Rosalia Rambles

Tag: anxiety

  • Redundancy Review: Day 100, “Stories”

    (for context on what this series is, please see my Day 1 post here: Redundancy Review: Day 1, “A New Beginning” – Rosalia Rambles)

    Good morning playwrights and screenwriters, welcome to… Day 100, of Rosalia Rambles Redundancy Review.

    There have been a lot of milestones on this journey, from marking months past the inciting incident, and to celebrating Day 69 the only way I knew how (immaturity), but Day 100 feels incredibly significant to me.

    It is difficult to consider how much my life has changed in the hundred days since I was first made redundant, and honestly, I have the Redundancy Review to thank for giving me a timeline to work from because otherwise I would not have kept track of how much time had actually passed, as it feels recent and distant simultaneously.

    But for all the hardship, all the good times, and the self-doubt that continues to pervade my system every day… I am still here. The story has not yet ended.

    And I want to dedicate today’s Redundancy Review to that topic: stories. It is a word I consistently use on this blog, with “storyteller” being my preferred title to describe what I want to do in life.

    Even if the current form of my passion for writing came to me later in life, I have always had a fascination with stories. To my best memory (curse you depression and neurodivergence causing me to forget things), I was always a kid who liked immersing myself in stories, either real or made-up. I remember enjoying creative writing assignments more than most, and even if I was not the best at literature analysis; discovering the story within a piece of writing fascinated me.

    Stories are an essential part of human existence – millions are generated every day by people around the world, whether they realise it or not. A lived experience will one day become a story you tell to others, the hardship of today will eventually become something you laugh about in the future, and the missteps you make now form their way into a cautionary tale for the future.

    This is the core of the Redundancy Review, the story of one girl trying to navigate her way through an ever-changing world whilst she grapples with her own life being disrupted drastically. Even if the schedule slips and I end up missing out a couple days of a so-called daily series, it still forms a part of the overall story about what I am going through.

    There will always be more stories to tell, and be they fact or fiction, I aim to be around to tell them.

    In a way that is what the review segment really is as well, a story. I never claim to be and do not want to be seen as a critic, because ultimately whilst I will give my opinions on the topics I talk about, there are far more qualified people than me to give proper critique. 

    I still aim to provide information for people to make up their own minds, but ultimately what I am doing is telling the story of the experience whatever I am talking about gave to me – hence the esoteric range of topics from music, gaming, and whatever I had for lunch on a given day.

    Which, yes, does defeat the purpose of this being called the “Redundancy Review”, but “Jobless Journal” would make less sense considering I am in full-time work currently and “Severance Stories” makes even less sense when you take into account it was the entire company imploding and several other of my colleagues getting caught in the crossfire.

    Anyway, back on track.

    Initially I was struggling to come up with a review topic for today, but a sudden brainwave gave me the perfect topic for today, given that it is a cover of a very popular Vocaloid song that specifically changes the ending lyrics to be a bit more heartwarming than bleak compared to the original.

    The song in question is Rolling Girl, with this cover being by Lollia and RichaadEB specifically.

    Content warning ahead: I will be discussing both the cover and the original which cover very bleak themes of failure, depression, and suicide. Read ahead at your own discretion.

    This song has appeared on a previous Redundancy Review back on Day 28, but did not give it the level of coverage it deserves due to feeling a bit shit at the time. Time to make this right.

    For background information, Rolling Girl was released in 2010 and was composed by famed Vocaloid producer wowaka, who sadly passed away in 2019 from heart failure at the extremely young age of 31. Rest in peace dude, and know your art is still being appreciated a decade and a half later.

    When it comes to the main bits of lyrical analysis, I will be using Lollia’s cover since that is the version I want to focus on, however I will link a version of the original PV here and a link to the Vocaloid wiki with approved English lyrics here for people to get the full picture of what Rolling Girl is as a song, along with using those approved lyrics for comparison.

    There is a certain sense of hesitation I get talking about this song, due to the themes it contains and how I relate to them, so I will try my best to do it justice.

    At its core, Rolling Girl is a song about someone who is failing over & over again, with these repeated instances eating away at them until it becomes far too overwhelming:

    “All the noise

    Slicing layers in her heard

    Has her screaming away

    Has her screaming away”

    This is a feeling I can relate to a lot with the song, when my brain gets full of negativity it feels like a massive cloud of noise that just eats away at me inside, though it often gets to the point where I cannot say anything at all due loud everything is to me.

    Throughout the song there are instances, mostly during the chorus, where the protagonist (Miku/Lollia) is talking to a figure. It is during one of these instances where I want to highlight a difference in the approved English lyrics to Lollia’s lyrics and how her creative input makes the song far more devastating.

    In the original version, the first chorus ends with the lines:

    “‘How about now?’
    ‘Not yet, we still can’t see what’s ahead yet. Hold your breath now.’”

    I interpret this as Miku talking to an embodiment of her depression, though I cannot decide what exactly I think the topic at hand here is:

    • Is her depression asking her if she wants to end her life, and she wants to hold on because she does not yet know what is coming?
    • Is her depression asking her if she wants to carry on, but she is too far in her own mind to see what is ahead so cannot provide an answer?

    I personally lead towards the latter, as I feel the original Rolling Girl works better with its ending to look at the earlier parts in a more hopeful manner to give the finale even more impact, but we will get to that soon enough.

    Lollia’s version leaves very little to interpretation, but I love how brutal and raw these lyrics are:

    “‘Are you better now?’

    ‘No, I don’t know how!’

    What’s the point in living if pain’s never ending?

    Please just let me stop my breath right now.”

    Holy fuck the content warning was definitely needed. The first time I heard these lyrics with this cover I had to pause because they are so insanely hard-hitting for someone who has struggled with depression, but they show the creative power of interpreting Vocaloid songs into another language to give them even more impact. 

    There is very little room for interpretation here, and I absolutely love that.

    Going to skip ahead a bit, not only because I feel myself quivering a bit talking about these topics, but so I can get to the bit I truly want to talk about: the ending.

    This will start with me talking about the approved English lyrics version on the Vocaloid wiki:

    “’How about now?’

    ‘Just a little more, we should see something soon. Hold your breath, now.’

    One more time, one more time

    ‘I’ll roll along again today’

    The girl said, the girl said

    Breathing laughter into the words!

    ‘How about now? OK, you can look. You must be exhausted too, right?’

    Stop breathing, now.”

    When combined with the PV, the most common interpretation of these last lyrics are that Miku has finally decided to end it all, with her embodiment of her depression comforting her in her last moments, commenting that she must be exhausted from failing so often, and finally telling her to stop breathing. A tragic end to a song that has hope spots earlier on.

    But… Lollia’s cover takes a different approach, one that gives an initially tragic song a far more hopeful ending compared to the original, though starting off in a similar way:

    “‘Are you better now?’

    ‘No, I don’t know how!’

    Maybe one day you’ll see how well I’m improving

    Please just let me stop my breath”

    Before erupting into something beautiful:

    “Not now.

    Just once more, just once more

    I will roll again today, I know for sure

    Oh that girl said, what she said

    Playing every word and playing to pretend

    ‘Just once more?’

    ‘No, no more!’

    ‘Take my hand and come with me’

    ‘Tell me your story’

    ‘Please just let me hold your breath for now.’”

    Over four years later, the way this version of the song ends has stuck with me, and how it completely changes the interpretation of the figure the protagonist is talking to. In the original, it is an embodiment of depression, waiting for them to give up but also providing comfort to them in their final moments.

    In Lollia’s version, it very much seems to be a close friend, not wanting the protagonist to suffer any longer, but also refusing to let them go through with suicide. Letting them stop “rolling”/failing, and asking to be told their story, saying that they will hold their breath for now, a line that can be interpreted as this person wanting to keep their friend holding for as long as possible.

    Quick picture for the thumbnail, with the touching tribute to wowaka at the end of Lollia’s video serving nicely.

    And we come back round to how today’s edition started: stories.

    Everyone has a story, through highs and lows, through happiness and sadness, through joy and sorrow. Everyone’s story deserves to be heard, and I want to continue telling mine through the medium I have chosen, for as long as I can be allowed to.

    For anyone reading today’s edition, thank you.

    For anyone who has been a long time reader, thank you.

    For anyone who has only just discovered me, thank you.

    Thank you for being here.

    Thank you for continuing your story.

    And thank you for taking the time to read mine.

  • Redundancy Review: Day 78, “Better On The Inside, Better On The Outside”

    (for context on what this series is, please see my Day 1 post here: Redundancy Review: Day 1, “A New Beginning” – Rosalia’s Rambles)

    Good morning homebodies and wanderers, welcome to Day 78 of Rosalia Rambles Redundancy Review.

    So with me putting together a cosplay at almost the last minute given my initial plans fell through, what I am technically going through is my first experience of con crunch.

    I do not know how cosplayers can do this on the regular. My head is in near constant pain due to worrying about needing to put things together and the stress of having things continue to go wrong even up until today is really taking its toll on me – not to mention this is compounding on top of work and personal stress leaving me paranoid about a lot of different things.

    But I carry on, I persist.

    Part of the Redundancy Review is recording how I feel on a daily basis, sometimes through the lens of an annoyed rant, sometimes through rambling self reflection. Today we are going for the latter, talking about what I have decided to title the review today.

    When it comes to improving myself, I simultaneously want to be healthier in body and mind. Over the years I have put on a significant amount of weight due to various coping mechanisms I engaged with both previously and persisting in to today, with the usual reasoning of everything that happened during COVID not helping the situation either.

    To put it in more practical terms, since 2017 I have added on about 30cm/12 inches to my waistline. My goal with slimming my body back down is to fit in to my oldest cosplay, Junko Enoshima from Danganronpa, and that goal stays in my mind when it comes to losing weight, even though getting back down to that point would bring a multitude of other benefits – the only one in sight is being able to fit into old clothes once more.

    I had committed to Beat Saber as part of a workout routine, but that fell off once heatwaves had started setting in along with getting ill again, and I keep thinking about restarting, which will probably be a post-convention activity at this point.

    But when it comes to being better on the inside… that has been a long time journey, and I am not really any closer to figuring out how to be so. My awareness of my own mental health stretches over twelve plus years now, and whilst I can definitely say I am in a far better place today than I have been at any other points in my life; the challenges that define my mental health have also switched drastically during that time.

    Academics, friendships, transitioning, career changes: all of these have shifted what battles I fight on a daily basis, and being real for a moment… I do not think I am winning any of them right now.

    I carry on, I persist, but ultimately I feel as if I am drowning most days. 

    I have always had a difficult relationship with my depression, especially as someone who experiences, for all intents and purposes, a life of relative comfort. On paper I very rarely have reasons to be sad, and yet the sadness remains, feeding into my stress & paranoia to make me feel I am in danger of losing everything that keeps me together right now.

    My hard work does not feel like enough some days, constantly feeling as if the immense pressure is going to crush me at any moment and I will find myself in a dark place very quickly.

    I am terrified of being alone again, but some days I feel like I am closer to that pain than ever before. I know it is ultimately all inside my head, but for all the therapy, medication, and healing I have tried through this long journey of having a shit brain, sometimes the hardest part is leaving my head for a short while to see that things are not so bad.

    It might just be the last three months talking in all this, even though I have said I might finally feel like I am healing from the initial hit of redundancy a few weeks back. Maybe recovery is a lifelong journey for me, or maybe I will never truly be the same again, building upon scarred tissue a new life with the pain of the past still prominently present even today.

    Or maybe I am just tired, in desperate need of a break I cannot take.

    Regardless, I will be here. A record of my every day uploaded for the world to see, a slice of vulnerability in the landscape of cultivated profiles.

    …feels a bit weird to go in to a review about shoes after baring my heart out about self-improvement, but that is the way we roll around here.

    Specifically these shoes are New Rock M-WALL373-S11 platform boots. I bought these ages ago back in March specifically to act as part of my cosplay for my upcoming convention whilst also finally getting a real proper pair of stompers that were not from AliExpress.

    Sizing was the primary reason I decided to purchase from New Rock, as an extremely tall trans girl my feet are absolutely massive and were even classed as wide when picking up male shoes back in the day, meaning it is extraordinarily difficult to find cute & stylish shoes that fit me – so you could imagine my relief when I found that New Rock not only included my size, it went beyond my size too.

    The boots are extremely comfortable, having plenty of space around my toes to ensure nothing feels pinched when I am walking around. The platform itself feels extremely solid too, and the bolts embedded into the side walls of it give the perfect industrial gothic look that I was looking for.

    And in terms of high-quality footwear that fits my feet, the price point of New Rock was not actually that bad, being €257.62 or around £222, a reasonable price for larger than normal shoes and with such good design.

    However.

    I live in the UK, and if you have paid attention to any UK politics within the last decade then A. I am very sorry for your loss and B. Brexit is a thing, which meant that, as New Rock is a Spanish company, I had to pay import tax on these, adding a lovely £54.30 on to the bill.

    But hey, taking back control am I right?*

    *this statement is a joke, if you have not already guessed that my politics are extremely left-leaning then I am clearly not doing a good enough job here.

    Think that covers everything I wanted to talk about today, thank you for reading this confusingly honest edition of the Redundancy Review. I hope getting past hump day has been easy enough for you, and that the weekend is not too far away for you.

    For more information on New Rock products, visit their website here: https://www.newrock.com/en/ 

  • Redundancy ‘Review’: Day 69, “Nice”

    (for context on what this series is, please see my Day 1 post here: Redundancy Review: Day 1, “A New Beginning” – Rosalia’s Rambles)

    Good morning swingers and mixers, welcome to Day 69 (nice) of Rosalia Rambles Redundancy Review.

    Day 69 (nice).

    A milestone I was looking forward to for a while.

    Not because of any significance. This day holds no relevance to my redundancy journey, or even to my personal journey.

    But I have been writing semi-regularly enough to reach the fabled funny number: Day 69 (nice).

    Yes I am immature as fuck for revelling in this, but goddamn this is a small victory I am milking to hell.

    That and I did not sleep at all last night because it turns out when you have been withdrawn from caffeine for a while that going back on it means you end up staying up till three in the goddamn morning just thinking.

    Convention anxiety is also not helping me right now, though my partner was once again there to talk me down.

    It has been almost six years since my last convention, and I really want things to go well as this is also my first time entering the VTuber space in an offline capacity – having been adjacent to the space since 2021.

    Yeah… nah, not feeling writing a proper review today. My head is too foggy from lack of sleep, so I am just going to include the definition of “nice” as my thumbnail image.

    69 days… nice.

    Thank you for reading this brief edition of the Redundancy Review. Hopefully you got a bit more sleep than me and can beat the Monday blues off better than I can right now.

  • Redundancy Review: Day 43, “Still Here”

    Redundancy Review: Day 43, “Still Here”

    (for context on what this series is, please see my Day 1 post here: Redundancy Review: Day 1, “A New Beginning” – Rosalia’s Rambles)

    Good morning phantoms and spirits, welcome to Day 43 of Rosalia Rambles Redundancy Review.

    So the anxiety from yesterday has gone down, but in its place comes a resurgence of my depression – ended up needing a good cry over lunch in place of my usual walk to help things feel somewhat stable again.

    I am still here though, and honestly, that is one of the best things I can say in regards to my depression. Been suffering with it for over a decade at this point with me being able to definitively say that the worst of it is still behind me, even with everything that has gone on in the last few months.

    Transitioning helped ease a lot of the pain for sure, but also being able to do more things in my life that made me happy and building on the friendships I had let me move on from the moments in my past I am not massively proud of. I am thankful every day for the people who helped me through those days, whether I express it or not, because without them I would not have survived.

    But right now it feels like all I am doing is surviving, and not thriving. I mentioned yesterday that my position is “stable” right now, in terms of finances and continuation of my living situation, but at the same time, that stability feels like stagnation as well.

    In a way doing this contract role is me attempting to return to my comfort zone, that instead of soul-searching and feeling the pain of redundancy; I took the first opportunity out to return to some sense of normality. It provides continuity, but it does not entirely feel like I am satisfying the part of my brain that wants something new.

    I will persist though, at least for the time being. If I am smart with the pay this role is providing, my already robust safety net is built up further which would allow me to pursue potential projects that bring joy to my life, and embrace the lifestyle of an artist that I seem to crave on a spiritual level.

    Today’s review topic is actually one that has been requested of me by a friend. This is not a sponsored review as I paid out of pocket to review these two items, but Aaron, this one is for you. I am adding this to your tab of writing work you owe me for though.

    KFC have recently added two temporary items to their menu as part of a limited summer promotion: the Zinger Drip burger, and Zinger Drip wings, building on their “zinger” range of items that are supposed to be more spicy than usual. In my opinion the Zinger fillets have no real spice to them at all with the Supercharger sauce being what carries the heat, but the Zinger sauce is a new menu addition entirely.

    For this review I purchased a standalone Zinger Drip burger (without my usual addition of a hashbrown for “integrity”, I guess) and a portion of Zinger Drip wings which was a portion of three wings. Normally I would order a meal but my local KFC was out of Tango and there is no way in hell I am risking 7Up roulette.

    The items come in unique packaging as well, being a deep black with red accents to highlight the spicier than usual sauce the chicken comes in, though I have issues with the packaging the wings came in, along with the overall presentation of the wings themselves.

    Now, admittedly, I messed up the photo I took of the wings and it is out of focus – it still works for demonstrative purposes though as the sauce does not fully cover the wings here, in fact it kind of looks like the KFC staff member threw some hot wings into the box, poured the sauce over the top and called it a day rather than the wings getting tossed in the sauce.

    There is a way to improve this though without needing to add additional steps in my opinion: package the wings in a box similar to the burger box. This would allow the wings to be placed in the box comfortably, with the sauce poured over top giving decent coverage to the wings and forming a more even pool of sauce for the underside of the wing to soak up.

    The burger is pretty standard by all measures, it is a chicken fillet with lettuce and processed cheese in a surprisingly non-seeded bun. It hits the spot in all the right ways.

    But what of the headline addition? The all-new “Zinger” sauce that absolutely coats my burger in a way it does not for the wings? Well, I will tell you… it basically tastes like Buffalo wing sauce.

    It is equal measures sweet and spicy, and as someone who is a self-proclaimed spicehead, the sauce scratched my itch for the good stuff to a surprising degree. Long after I had finished my food and embarked on my walk home I could feel the tingle in my mouth, bringing a pleasant burn to my tongue that satisfied my synapses perfectly.

    The spiciness may catch some people off guard, I even had a hiccup escape partway through my burger due to it which very rarely happens to me – and I have had ghost pepper sauce before.

    In terms of price, the burger cost me £6.99 for a standalone burger with no fries, drink, or side, and the wings cost me £2.99. 

    For the burger, I think this is an acceptable price to pay and is in line with other KFC burgers, especially if you are craving something spicy but not wanting the glorious mess that is a Zinger Stacker.

    However, for the wings… no, I can not recommend them at that price point. Three Hot Wings on their own cost £1.99, so for a whole extra £1 you are paying for the same wings to have a spicy sauce haphazardly drizzled on top with most of it sinking to the bottom of the ill-designed packaging.

    That does it for the first requested Redundancy Review segment. Thank you for reading today, I hope you have an easy hump day and can find some relaxation wherever you find it.

  • Redundancy Review: Day 42, “Looming Anxiety”

    (for context on what this series is, please see my Day 1 post here: Redundancy Review: Day 1, “A New Beginning” – Rosalia’s Rambles)

    Good morning spectres and enigmas, welcome to Day 42 of Rosalia Rambles Redundancy Review.

    Six weeks huh? I would say this is the longest I have committed to writing something every day but we hit that point about five weeks ago. It still makes for good daily writing practice, and having somewhere I can keep my thoughts and feelings written down does help unfuck my brain a fair bit.

    Which is why today’s topic is: anxiety!

    Started off the week with a rant against the government, now I am talking about a debilitating mental health condition – this ramble train has no brakes baby!

    Due to ongoing roadworks outside my flat, I found it difficult to sleep in the late hours of night into the early hours of the morning, and during this time I felt a massive spike of anxiety within my system for seemingly no reason at all. What is even more confusing is the cause behind it.

    For some reason, I became incredibly worried about money and the viability of my current situation, which, on paper, makes logical sense. Money and upkeep are perfectly reasonable things to worry about at any given time.

    But, in the grand scheme of things, I am in a stable situation right now. I might be a contractor but I still have a form of regular income, my partner is in work for the foreseeable future, and as part of the whole redundancy process I reinforced my nest egg by a very healthy amount.

    That said, I am someone who just… worries a lot. I worry about my partner, I worry about my former colleagues, and I worry about my friends. It is in my blood to worry… possibly a residual side effect from how much caffeine I imbibe on the daily but that is neither here nor there.

    It will probably fade in time, and I at least have a weekend away to look forward to right now. Having some time away from home and a long coach ride to let my brain unwind should be fun, plus being in Glasgow is going to give me plenty of new topics to explore for Redundancy Reviews.

    Speaking of, it is Tuesday, which normally means I would be spotlighting something from the Hololive space of Vtubing… but given the events of last night given VShojo utterly imploding on itself, I am instead going to give the spotlight to Ironmouse, talking about a song she has covered in the past and highlighting her current fundraising drive with the Immune Deficiency Foundation.

    KING is a song by Vocaloid producer Kanaria, initially brought to life by Vocaloid GUMI but has since taken on a role of being a Vtuber right of passage almost to make a cover of it, with everyone adding their own unique vocal style and flair to make it their own.

    With Ironmouse though, she does not do anything by the half-measure, bringing on shirobeats and Sleeping Forest to make a beautiful rendition of the iconic beat mixed with Mouse’s vocal chops and giggles to make an almost addicting sound.

    As simple as the techniques used in editing are as well, they help provide an extra amount of impact on certain lines – from turning the screen greyscale to darkening it entirely outside of Mouse’s mesmerising glowing pink eyes.

    It is actually one of my favourite versions of KING due to these additional little details, and every person who works on this video deserves full credit for making it that way.

    Cheeky thumbnail picture incoming…

    And additionally, I am going to be providing a link to Ironmouse’s current campaign on Tiltify for the Immune Deficiency Foundation: https://tiltify.com/@ironmouse/ironmouse 

    VShojo have been revealed as completely fucking over their talents, and this is a small positive light in the wake of so much darkness coming out of their collapse.

    Thank you for reading today’s Redundancy Review, bit of a disjointed one as I wrote it in two different halves of the day, but it fits the bit. I hope you have an easy day and can find some relaxation whenever it comes along.

  • Redundancy Review: Day 40, “Sleeping In”

    (for context on what this series is, please see my Day 1 post here: Redundancy Review: Day 1, “A New Beginning” – Rosalia’s Rambles)

    Good morning sleepers and dreamers, welcome to Day 40 of Rosalia Rambles Redundancy Review.

    So what was an early start yesterday has been counteracted by waking up at quarter-past ten this morning. To be honest, not bad going for a lazy start on a Sunday, but I always feel bad sleeping in on days off when I am in work… yes I know that seems like an oxymoron but let me explain.

    When it comes to having days off when I am in work, either weekends or when I have booked leave, I want to get up early to try maximise the amount of time spent not working, and sleeping in feels like that time is not being utilised to do non-work things – even if sleeping in is a very good thing to recover from work-related stress.

    Ended up playing a lot of chilled out games yesterday to help relax, after a round of Helldivers 2 had so many issues that it made me not want to play it for the day, and I was surprised at how much I got into them. During my unemployment I gravitated towards higher stress games as my pastime of choice, but now that I am back in work I feel a connection to the chiller side of my library.

    Chill gaming does lead us nicely into the review topic for today, something I have been alluding to over the past couple days, which I have now concluded my testing on and so I can talk about it properly.

    For a bit of backstory, there used to be a CBD cafe in Shrewsbury that offered any range of standard coffees and milkshakes with the option to have a shot of CBD in them, alongside a range of specials that had a higher concentration of the good kush. For context, CBD is an extract of cannabis that aims to induce the relaxation effects of the drug without inducing a proper “high” in the user.

    It closed down a while back, and I had always been meaning to try out other options of taking in CBD, as it does wonders for my anxiety and extremely frequent stress headaches. 

    One night as I was just scrolling around, as is my wont, I decided to check out SupremeCBD and see what they had on offer – which led to me seeing they had an “Ultimate Starter Pack” available for £70 which included a jar of CBD gummies and a bottle of CBD oil. Being the amazing deal that it was, I clicked order and in two days time, I had the product in my hands.

    I knew I wanted to review it from the moment I got it, but for something like this I also knew that experimentation would be needed to see the effects on me. So for weekdays I decided to imbibe two gummies alongside my morning medication with the plan to take a higher dose on the weekend.

    The gummies themselves are… passable. As a connoisseur of gelatinous fruit sweets myself, these ones are alright but nothing spectacular. They are vegan though, due to the binding agent being pectin rather than gelatin, a nice plus to make them more accessible but at the cost of being not very chewy.

    My weekday dose helped out a fair bit, keeping my stress headaches in check whilst letting me feel a bit more relaxed at my situation. In hindsight I should have taken some extra on Friday due to a very stressful situation cropping up that made me rather wired, but now I know for the future.

    But then the weekend came around. And I decided to take the maximum recommended dose of four gummies which comes to approximately 68mg of CBD – not spread out across a short time either, all in one go.

    The amount of zen and relaxation I experienced afterwards was not only something I had never felt before, but it was even audible in my voice to my friends as we jumped on a call to play Settlers of Catan. For the entire game I was relaxed as hell and every bit of my competitive instinct had vanished, not feeling annoyance at when my road got cut off and just enjoying being silly in the game.

    It was a transcendent experience in a way, I had no idea I could feel that relaxed, and now knowing that I have the tools to be able to experience something like that on demand; my weekends are going to be far more chilled out than they have ever been.

    Next up, I am going to be mixing the oil into a milkshake to see if I can get a similar effect to the gummies. Will report back with a follow-up review when I finally get around to that.

    But that covers everything for today, thank you for reading this Redundancy Review about relaxation. I hope you can enjoy the rest of your Sunday and that the looming spectre of Monday does not bring down your mood too much.

    For more information on SupremeCBD’s products, visit their website here: https://supremecbd.uk/ 

  • Redundancy Review: Day 35, “Chasing Ghosts”

    (for context on what this series is, please see my Day 1 post here: Redundancy Review: Day 1, “A New Beginning” – Rosalia’s Rambles)

    Good morning spirits and geists, welcome to Day 35 of Rosalia Rambles Redundancy Review.

    It was a fairly standard work day for me yesterday, got onboarded, started breaking things as is my want, and started to fight with the HMRC Self-Employment registration form which will probably also form a good chunk of my work today in between breaking things, needing to be set up as a sole trader in order to report my income.

    I can not tell if what I am suffering from right now is impostor syndrome or not. My brain tends to be a catastrophising one anyway so I need to give myself time to settle down into a routine, but part of me feels almost inappropriate where I am right now. 

    My heart still lies with my art, and whilst I feel comfortable viewing working in tech as a means to an end, there is definitely some part of me that feels that I should have left this life behind and kept walking in my own direction. I was not making any money in that direction but I felt a peace I had not experienced for a long time as I found my redundant rhythm.

    Admittedly, I did avoid doing some soul searching after I had been made redundant, choosing to focus on enjoying myself rather than thinking about what I want to do moving forward – which helped start to remedy my burnout, but did not end up addressing the root cause.

    If we consider my degree, the last eight years of my life have been in some form of hands-on role in the tech industry. I abandoned the idea of becoming a game developer shortly after my degree finished as I realised far too late that programming did not bring me any tangible joy, which led me into my current path as a QA where I have been for four years now.

    And there is no denying I am good at what I do. Even if I have moments of panic some days and have some fumbles, I am a bug finding machine with the ability to write clear & concise reports with appropriate supporting evidence…

    …I am just not sure I want to be that person anymore.

    Stay tuned as I slowly try to unfuck my brain over the course of the coming weeks, but in the meantime, time for the review – and it is Tuesday with me feeling a lot better, so it is time to review the Hololive song review!

    IRyS is a HololiveEN member initially debuting in July 2021 as part of a ‘group’ known as “Project: HOPE” before eventually joining the reformed Promise unit as their fifth member, having always been adopted by previous Council members for the purposes of collabs anyway.

    Project: HOPE initially started as a music-focused group and even after becoming a member of Promise IRyS has continued to focus on making incredibly good music across a range of genres, though one I find myself returning to often is the focus today: Gravity.

    A sombre song that speaks to me as someone who has had several experiences with depression, anxiety, and figuring out my identity, ones that persist to this day if my initial ramble is anything to go by.

    The lyrics give me the impression of what it feels like to be stuck in a rut as well, with the second verse really standing out to me:

    “Aim, somewhere along I lost my aim

    Thoughtlessly counting up my days

    I don’t know, I don’t know, it’s really tough to say

    I’ll probably be stuck here anyway”

    Ruts can often feel comfortable, and even if you are aware of the fact you have found yourself in one, it can feel almost impossible to pull out of it. But what overpowers both ruts and the theming of ruts in the song is that no one is truly alone – especially not in feeling stuck, with the bridge before the final chorus going:

    “Bet somebody’s out there, just like me

    Feeling all the same things

    I don’t know what I should do

    At least, though, you’re like this too

    I’ve found a bit of comfort”

    With the way the world is right now, with everyone going through degrees of their own shit, finding comfort in each other can be the difference between surviving and thriving, even when circumstances are not ideal.

    Also, obligatory screen grab for the thumbnail

    That covers everything for today, thank you for reading today’s Redundancy Review. You are not alone, there are those around you who can help, and the world is a better place with you in it.