Rosalia Rambles

Tag: english

  • Redundancy Review: Day 100, “Stories”

    (for context on what this series is, please see my Day 1 post here: Redundancy Review: Day 1, “A New Beginning” – Rosalia Rambles)

    Good morning playwrights and screenwriters, welcome to… Day 100, of Rosalia Rambles Redundancy Review.

    There have been a lot of milestones on this journey, from marking months past the inciting incident, and to celebrating Day 69 the only way I knew how (immaturity), but Day 100 feels incredibly significant to me.

    It is difficult to consider how much my life has changed in the hundred days since I was first made redundant, and honestly, I have the Redundancy Review to thank for giving me a timeline to work from because otherwise I would not have kept track of how much time had actually passed, as it feels recent and distant simultaneously.

    But for all the hardship, all the good times, and the self-doubt that continues to pervade my system every day… I am still here. The story has not yet ended.

    And I want to dedicate today’s Redundancy Review to that topic: stories. It is a word I consistently use on this blog, with “storyteller” being my preferred title to describe what I want to do in life.

    Even if the current form of my passion for writing came to me later in life, I have always had a fascination with stories. To my best memory (curse you depression and neurodivergence causing me to forget things), I was always a kid who liked immersing myself in stories, either real or made-up. I remember enjoying creative writing assignments more than most, and even if I was not the best at literature analysis; discovering the story within a piece of writing fascinated me.

    Stories are an essential part of human existence – millions are generated every day by people around the world, whether they realise it or not. A lived experience will one day become a story you tell to others, the hardship of today will eventually become something you laugh about in the future, and the missteps you make now form their way into a cautionary tale for the future.

    This is the core of the Redundancy Review, the story of one girl trying to navigate her way through an ever-changing world whilst she grapples with her own life being disrupted drastically. Even if the schedule slips and I end up missing out a couple days of a so-called daily series, it still forms a part of the overall story about what I am going through.

    There will always be more stories to tell, and be they fact or fiction, I aim to be around to tell them.

    In a way that is what the review segment really is as well, a story. I never claim to be and do not want to be seen as a critic, because ultimately whilst I will give my opinions on the topics I talk about, there are far more qualified people than me to give proper critique. 

    I still aim to provide information for people to make up their own minds, but ultimately what I am doing is telling the story of the experience whatever I am talking about gave to me – hence the esoteric range of topics from music, gaming, and whatever I had for lunch on a given day.

    Which, yes, does defeat the purpose of this being called the “Redundancy Review”, but “Jobless Journal” would make less sense considering I am in full-time work currently and “Severance Stories” makes even less sense when you take into account it was the entire company imploding and several other of my colleagues getting caught in the crossfire.

    Anyway, back on track.

    Initially I was struggling to come up with a review topic for today, but a sudden brainwave gave me the perfect topic for today, given that it is a cover of a very popular Vocaloid song that specifically changes the ending lyrics to be a bit more heartwarming than bleak compared to the original.

    The song in question is Rolling Girl, with this cover being by Lollia and RichaadEB specifically.

    Content warning ahead: I will be discussing both the cover and the original which cover very bleak themes of failure, depression, and suicide. Read ahead at your own discretion.

    This song has appeared on a previous Redundancy Review back on Day 28, but did not give it the level of coverage it deserves due to feeling a bit shit at the time. Time to make this right.

    For background information, Rolling Girl was released in 2010 and was composed by famed Vocaloid producer wowaka, who sadly passed away in 2019 from heart failure at the extremely young age of 31. Rest in peace dude, and know your art is still being appreciated a decade and a half later.

    When it comes to the main bits of lyrical analysis, I will be using Lollia’s cover since that is the version I want to focus on, however I will link a version of the original PV here and a link to the Vocaloid wiki with approved English lyrics here for people to get the full picture of what Rolling Girl is as a song, along with using those approved lyrics for comparison.

    There is a certain sense of hesitation I get talking about this song, due to the themes it contains and how I relate to them, so I will try my best to do it justice.

    At its core, Rolling Girl is a song about someone who is failing over & over again, with these repeated instances eating away at them until it becomes far too overwhelming:

    “All the noise

    Slicing layers in her heard

    Has her screaming away

    Has her screaming away”

    This is a feeling I can relate to a lot with the song, when my brain gets full of negativity it feels like a massive cloud of noise that just eats away at me inside, though it often gets to the point where I cannot say anything at all due loud everything is to me.

    Throughout the song there are instances, mostly during the chorus, where the protagonist (Miku/Lollia) is talking to a figure. It is during one of these instances where I want to highlight a difference in the approved English lyrics to Lollia’s lyrics and how her creative input makes the song far more devastating.

    In the original version, the first chorus ends with the lines:

    “‘How about now?’
    ‘Not yet, we still can’t see what’s ahead yet. Hold your breath now.’”

    I interpret this as Miku talking to an embodiment of her depression, though I cannot decide what exactly I think the topic at hand here is:

    • Is her depression asking her if she wants to end her life, and she wants to hold on because she does not yet know what is coming?
    • Is her depression asking her if she wants to carry on, but she is too far in her own mind to see what is ahead so cannot provide an answer?

    I personally lead towards the latter, as I feel the original Rolling Girl works better with its ending to look at the earlier parts in a more hopeful manner to give the finale even more impact, but we will get to that soon enough.

    Lollia’s version leaves very little to interpretation, but I love how brutal and raw these lyrics are:

    “‘Are you better now?’

    ‘No, I don’t know how!’

    What’s the point in living if pain’s never ending?

    Please just let me stop my breath right now.”

    Holy fuck the content warning was definitely needed. The first time I heard these lyrics with this cover I had to pause because they are so insanely hard-hitting for someone who has struggled with depression, but they show the creative power of interpreting Vocaloid songs into another language to give them even more impact. 

    There is very little room for interpretation here, and I absolutely love that.

    Going to skip ahead a bit, not only because I feel myself quivering a bit talking about these topics, but so I can get to the bit I truly want to talk about: the ending.

    This will start with me talking about the approved English lyrics version on the Vocaloid wiki:

    “’How about now?’

    ‘Just a little more, we should see something soon. Hold your breath, now.’

    One more time, one more time

    ‘I’ll roll along again today’

    The girl said, the girl said

    Breathing laughter into the words!

    ‘How about now? OK, you can look. You must be exhausted too, right?’

    Stop breathing, now.”

    When combined with the PV, the most common interpretation of these last lyrics are that Miku has finally decided to end it all, with her embodiment of her depression comforting her in her last moments, commenting that she must be exhausted from failing so often, and finally telling her to stop breathing. A tragic end to a song that has hope spots earlier on.

    But… Lollia’s cover takes a different approach, one that gives an initially tragic song a far more hopeful ending compared to the original, though starting off in a similar way:

    “‘Are you better now?’

    ‘No, I don’t know how!’

    Maybe one day you’ll see how well I’m improving

    Please just let me stop my breath”

    Before erupting into something beautiful:

    “Not now.

    Just once more, just once more

    I will roll again today, I know for sure

    Oh that girl said, what she said

    Playing every word and playing to pretend

    ‘Just once more?’

    ‘No, no more!’

    ‘Take my hand and come with me’

    ‘Tell me your story’

    ‘Please just let me hold your breath for now.’”

    Over four years later, the way this version of the song ends has stuck with me, and how it completely changes the interpretation of the figure the protagonist is talking to. In the original, it is an embodiment of depression, waiting for them to give up but also providing comfort to them in their final moments.

    In Lollia’s version, it very much seems to be a close friend, not wanting the protagonist to suffer any longer, but also refusing to let them go through with suicide. Letting them stop “rolling”/failing, and asking to be told their story, saying that they will hold their breath for now, a line that can be interpreted as this person wanting to keep their friend holding for as long as possible.

    Quick picture for the thumbnail, with the touching tribute to wowaka at the end of Lollia’s video serving nicely.

    And we come back round to how today’s edition started: stories.

    Everyone has a story, through highs and lows, through happiness and sadness, through joy and sorrow. Everyone’s story deserves to be heard, and I want to continue telling mine through the medium I have chosen, for as long as I can be allowed to.

    For anyone reading today’s edition, thank you.

    For anyone who has been a long time reader, thank you.

    For anyone who has only just discovered me, thank you.

    Thank you for being here.

    Thank you for continuing your story.

    And thank you for taking the time to read mine.

  • Redundancy Review: Day 91, “Post-Con Depression”

    (for context on what this series is, please see my Day 1 post here: Redundancy Review: Day 1, “A New Beginning” – Rosalia’s Rambles)

    Good morning axolotls and mudpuppies, welcome to Day 91 of Rosalia Rambles Redundancy Review.

    With my writeup done yesterday and now fully situated back at home… yeah, the post-con depression is starting to creep in. VExpo was possibly the full highlight of my year despite all of the complications leading up to it in regards to cosplay and some of the organisational slip ups the convention itself had, and now to be back to normality is… kind of rough feeling.

    A lot of people read my writeup yesterday too, which is really sweet to see. I want to try use that positive energy VExpo gave me to keep trying to improve myself, because now I have truly had a taste of life on the outside again and god fucking damnit if I do not want more experiences like that.

    Which y’know, is kind of the right energy to take away from something like this, and part of my logic is that I am pretty much exhausted every weekend anyway, so why not just be exhausted at a convention? Especially with the fact I want to turn the red dress I wore on the Saturday of VExpo into carrying even more plushies to make it almost like an ita dress but full of plushies instead.

    Helps to keep track of them too, since they are pretty much always facing front I do not have to worry too much about someone coming up to try swipe one – though I should probably invest in a decent carry bag anyway if I want to carry any larger ones around on show.

    The next potential event I could go to is London or Birmingham MCM, my usual old convention haunts from the before times (meaning pre-COVID), with London being near the end of October, and Birmingham being at the end of November. Both of them are pretty tempting options even though I do not really gel with the structure of MCM-style conventions in the UK, though, there is still one prevailing issue…

    Funds.

    Whilst I am currently in relatively stable work, I know at any moment I could be back to being in the shit once more and that makes me a little risk averse when it comes to making big ventures out, especially to events that I do not feel 100% on.

    It is also a balancing act, cause I would love to go to more events, but I also want to go to those events in cosplay, and support artists, and treat them like holidays, but doing all of those things on top of event and travel expenses make the margins tight, especially in my current position.

    So what does this mean?

    Need to work harder obviously.

    Falling into complacency was something I did a lot prior to my redundancy, of accepting my status quo and struggling to change. For the sake of my future security and to get the ability to go to more events, I cannot allow myself to fall back into that.

    And if you agree with that you should consider hiring me for some writing work!

    (god that was cheesy as fuck)

    But genuinely, I am proving myself with writing every day. My VExpo writeup was near 7000 words done in approximately four hours with images, social media linking, and detailed back research on social channels to make sure all my information was correct.

    I want to write.

    I want to earn my way through writing.

    And I want to write my story across multiple events for the foreseeable future, or until my body finally gives up the ghost.

    With that call to action done, time to head into the review segment, and well… it feels kind of weird to do a Hololive Tuesday right after doing a giant convention write up, but I think this will be a good opportunity to highlight some of the artists I bought from over the weekend, starting with Mercury Designs with this gorgeous Nerissa Ravencraft acrylic standee.

    For brief VTuber context, Nerissa Ravencroft is a part of Hololive English Generation 3 “Advent”, which is my all time favourite group of virtual people – and being honest, initially I was not all that interested in Nerissa as a talent, especially when looking at the other members of Advent.

    But over time, her streams and actions slowly started carving a place in my heart for her, to the point now where I have considered cosplaying both of her outfits at one point in time, partially because it is a character where my actual height would lend to it extremely well.

    Anyway, back on track with the art.

    When I was browsing the VExpo art catalogue they posted, Mercury Designs was one that caught my eye, though it was actually for a Cecilia Immergreen standee than anything else, and during one of my artist alley walks I remember seeing it and having something click in my brain like “Oh yeah I was supposed to check these guys out”.

    And whilst the Cecilia caught my eye once more, something about the composition of the Nerissa standee just looks so elegant, with the back piece of acrylic giving it an almost magical look to it. For £25 as well it is a solid price to support a small artist, and this is not including the fact I walked away with two A5 prints and a bunch of stickers from them too.

    A shorter review than yesterday, but, I do not think anything will top yesterday for a long while. Thank you for reading this edition of the Redundancy Review, wherever you are I hope you are able to take things easy today. I am going to continue letting my legs recover from VExpo.

    For more information on Mercury Designs and to purchase from their shop, visit the link here: Mercury Designs UK – Shop

  • Redundancy ‘Review’: Day 84, “Accepting Defeat”

    (for context on what this series is, please see my Day 1 post here: Redundancy Review: Day 1, “A New Beginning” – Rosalia’s Rambles)

    Good morning wounded and weary, welcome to Day 84 of Rosalia Rambles Redundancy Review.

    So, after much stress, deliberation, stress, sleeplessness, stress, panic, stress, rushing, and stress… I have decided to abandon cosplaying at my upcoming convention.

    It hurts to reach this conclusion, especially after looking forward to it for so long, but after having a rough night last night where everything started piling up on top of me at once and trying to do some last minute plans/adjustments today, the notion all became a bit much for me, and considering the stressful year I have had up to this point, I want to go into my convention weekend with as few worries as possible.

    Which sucks to come to the conclusion to, but given my body gets very close to giving up movement entirely once my stress levels reach a certain point, this is the right decision as much as I would normally keep fighting.

    And being completely honest, I am hurt. Things got derailed so massively in planning this aspect of my convention holiday that keeping everything on track in addition to doing my day-to-day responsibilities just became overwhelming, and with two days to go, the stress is not worth it now.

    A positive aspect I can at least consider now is having more time to plan out a proper approach to cosplay, taking my time with things more to have it all ready for next year’s convention… a weird thing to think about, not used to thinking that far in the future currently.

    I genuinely feel like I am one more disaster away from having a complete breakdown, which, is… fun to think about.

    But I have to keep going.

    I still have things I want to live for.

    So even if it hurts right now, I will try to keep moving.

    …feels a bit weird to do what I was planning for my review segment, but, it is Hololive Tuesday, and I want to at least talk a bit more about what my plan was for the convention, so, here is the reference sheet of one Shiori Novella of Hololive English Advent.

    If it is not already clear from the amount of times I have reviewed something Advent related for Hololive Tuesday and ended it off with calling Shiori beautiful, or stunning, or various complimentary adjectives: I love Shiori Novella so much. She is one of my many oshi, possibly in contention for being my kamioshi.

    As a goth myself, I fell in love with her design ever since it was revealed, absolutely loving her dress, her hair, and her big ass jacket. But, after she debuted and started talking on stream, her honesty & realness really resonated with one early clip in particular standing out for me:

    What people see of Shiori from the outside is usually someone who says something silly or off-the-cuff, leading to silly or lewd moments with others, but when you dig deeper on her, you realise this is a person who is not afraid to show their emotions, to be excited to share stuff with people and to be open in the harder times.

    As someone who writes daily about how they are feeling and trying to maintain honesty as I do so, Shiori’s personality resonates with me a lot, which is why I wanted to cosplay her.

    Additionally, her outfit always looked like something that could look reasonably okay out on the street, compared to other Hololive outfits – especially the jacket. If I were able to get a high enough quality one as part of a cosplay commission that was made out of a sturdy fabric, I genuinely feel I would use it as an everyday jacket during the winter.

    Plus, being fully upfront, I genuinely have considered getting my hair cut in a similar style to hers. Not matching the dye because that would be way too much to maintain on my own, but just matching the cut and seeing how it feels on me.

    Anyway, that is enough silly VTuber ramblings for the day. I am very tired, and kind of just want to curl up now.

    Thank you for reading the Redundancy Review all the same. I hope you are having the best day you can.

    For more information on Shiori Novella, visit her Youtube channel here: https://www.youtube.com/@ShioriNovella 

  • Redundancy Review: Day 56, “Not a Morning Person”

    Redundancy Review: Day 56, “Not a Morning Person”

    (for context on what this series is, please see my Day 1 post here: Redundancy Review: Day 1, “A New Beginning” – Rosalia’s Rambles)

    Good morning cockerels and dewdrops, welcome to Day 56 of Rosalia Rambles Redundancy Review.

    So, I tend to start work at eight in the morning. Usually meaning that I wake up around half seven to get myself ready in time, being a remote worker and all has its benefits in that regard. I tried to mimic this pattern after my redundancy as well, waking up the same time and trying to get to work.

    You might think “wow, that is one hell of a morning person attitude”, and you would be right.

    Except I am not a morning person. Not in the slightest.

    I am forcing myself to be one though.

    It comes from the fact each job I have had has been remote, meaning I have flexibility to set my own working hours so long as I complete the required amount of hours each day. When I first started out I mainly used this flexibility to sleep in some days, before having the realisation: starting at the earliest point my contract allows means I finish the day earlier as well.

    From that point on I have kept the same habit for over four years at this point. I start work at eight in the morning, I finish at half four in the afternoon with me very rarely staying past this point as well unless it was mandated for whatever reason.

    When it was just my day job that had this routine, it worked out fine enough – especially when I still lived at my parent’s place and had way fewer responsibilities than I do now. However now I am balancing my contract role, my daily writing practice in the form of the review, cooking meals, and finding time to relax, so, it gets hard to keep up with it all sometimes.

    Weird thing to say when I am coming up on two months worth of doing this almost every day, but hopefully you get what I mean.

    This is also why I am such a caffeine fiend, a caffiend if you will. One way to make up the energy deficit between the time I wake up and the time I really should be waking up is the love found in the bottom of a cup of coffee… or a bottle of Lucozade… or a can of Relentless when I really need to get stuff done.

    Speaking of getting stuff done, I should really do a proper review, and today I am extremely thankful for it being Hololive Tuesday because Advent dropped a shit tonne of announcements as I slept that gives me plenty to discuss – from a 3D live concert for their second anniversary to the subject of today’s review, the first of five original songs that build upon the pre-established lore of Advent.

    “Genesis” tells the story of Advent before they are placed into the prison that formed the background for their debut lore, exploring the chaos and mayhem all five members got up to. It is an incredibly funky beat, which is not incredibly surprising given all of Advent’s originals and covers all complement their voices perfectly.

    True to their form as a group of convicts, this song embodies the themes of freedom that are common among Advent’s originals, with one of the opening lyrics being:

    “I knew I was meant to be,

    Livin’ life so fast and free”

    The first verse is also packed with references to Advent’s lore, with Shiori (my fave) getting the lyric:

    “I have awakened to wisdom beyond my understanding”

    Playing into her role as the Archiver of Advent, collecting forbidden knowledge that would lead to her imprisonment, followed by Bijou coming in shortly after with:

    “Don’t blame me if I shine too bright

    Can’t help it if I start a fight”

    Which ties into her lore as the Jewel of Emotions, being so radiant and beautiful that humanity would wage war in order to keep possession of her.

    One small detail that I like in the music video as well is the attention to continuity about the background of Nerissa. In all of her current models she has her her-right our-left horn shattered, restricting the power of her demonic might, but this video canonically takes place before Advent’s imprisonment, and so:

    She is portrayed for the first time with both horns intact, which is an incredibly cool thing to highlight.

    The themes of freedom and enjoying yourself come back in full force for the bridge before the final chorus, with each member getting their chance to contribute:

    “Let your worries go

    Gonna show you how to lose control, ready?

    You’ve got to free your mind

    Leave your restraint behind

    Be outrageous

    The chaos is contagious

    Come on, you know what time it is!

    It’s our genesis!”

    …I know I should not be reading trans allegory into this but… I just have to, it is what I am best at. This bridge speaks to me on such a personal level as someone who has had to go through a lot in terms of trying to find myself and find a style I am comfortable in, and in a strange way, Hololive has helped with that.

    The girls often talk about reaching for dreams together and working hard to get where they want to do, something I often find inspiration in because if they are able to overcome their own hardships; I definitely should be able to as well.

    To transition is to leave behind who you were before, and become the person you want to be, free from the reins of societal pressure to live out your truth, and Advent’s themes of found family & freedom have always spoken to me in that regard.

    Plus, I have to shout out how insane it is for their second anniversary they have decided to go “yeah we are releasing five original songs in the leadup to our 3D anniversary concert”. The dedication and passion on show is insane, and I am very much looking forward to seeing the conclusion of this project.

    And now, time for the obligatory thing I have to do whenever I talk about Advent…

    …she is so pretty oh my god I love her vibe so much.

    That does it all for today, felt good to actually write a proper review again… even if it took close to seven hours to actually finish off and put out there. I hope wherever you are you can have a relaxing day and things do not bring you down too much. Thank you for reading.