schedule of posting every Monday at 9:30am GMT, but the kind of content that will be outputted is going to vary drastically for about a month or so.

    Once I’m fully settled into my routine though, the personal satisfaction I now have from my job will inspire me to greater heights.

  • Personal: Year’s End, Rambles Reborn

    At time of writing there are about seven days left in the year, and I figured I would use this time to evaluate what I have done this year, what I have achieved, and look forward to what may be coming next.

    So, two of the biggest things to happen this year to me were fully accepting that I am definitely more feminine than my assigned gender (I am still trying to figure out the more specific details of how I feel – it has been an up and down journey) and finally graduating from university after three years, coming out with the best possible result of a First class degree.

    Both of those are massive accomplishments, especially in a year living in the shadow of a global pandemic and the looming spectre of repeated lockdowns. There have been a good smattering of smaller successes too, namely setting up this website and trying to collect my various writing works together into one hub.

    However, where success lies, there are bound to be failures that scatter the path towards them. And as alluded to, this year has not been easy for a lot of reasons, and I have definitely had a lot of realisations and challenges that came along the way.

    First off, coming out as gender nonconforming is really difficult. It took a lot of courage to work myself up to telling my major friend groups, to the point I deployed a meme to do most of the initial talking for me. Obviously because I am friends with some amazing people; there was no real question on whether or not I would be accepted but the doubts still creep in from time to time.

    Secondly… mental health troubles. Whilst I have always struggled with mental health issues for a long time, discoveries and potential disasters through the past couple of months have opened my eyes to how bad things got sometimes.

    At some points during the year, there had been a risk of me permanently damaging some of the relationships I shared with people, through a bit of pigheadedness and a lot of despair; I came close to losing touch with one of the closest friends I have nowadays. Things got better over time, and a massive change in their life has made both them and me extremely happy, but I still worry how things could have gone if I did not snap out of that funk.

    Same time, different trajectory was coming to terms with the fact I am almost definitely neurodivergent to some degree, specifically being on the autistic spectrum somewhere and having a form of attention-deficit disorder. The latter of which is why content was so plentiful in the early days of this website and why it dropped like a brick when I got burnt out realising it was very difficult trying to do three 4000 word articles plus research and media in a single week.

    Whilst a positive change in my life (going on SSRI tablets) have helped manage some of the symptoms I experience on a day-to-day basis; there is definitely still more to be done in terms of developing healthy coping mechanisms and potentially acquiring medication to specifically manage the ADD symptoms.

    And generally I have lost a lot of initial direction I had back when I first started university. For various reasons (stresses of final year, stresses outside of final year, and the job economy as a whole) I have lost a lot of my drive towards game development as a career. I know for a fact that programming and academia is a combination I do not wish to return to, but, watch this space all the same for if I relent and go in for a Master’s degree.

    But, other than a single QA role I have an interview coming up for, it is hard to envision myself working professionally within the games industry in the next couple of years. I am trying to ease myself back in with light work on a friend’s arcade flight game (go follow @ClaraDotH on Twitter for more updates – she does great work!) but the next big real step I need to try conquer is using Rambles as a content platform for my portfolio work too.

    In terms of current career trajectory, things are definitely a bit jumbled right now. I know I definitely have a passion for writing and would love to be able to do that full time in some capacity, be it copywriting for a marketing company or games studio, or going off on my own and trying to freelance things.

    But aside from that, my main goal is finding something relatively regular and decently paying enough to get my foot in the door and fund other projects. Council jobs, admin roles, something professional enough to round out my skill set and improve my employability.

    Through all those rough patches though, in the end things have always turned out alright. I have amazing groups of friends to rely on for advice and support when I need it, when the weight of depression relents I know I am able to create beautiful and detailed pieces of writing, and even though things look cloudy now; I know my passion for wanting to create entertaining games will return one day.

    And that is not to mention all the other good that has happened to me this year:

    • Met and befriended quite a few new people, and learnt a lot about the ones I already know
    • Got introduced into the amazing Ace Combat franchise and ended up becoming a huge fan
    • Started to play in two ongoing TTRPG games which are both amazingly fun and spectacular muses for my writing work
    • Considered starting up my own TTRPG game to both experience the thrill of DMing and guide my friends through great stories
    • And started actually filling out my wardrobe with non-cosplay items to achieve a well-rounded (but still very WIP) female outfit selection

    Going forward, I definitely hope to keep creating content for Rambles, but definitely at my own pace for I certainly do not currently have a lack of ideas. I have several pieces planned about Ace Combat 7, needing to review both Ace Combats 5 and Zero, finally getting around to doing MtG based content and even branching out into cosplay posts at some point in the future too.

    Things have not been easy this year, and with the way things are going, it is looking like they may not properly relent for some time either. Regardless, I intend to keep plowing on the best I can, knowing that soon everything can, and will, work out in the end.

  • Update: Changing things up

    So, if you follow my blog regularly; you’ll have noticed that I didn’t do a post yesterday. I do normally adhere to a schedule of Tuesday/Thursday/Sunday for posting content but recently, things have been a little difficult for me.

    A lot of what I write tends to be long form content with an average word count of about 3000 words per piece of fiction or review. I frequently exceed these numbers as well, and whilst I do consider myself an okay writer, approximately 10,000 words a week is not sustainable especially when taking into account the amount of research I do per piece.

    You may have noticed some grammar issues, spelling errors/word order errors, and that is because I was often up late trying to finish work in time for self-imposed deadlines. This almost always lead to me cutting corners and proofreading time, leading to the overall quality of my work to suffer and to burning out incredibly quickly.

    Going forward, things will be different. I’m not going to adhere to a strict schedule at all, whilst I did initially going back to my Wednesday/Sunday schedule; I think for the time being having no set schedule at all will allow my creativity to flourish a bit more.

    I’ll try my best to do short update posts every so often to let people know what I’m working on and what sort of content can be expected in the near future. I definitely want to do more music reviews, talk more about some of my favourite older games, and finally start doing the Magic: the Gathering content I’ve always wanted to write.

    If you want to stick around through this uncertain time, you will have my eternal gratitude. Watch this space to see the next stage of Rosalia’s Rambles.