Rosalia Rambles

Tag: mental-health

  • Redundancy ‘Review’: Day 84, “Accepting Defeat”

    (for context on what this series is, please see my Day 1 post here: Redundancy Review: Day 1, “A New Beginning” – Rosalia’s Rambles)

    Good morning wounded and weary, welcome to Day 84 of Rosalia Rambles Redundancy Review.

    So, after much stress, deliberation, stress, sleeplessness, stress, panic, stress, rushing, and stress… I have decided to abandon cosplaying at my upcoming convention.

    It hurts to reach this conclusion, especially after looking forward to it for so long, but after having a rough night last night where everything started piling up on top of me at once and trying to do some last minute plans/adjustments today, the notion all became a bit much for me, and considering the stressful year I have had up to this point, I want to go into my convention weekend with as few worries as possible.

    Which sucks to come to the conclusion to, but given my body gets very close to giving up movement entirely once my stress levels reach a certain point, this is the right decision as much as I would normally keep fighting.

    And being completely honest, I am hurt. Things got derailed so massively in planning this aspect of my convention holiday that keeping everything on track in addition to doing my day-to-day responsibilities just became overwhelming, and with two days to go, the stress is not worth it now.

    A positive aspect I can at least consider now is having more time to plan out a proper approach to cosplay, taking my time with things more to have it all ready for next year’s convention… a weird thing to think about, not used to thinking that far in the future currently.

    I genuinely feel like I am one more disaster away from having a complete breakdown, which, is… fun to think about.

    But I have to keep going.

    I still have things I want to live for.

    So even if it hurts right now, I will try to keep moving.

    …feels a bit weird to do what I was planning for my review segment, but, it is Hololive Tuesday, and I want to at least talk a bit more about what my plan was for the convention, so, here is the reference sheet of one Shiori Novella of Hololive English Advent.

    If it is not already clear from the amount of times I have reviewed something Advent related for Hololive Tuesday and ended it off with calling Shiori beautiful, or stunning, or various complimentary adjectives: I love Shiori Novella so much. She is one of my many oshi, possibly in contention for being my kamioshi.

    As a goth myself, I fell in love with her design ever since it was revealed, absolutely loving her dress, her hair, and her big ass jacket. But, after she debuted and started talking on stream, her honesty & realness really resonated with one early clip in particular standing out for me:

    What people see of Shiori from the outside is usually someone who says something silly or off-the-cuff, leading to silly or lewd moments with others, but when you dig deeper on her, you realise this is a person who is not afraid to show their emotions, to be excited to share stuff with people and to be open in the harder times.

    As someone who writes daily about how they are feeling and trying to maintain honesty as I do so, Shiori’s personality resonates with me a lot, which is why I wanted to cosplay her.

    Additionally, her outfit always looked like something that could look reasonably okay out on the street, compared to other Hololive outfits – especially the jacket. If I were able to get a high enough quality one as part of a cosplay commission that was made out of a sturdy fabric, I genuinely feel I would use it as an everyday jacket during the winter.

    Plus, being fully upfront, I genuinely have considered getting my hair cut in a similar style to hers. Not matching the dye because that would be way too much to maintain on my own, but just matching the cut and seeing how it feels on me.

    Anyway, that is enough silly VTuber ramblings for the day. I am very tired, and kind of just want to curl up now.

    Thank you for reading the Redundancy Review all the same. I hope you are having the best day you can.

    For more information on Shiori Novella, visit her Youtube channel here: https://www.youtube.com/@ShioriNovella 

  • Redundancy Review: Day 83, “Bitterness, Honesty, & Ambition”

    (for context on what this series is, please see my Day 1 post here: Redundancy Review: Day 1, “A New Beginning” – Rosalia’s Rambles)

    Good morning seamstresses and crafters, welcome to Day 83 of Rosalia Rambles Redundancy Review.

    It is now six days before my convention and I am most definitely starting to panic and feel the stress holy shit. Was doing some try-ons of the improvised cosplay I am intending to wear and there is definitely still some stuff needing to be adjusted/ironed out for it to be worthwhile, and this is not including all of the other logistical details also needing to be sorted out before we leave on Thursday afternoon.

    Of course all this stress would be moderately reduced if my actual costume plans had come together… and of course I would also be less stressed if I had not had to spend a lot of my time fighting government agencies for money in the wake of my redundancy instead of costume planning but life goes on.

    All of this comes with the thoughts of what it might be like next year to try do this same convention again, and try to reattempt what was meant to happen this year, which leads on to the thought: where the hell am I going to be this time next year?

    My partner and I were talking about how the improvised plan is still not going to be perfect, with him specifically worrying about “it not going right”, to which my very blunt response was:

    “A lot of things have not gone right this year.”

    If you asked the Rosa of March this year about how she felt her year was going to go, she would respond with cautious optimism. She would recognise that the company she worked at was going through some hard times but she had faith in upper management of navigating these issues, and that whilst things might seem hairy, she at least had job security for the remainder of the year.

    And now?

    Well, I am certainly a different person, although I find the words to describe who I am now oddly difficult.

    Part of me wants to call myself a more “bitter” person now, that my redundancy hardened my heart and fully disillusioned me from any corporate structure giving me true fulfillment, even if holding that belief was a fool’s errand to begin with. 

    Another part wants to call myself a more “honest” person, that I have a better read of situations within the industry I exist in and I, however begrudgingly it may be, understand that my position within this industry has now changed, demanding that my approach change with it.

    There could also be an argument made for a part of myself that considers myself a more “ambitious” person now. Before my redundancy was made official I had struggled to write consistently for over a year, instead choosing to push one of my purest passions to the side in favour of navigating through my new life circumstances – something I do not feel I can be faulted for. 

    But now I find myself trying to write every day, with a varied success rate, and exploring new ideas for making my way in this world, desiring to learn something new every day or trying new things and attempting to persevere through my mind telling me I am not good enough. 

    Even if my creative ventures continue to be nothing more than thoughts inside my head, I want to be proud of the fact I have committed to practicing writing every day in one form or another. The Redundancy Review is my living journal through which I build my skills up every day, no matter the weird topics I tackle or the intense emotions I put on show for all to see.

    If anything I write appeals to you, please get in touch. I continue to be available for freelance writing work on top of freelance QA work and I would love to learn more while making your project the best it can be.

    In the meantime though, I need to review something, otherwise the title suddenly makes very little sense, and I think it is time that a little bit of my tech industry background starts to show itself.

    So, am I talking about a piece of work software? Perhaps talking about one of the virtual reality headsets I use on a daily basis? Maybe it is even my work peripherals I want to talk about?

    Surprise!

    It is none of them.

    Instead, we are talking about the all-in-one meal replacement in a bottle: Huel.

    Huel, a portmanteau of the words “human” and “fuel” which shows how techbro this stuff really is, is a brand of meal replacement powders, dehydrated meals, and the subject of today’s review, the ready-to-drink meal. Specifically the Black Edition because that is the one my local Tesco had in stock.

    Initially, I tried Huel on a whim near the start of March having found it next to the milk in my local Tesco. I had some familiarity of what it was but had never considered trying it before that point.

    It is… weird to describe. Due to the fact Huel is entirely plant based with the Black Edition specifically having a base of water and coconut milk powder, it has the consistency of very thin porridge but with a chocolate flavour. Thankfully the coconut flavour is not all that pronounced which is good because I cannot stand the taste of coconut.

    On the surface, Huel is described as “nutritionally complete food”, with the headlines on the bottle reading:

    • 35g protein
    • 26 essential vitamins & minerals
    • 7g dietary fibre
    • Slow-release carbs
    • And Omega-3 and Omega-6

    Back in April I actually pursued using Huel as a weight loss aid, replacing my lunch with it specifically. The logic behind this was trying to make my calorie intake over lunch more consistent as I frequently had indulgent lunches that would hit between 800-1000 calories, this is not to mention that a single bottle of Huel (on average) still has less calories than a supermarket meal deal sandwich.

    It was a tough time, especially as my body had to grow used to so few calories before dinner, but for a time I did feel healthier… until the redundancy hit and I stopped as a cost saving measure.

    Now I view Huel as mainly an emergency/convenience item more than anything else. The two bottles I have pictured are coming with me to my convention as having something to carry around in the back to have as a “meal” if the schedule is as busy as I anticipate it being, leaving me little time to actually sit down and eat.

    In terms of convenience though, Huel is a great option for the days when my brain is just too overwhelmed to make decisions, which is what I see as the best personal excuse to do a meal replacement drink. Some days I am worrying too much about work, personal stress, or otherwise to even want to process picking something out for lunch, so downing a drink that gives me enough nutrition to keep going whilst I let my brain slow down is the perfect option.

    Plus, with the fact these Huel Black Editions were on Clubcard Price for £3.20 each combined with the recent increase in Tesco Meal Deal pricing, this works out as both less calories and cheaper overall, which I think is pretty good.

    But that does it all for today, I am going to head back now to do my actual current job. Thank you for reading this edition of the Redundancy Review, I hope the Monday blues are not dragging you down too much and the rest of your week looks clear.

    For more information on Huel, visit their website here: Huel UK 

  • Redundancy Review: Day 81 & 82, “Improvisin’, Helldivin’, and Survivin’”

    (for context on what this series is, please see my Day 1 post here: Redundancy Review: Day 1, “A New Beginning” – Rosalia’s Rambles)

    Good morning fixers and repairers, welcome to a double feature for Day 81 & 82 of Rosalia Rambles Redundancy Review.

    Did I miss a day out of my commitment for writing every day before my convention trip? Yes I did. Do I have a good reason for it? Yes I do.

    I have been enjoying myself and relaxing. I had a friend over for a roast dinner yesterday which took up a lot of my energy in terms of preparation and then I played a lot of Helldivers 2 to continue unlocking stuff from the Halo warbond.

    That said, I did make a marginal improvement to Rambles as a whole by upgrading the top navigation bar: adding in a dedicated Redundancy Review button to navigate to all of these articles, and adding in both my fiction & commissions right at the top bar to advertise that part of the website.

    Taking several factors into consideration, the primary factor of which is my rent going up by £40 at the start of October, I definitely want to put more effort into advertising the fact I am available for writing commissions or quality assurance contracts. Part of me realises that returning to the stable corporate structure might not be in my foreseeable future, and as much as the freelance life unsettles me a little bit; there are a fair few benefits that come with it as well.

    Specifically, freelancing gives me a higher chance of remaining remote in my work lifestyle, which I would very much like to do for the foreseeable, both for personal preference and to help try to maintain the idea of remote work becoming the norm in the coming years.

    For those who might not be aware, I consider myself a “remote work advocate”, to put it in LinkedIn speech. I believe remote work is the ideal way for people to work and whilst there are definitely going to be a fair few exceptions within that statement, I feel remote work needs to be more widely adopted across different industries – especially in the increasingly volatile tech industry.

    I see a lot of techbros talk against remote work, saying that nothing beats the in-person energy of experimentation and bouncing ideas off of each other… and to some extent, I agree.

    Brainstorming ideas in-person can lead to more off-the-cuff suggestions, but I feel it should skew more towards regular team days that focus on both work and relaxation. Gather people together for meetings where they can discuss how things have gone in recent months, where improvements can be made, and then follow it up with an evening of relaxation together, either going out for a meal or engaging in an activity.

    Remote work leads to healthier people and higher productivity. At least in my case, the fact I am working in my own space without the distraction of people talking to me or coming by my desk for a chat leads to me getting my work done a lot quicker, especially when taking into consideration that one of my (many) neuroses is that I really struggle to work when I am aware of someone looking over my shoulder or perceiving my work in any way.

    I am working, you do not need to stand over my shoulder and assure yourself that I am doing so. It will get done, so leave me alone and let me work…

    …god help me if I end up getting an in-person role in the future, in my now almost five-year career as a QA I have worked a grand total of seven days in an in-person setting, and of those seven days only three of them could be classed as actually doing my job since one of them was getting to the office for the first time and being toured round with the remaining three being in-person meetings where I spent more time commuting than I actually did contributing.

    It would be one hell of a socialisation experiment, but ultimately, even if I am not the most social person at work, I still get the job done.

    Want to hire me and watch me prove that? Get in touch! Quality assurance, fiction writing, technical writing? I will do it all and am more than happy to work within your budget to find a solution that benefits both of us.

    Time to head into the review, and considering a well-known card game accessory manufacturer is currently going through a lot of bad publicity due to stupid decisions regarding AI usage and Harry Potter licensing deals, I think it will be good to review a deck box from what is quickly becoming my favourite manufacturer.

    An aside, fuck you Ultimate Guard. Your Katana sleeves were actually some of the best on the market but I cannot in good conscious support you given the decisions you have made over the past weeks.

    Anyway, here is the Gamegenic Squire Plus 100+ XL Deck Box, in the Teal/Pink colour scheme because the trans vibes must be immaculate.

    I am not entirely sure when this particular deck box was released, but I definitely think it was at least in the last year or so, and if we go by how little stock of these exist within UK stores currently, it is reasonable to assume they are quite popular – a sentiment I fully understand now that I have my hands on one.

    The headline feature of the Squire Plus over the regular Squire is the addition of the transparent hard plastic card case that can store a single standard-sized trading card. This is specifically designed around the immensely popular Magic: the Gathering format “Commander”, which features a single card chosen to be your commander.

    It presents an extremely novel solution to the eternal problem that many Magic: the Gathering players face: remembering what deck is stored in what box. With your commander displayed prominently on the outside of the deck box, it not only allows for finding the deck easier but it also allows your decks to become display pieces themselves, proudly showing off your favourite creations on your shelf.

    Additionally, the magnets on the lid of the deck box are extremely discrete compared to other magnetic deck boxes I own, barely being visible on the box or the lid itself leading to a very slim look when all put together.

    The MSRP of these deck boxes is listed at $27.99, which converts to roughly £20.78 as of time of writing. I got this a little cheaper than that from chaoscards.co.uk (not sponsored, but a big fan) at £17.95, which I consider a more than worth it price point for the quality you get in exchange.

    Now to figure out which deck I want to put in this thing.

    That will do it for today, thank you for reading this double feature of the Redundancy Review. Wherever you are, I hope you have had a very good weekend with plenty of relaxation, and that the Monday blues do not get to you too much tomorrow.

    For more information on the Gamegenic Squire Plus, visit the product page here: SQUIRE PLUS 100+ XL CONVERTIBLE – Gamegenic

  • Redundancy Review: Day 80, “Side Effects Include Loss Of Appetite”

    (for context on what this series is, please see my Day 1 post here: Redundancy Review: Day 1, “A New Beginning” – Rosalia’s Rambles)

    Good morning munchers and gobblers, welcome to Day 80 of Rosalia Rambles Redundancy Review.

    As mentioned at the end of yesterday’s review, my period has descended upon me, a stumble on the path to greatness that estrogen has granted me. God knows I would be too powerful if I could have the benefits of euphoria without some crippling debuff, and so sees fit to bring down my potential.

    Which in this case has manifested in a loss of appetite… yeah kind of shitty my body has afflicted the one of the few things I have near limitless passion for: my love of food.

    That and writing, cause my brain is fogged up in addition to not feeling like eating.

    So my extremely brief “review” is going to be the most recent Warbond from Helldivers 2, the “Obedient Democracy Support Trooper” Legendary Warbond.

    For context, Warbonds are one of the ways Helldivers 2 distributes premium content, being similar to a battlepass in having multiple pages that unlock as more items are purchased using an in-game currency called “Medals”, earned by completing missions.

    Though that is where the comparison to most battle implementations end, as Helldivers 2 is extremely unique in that the premium currency, known as Super Credits, is entirely farmable in game, found in intervals of 10 or, very rarely, 100 at points of interest around the map during missions. This is unrelated to the main review, I just want to highlight it.

    Most Warbonds cost 1000 Super Credits, though the new Legendary Warbond for Halo 3 ODST costs 1500 instead, potentially to help cover licensing fees.

    Full disclosure, this is the first Warbond I have actually spent real money on, which was £7.99 for 1000 Super Credits to supplement 500 I already had through game progression.

    This is a decision I have no regrets in, especially after actually getting to use the weapons within it. The fact a Halo crossover is present in one of Sony’s headline titles is something I want to support in the industry, and Arrowhead’s implementation of Halo weaponry is incredibly loving and faithful.

    Thus far I have only unlocked the assault rifle, and from the few missions I have used it on I am thoroughly in love with how it has been brought over. Rather than aiming down the sights of the weapon when going into first-person mode, like all the other weapons do, the first-person mode for the assault rifle mimics how the view looks in Halo, with the assault rifle off to the right side. A small detail, but a clear indicator of how much the series means to the developers.

    Additionally, whilst I have a minor gripe with the shotgun being “light armour penetrating” (the lowest value in the game) considering it is modelled after the Halo shotgun that is supposed to annihilate Flood, from what I see of it on its stats page within the Warbond itself makes me confident it will be powerful nonetheless, having a damage stat far exceeding that of the highest damaging base-game shotgun. I look forward to destroying the enemies of democracy with it.

    And again, I have no regrets spending my real money on this. For all the game’s faults and technical deficits, I think Helldivers 2 is a shining beacon in today’s modern game industry – regular free content updates, premium content that can be earned entirely through gameplay, and a beautiful community brought together across all three major platforms. I am proud to support Arrowhead, and I will continue to do so by playing Helldivers 2.

    For a brain addled by hormones, I think I did pretty well writing day. Thank you for reading this edition of the Redundancy Review. Wherever you are I hope your weekend is good, and you can find relaxation throughout it.

  • Redundancy Review: Day 79, “Inevitable Is Anything But”

    (for context on what this series is, please see my Day 1 post here: Redundancy Review: Day 1, “A New Beginning” – Rosalia’s Rambles)

    Good morning programmers and developers, welcome to Day 79 of Rosalia Rambles Redundancy Review.

    It has been a while since I have talked about my feelings on Generative AI, and considering the last couple days have been dominated by my own personal stress, I have a feeling that getting some ranting out of my system will do me some good.

    To reiterate, I am anti-Generative AI in a lot of different ways. I take a dim view of chatbots, an even dimmer view of using them for creative writing, and an extremely dim view of using AI for image generation.

    But there is something I have always found fascinating when it comes to Generative AI discussions, and that is the topic of AI integration with everyday life being “inevitable” to some degree. From the soulless automaton Zuckerberg saying that anyone who does not wear AI-enabled glasses will be at a “cognitive disadvantage” to the universally unlovable Musk saying AI “superintelligence” is going to be here in 2030.

    And whenever I see comments like that, or hear anecdotally from people saying AI is here to stay so you may as well embrace it, I always think of one thing specifically relating to my personal situation.

    You want to preach inevitability to a fucking transgender woman?

    I want to highlight Zuckerberg’s comment in particular, as it continues to stand out in my mind as a particularly out-of-touch remark. What the hell do you mean by “cognitive disadvantage” you worm? All the GenAI in the glasses is going to be able to do is look things up for you that you can do on your phone right now, or are you so disconnected from humanity you need the machine in your glasses to translate emotions for you?

    This outlook does not even go in to the numerous studies coming out right now that are studying the effects of ChatGPT on cognitive function, or the utterly disturbing news around those who view AI chatbots as their friends and close confidants leading to heartbreaking suicides – all of these techbros are so devoid of ethics and so full of wanting to “change the world” that their contempt for the mass populace is showing even more than usual.

    To bring… a semblance of balance to this rant, do I think mass uptake of GenAI in everyday life is inevitable? No.

    But do I think it is here to stay regardless of how bad the bubble bursts? Unfortunately, yes.

    As someone who works in the Extended Reality (XR) industry currently, a technology that had its own bubble period, I can see GenAI sticking around for the foreseeable future even after the massive funding bubble that sustains it bursts and the development of all these new models slows down immensely.

    My hope is that it becomes like crypto and XR, where there is still enough of an ecosystem and demand for it that smaller companies can sustain themselves reasonably okay, but all of these giants like OpenAI, xAI, and most all of Meta collapse in on themselves… 

    …okay that last one is a little biased because I am asking for Meta as a whole to collapse rather than its AI division, but as someone who regrettably works very closely with Meta technologies on a daily basis there is a certain level of resentment I have for the company and Zuckerberg on a deeply personal level.

    I use the term “Human-focused creative” for myself on LinkedIn as part of my banner, partially because I know advertising myself as a Luddite on that AI-infested website would attract all the wrong kinds of characters, and partially because that is my stake in this great war between people and machines.

    It matters to me that humans create things.

    It matters to me that I can read the stories and experiences of other humans.

    I do not want to see machines telling stories, or machines trying to market products.

    If you care about the quality of your overall image, hire a human. No amount of savings that AI can bring will outweigh the work a human can produce.

    Does this put me at odds with like… 90% of the professional space who preach the gospel of using AI to streamline the job search in an effort to counter a broken market? Yes it does.

    But I am going to stand by these principles, in this space AI does not stand for “artificial intelligence”; it stands for “artistic integrity” – yes I know that sounds cheesy as fuck, embrace being a little cringey, all the best art is!

    Time for the review segment, and we are back to my favourite type of thing to review: food. That is right, we are back for:

    Rosa Eats Her Way Around Shrewsbury!

    And in this instance specifically, we are most definitely back as I am revisiting a place I talked about all the way back for Day 3 of the Redundancy Review, the lovely little sandwich shop known as Brambles.

    Specifically on my lunch walk today I was very divided on what I wanted to eat, whether to indulge in something greasy to help absorb the emotions I have been experiencing over the last week, or go for something simple to save my money for a takeaway tomorrow. Eventually I decided on the latter, and wandered over to Brambles to get a nice & basic sandwich.

    That is, until I noticed the specials board, and saw that for the hot special today they had Chicken, Chorizo, and Mozzarella available as either a toasted wrap or a panini.

    So obviously I had to get myself set up with a panini because all three of those sandwich fillings are among my favourite ingredients in the world, and for the price point of £4.80 it serves as a very economical lunch to boot.

    Brambles’ panini press is also one that comes with ridges which I especially appreciate, as sometimes when it comes to getting paninis from other places they tend to just be the panini loaf pressed down flat which gives it a crunchy exterior with the texture feeling just a little flat. 

    Outside of that, there is not much to say about it, which I think is its strength. When you use a simple selection of ingredients, the resulting sandwich turns out as greater than the sum of its parts, and there are very few sandwich ingredients that cannot be improved by the addition of fresh mozzarella.

    But that was not all I picked up this time, as a lovely baked creation on the shelf above all the sandwich ingredients caught my eye and, being a lover of the sweets adorned atop it, I just had to try it.

    This, is a chocolate brownie/cake (I honestly can not tell which, it sort of dances the line between both) topped with a chocolate icing and Rolos. For those reading who might not know what they are, Rolos are small chocolate swirls that are filled with caramel that are off the charts delicious.

    And £2.50 to get a cake with a wonderfully soft texture that combines two amazing sweet treats made it a no-brainer, serving as the perfect dessert for a lunch that helped ease the pain of the last couple days.

    That will do it for today, considering my period is about to start the writing may get a little more intense slash unstable in the coming days, but I am still keeping to my commitment to write something every day before my convention trip. Thank you for reading today’s edition of the Redundancy Review, wherever you are I hope you are able to take it easy today.

    For more information on Brambles, visit their Facebook page here: https://www.facebook.com/Bramblesshrewsbury/ 

  • Redundancy Review: Day 78, “Better On The Inside, Better On The Outside”

    (for context on what this series is, please see my Day 1 post here: Redundancy Review: Day 1, “A New Beginning” – Rosalia’s Rambles)

    Good morning homebodies and wanderers, welcome to Day 78 of Rosalia Rambles Redundancy Review.

    So with me putting together a cosplay at almost the last minute given my initial plans fell through, what I am technically going through is my first experience of con crunch.

    I do not know how cosplayers can do this on the regular. My head is in near constant pain due to worrying about needing to put things together and the stress of having things continue to go wrong even up until today is really taking its toll on me – not to mention this is compounding on top of work and personal stress leaving me paranoid about a lot of different things.

    But I carry on, I persist.

    Part of the Redundancy Review is recording how I feel on a daily basis, sometimes through the lens of an annoyed rant, sometimes through rambling self reflection. Today we are going for the latter, talking about what I have decided to title the review today.

    When it comes to improving myself, I simultaneously want to be healthier in body and mind. Over the years I have put on a significant amount of weight due to various coping mechanisms I engaged with both previously and persisting in to today, with the usual reasoning of everything that happened during COVID not helping the situation either.

    To put it in more practical terms, since 2017 I have added on about 30cm/12 inches to my waistline. My goal with slimming my body back down is to fit in to my oldest cosplay, Junko Enoshima from Danganronpa, and that goal stays in my mind when it comes to losing weight, even though getting back down to that point would bring a multitude of other benefits – the only one in sight is being able to fit into old clothes once more.

    I had committed to Beat Saber as part of a workout routine, but that fell off once heatwaves had started setting in along with getting ill again, and I keep thinking about restarting, which will probably be a post-convention activity at this point.

    But when it comes to being better on the inside… that has been a long time journey, and I am not really any closer to figuring out how to be so. My awareness of my own mental health stretches over twelve plus years now, and whilst I can definitely say I am in a far better place today than I have been at any other points in my life; the challenges that define my mental health have also switched drastically during that time.

    Academics, friendships, transitioning, career changes: all of these have shifted what battles I fight on a daily basis, and being real for a moment… I do not think I am winning any of them right now.

    I carry on, I persist, but ultimately I feel as if I am drowning most days. 

    I have always had a difficult relationship with my depression, especially as someone who experiences, for all intents and purposes, a life of relative comfort. On paper I very rarely have reasons to be sad, and yet the sadness remains, feeding into my stress & paranoia to make me feel I am in danger of losing everything that keeps me together right now.

    My hard work does not feel like enough some days, constantly feeling as if the immense pressure is going to crush me at any moment and I will find myself in a dark place very quickly.

    I am terrified of being alone again, but some days I feel like I am closer to that pain than ever before. I know it is ultimately all inside my head, but for all the therapy, medication, and healing I have tried through this long journey of having a shit brain, sometimes the hardest part is leaving my head for a short while to see that things are not so bad.

    It might just be the last three months talking in all this, even though I have said I might finally feel like I am healing from the initial hit of redundancy a few weeks back. Maybe recovery is a lifelong journey for me, or maybe I will never truly be the same again, building upon scarred tissue a new life with the pain of the past still prominently present even today.

    Or maybe I am just tired, in desperate need of a break I cannot take.

    Regardless, I will be here. A record of my every day uploaded for the world to see, a slice of vulnerability in the landscape of cultivated profiles.

    …feels a bit weird to go in to a review about shoes after baring my heart out about self-improvement, but that is the way we roll around here.

    Specifically these shoes are New Rock M-WALL373-S11 platform boots. I bought these ages ago back in March specifically to act as part of my cosplay for my upcoming convention whilst also finally getting a real proper pair of stompers that were not from AliExpress.

    Sizing was the primary reason I decided to purchase from New Rock, as an extremely tall trans girl my feet are absolutely massive and were even classed as wide when picking up male shoes back in the day, meaning it is extraordinarily difficult to find cute & stylish shoes that fit me – so you could imagine my relief when I found that New Rock not only included my size, it went beyond my size too.

    The boots are extremely comfortable, having plenty of space around my toes to ensure nothing feels pinched when I am walking around. The platform itself feels extremely solid too, and the bolts embedded into the side walls of it give the perfect industrial gothic look that I was looking for.

    And in terms of high-quality footwear that fits my feet, the price point of New Rock was not actually that bad, being €257.62 or around £222, a reasonable price for larger than normal shoes and with such good design.

    However.

    I live in the UK, and if you have paid attention to any UK politics within the last decade then A. I am very sorry for your loss and B. Brexit is a thing, which meant that, as New Rock is a Spanish company, I had to pay import tax on these, adding a lovely £54.30 on to the bill.

    But hey, taking back control am I right?*

    *this statement is a joke, if you have not already guessed that my politics are extremely left-leaning then I am clearly not doing a good enough job here.

    Think that covers everything I wanted to talk about today, thank you for reading this confusingly honest edition of the Redundancy Review. I hope getting past hump day has been easy enough for you, and that the weekend is not too far away for you.

    For more information on New Rock products, visit their website here: https://www.newrock.com/en/ 

  • Redundancy Review: Day 77, “Not Quite There Yet”

    (for context on what this series is, please see my Day 1 post here: Redundancy Review: Day 1, “A New Beginning” – Rosalia’s Rambles)

    Good morning knights and bards, welcome to Day 77 of Rosalia Rambles Redundancy Review.

    So despite a good day yesterday, my mental state is still in a severe amount of flux over cosplay shenanigans, which led to me having a bit of a breakdown over lunch due to cosplay stress compounding with work stress which shattered the thin veneer of mental stability I usually present with leading me into a bit of a spiral until I had some ice cream.

    In the midst of the breakdown though, my mind started having a thought about what my problem is, and, I think I found something I need to change.

    I am… extremely bad at giving myself time to properly process things, usually due to the pace my life moves out, and this lack of time means that I often rush past any attempt at healing, instead trying to find solutions or working on something else to distract myself from what hurt me initially.

    Again, this can be seen as an admirable trait in some instances, but a common running theme in what people admire me for is that it comes at a great cost to my personal sanity and comfort.

    Losing my job back in June hurt, and it still hurts today. I am working towards building myself up as a writer, a freelance software tester, and whatever titles any of the other hobbies I am exploring right now could bestow upon me… but the sense of self and belonging that came from that job is still gone. 

    And with this cosplay, I am working towards getting a backup plan sorted, and even when it comes to stumbles within that backup plan I need to be kinder to myself, because whilst I consider cosplay a big part of my identity; the actual act of putting together cosplays is something I am still inexperienced on even coming up to almost a decade since my first time cosplaying.

    In general, the idea of “being kinder to myself” is something I struggle with a lot anyway – in both my career and personal life. I often fall into this trap of needing to make myself perfect in all I do, finding my stride within the first try or else I consider myself a failure, all the while preaching a gospel about how mistakes and imperfections make things interesting.

    Hypocrisy is fun, especially when it comes to needless self flagellation… getting in all my big words today too.

    Anyway, I want to go play Helldivers after dinner, so, I am going to try wrap up this Redundancy Review with a quick Hololive Tuesday segment, which today is going to cover a rapid fire review of all of the items inside my mini Ninomae Ina’nis display on my big Kallax configuration.

    For a brief bit of context, Ninomae Ina’nis (or Ina for short because god that is a mouthful) is a VTuber within Hololive English 1st Generation “Myth”, and is one of my main oshis. I absolutely love Ina, her streams always give comfy & cozy vibes with delightfully fun tangents, and her sleepiness speaks to me on a personal level.

    As such, I have a fair bit of Ina merch, which I can happily say was all bought directly from Hololive via Geekjack without the need to go to scalpers on eBay like an admittedly-not-insignificant portion of the Hololive collectibles I own are.

    Up front on the left we have “SmolMyth” Ina Plushie, one of the first pieces of Hololive merch I ever bought because it was right around the time I had discovered Geekjack was an option for shipping to the UK. She has stuck with me ever since and now forms the cornerstone of my little display.

    On her right we have “Friends With U” Ina Plushie. Friends With U is a series of plushies that tend to be in stock more regularly for fans who might not be able to buy plushies as part of limited-time made-to-order milestone drops that talents usually do. Admittedly I am not the biggest fan of the halo on this plushie, it feels a little too flimsy and hard to position correctly.

    Sitting in the lap of both of these plushies is a Connect the World Penlight. When it comes to the headline Hololive English concerts, I am unable to attend due to the fact they are A. in the USA which I do not massively feel safe going to right now due to being trans and B. The travel costs are prohibitively expensive for my current situation. 

    So in lieu of attendance, I make an effort to buy the made-to-order/leftover merch from the concerts themselves, having done so for Connect the World, Breaking Dimensions, and the incredibly recent All For One. The penlight from Connect the World is actually the only penlight I own as well, something I hope to change given my upcoming convention but this one will definitely get mileage there as well in both the opening and premium concert.

    And finally, looming behind all of them, is the large Takodachi Plushie, specifically being the rerun version from Myth’s third anniversary merch in 2023… I absolutely love this thing. Whilst a lot of Hololive plushies are made more for display than cuddling, the Takodachi plush is absolutely one you can cuddle and it feels amazing to do so. 

    The outside is incredibly soft but the stuffing holds up to being squeezed amazingly, making it perfect to hold tight on lazy days where all you want to do is lie in bed, relax, and watch silly videos on Youtube.

    For someone having a bad day, the fact I managed to write almost a thousand words makes me happy, especially as it was quite easy to find my flow for this. Thank you for reading today’s Redundancy Review, I hope you are able to find relaxation and happiness wherever you are. Myself though?

    I am diving feet first into hell once more.

  • Redundancy Review: Day 76, “A Good Day”

    (for context on what this series is, please see my Day 1 post here: Redundancy Review: Day 1, “A New Beginning” – Rosalia’s Rambles)

    Good morning painters and lovers, welcome to Day 76 of Rosalia Rambles Redundancy Review.

    Today was a good day for me. It is a bank holiday in the UK, and even though I am a freelance contractor who would not normally get public holidays, I decided to take it off anyway. Partially because of appreciating keeping some semblance of my old schedule as a tech worker, and partially because the events of the weekend left me thoroughly demoralised.

    Thankfully though, two of my closest friends (who coincidentally live upstairs from me) had the day off today, which made it a good time to play Magic: the Gathering together especially considering it is very rare we get the chance to start playing in the early afternoon rather than early evening due to mine and my partner’s work schedule.

    And despite the fact I was not the victor in either game, it was exactly what I needed today. Hanging out with good company, playing a game we all love, and ending it off by sharing a home cooked meal together. 

    Cooking is definitely how I show love to others, being stronger than actual physical affection in my eyes at least. Making a meal is one of the best things I can do for someone, and it is something I massively enjoy in trying to hone my skills in the kitchen and infinitely trying to get better with what I am making.

    Which y’know, ties into how often food reviews feature on the website. Whether I am making it or whether I am eating out, good food with good people is a cornerstone of my life, leading us very nicely into…

    Rosa Eats Her Way Around Shrewsbury!

    I mentioned in yesterday’s review that I had got another one prepared ready for today, partially out of feeling intensely on Sunday and wanting to find somewhere to have a treat lunch, realising I could make another food review out of it and capitalise on how easy they come to me.

    And when it comes to comfort food, pizza is the be-all and end-all for me, with myself having a soft spot for a local joint known as “Dough & Oil”.

    Dough & Oil is definitely more… hipster than other pizza places would be. WIth a small menu of pizzas along with minimal sides, the focus is more on quality ingredients and pillowy crusts than anything else. My pizza of choice? One known as “The Philipo”.

    The Philipo is the standard tomato sauce and mozzarella base, topped with spicy nduja salami and piquante peppers before being sprinkled with fresh pieces of rocket. The price point of this pizza is where the hipster element of the venue comes in, with this lovely pizza pie clocking in at a steep £15.

    On one hand, I can recognise this is extremely unaffordable, especially when it comes to pizza – the same amount of money can pay for a larger takeaway pizza that can become multiple meals or pay for several supermarket pizzas that can be stored for longer and make even more meals beyond that.

    But on the other hand, as a very infrequent treat, this pizza hit the exact spot I was looking for. Spicy toppings, an incredibly soft and flavorful dough, and hitting the craving for a slightly more luxury pizza. Specifically the nduja salami on this one hit my usual craving for spicy food perfectly, warming my mouth perfectly and waking me up sufficiently for the rest of the day.

    Somewhat related, I really wish there were more places to buy pizza-by-the-slice in the UK. When it comes to craving the comfort of a pizza at lunchtime, I find myself very thin on the ground for options. I am either committing to something like I did yesterday, sitting down for a proper lunch and a large-sized pizza, or I am scrolling the menu of the local Dominos to get a small personal pizza that hits the spot, but feels a little overkill for a lunch.

    And before anyone chimes in: no, Greggs does not count as pizza by the slice. It barely counts as pizza if you ask me.

    A venue like Dough and Oil I think would be ripe for such a business venture, serving delicious slices of specialty pizzas for a reasonable price to anyone who might be walking by.

    Side tangent over, finishing things off.

    Thank you for reading today’s edition of the Redundancy Review. If you are in the UK I hope you have been able to enjoy your bank holiday, and if you are someone who has been working today, I hope things have not been too difficult for you.

    For more information on Dough & Oil, visit their website here: Dough & Oil

  • Redundancy Review: Day 75, “Back to Recovery”

    (for context on what this series is, please see my Day 1 post here: Redundancy Review: Day 1, “A New Beginning” – Rosalia’s Rambles)

    Good morning reclaimers and salvagers, welcome to Day 75 of Rosalia Rambles Redundancy Review.

    This whole cosplay debacle is still pretty raw in my mind as I write this. I feel a lot of regret about how things went down and what I could have done differently, which, in general I try not to dwell on regret as part of my life philosophy. 

    Is there plenty I have done in my life that I can and do feel regret over? Yes – but ultimately I try to not to let myself feel regret long. For all that I can regret, I am still in the position I am now because of my actions, good or bad, so spending time wallowing ultimately does not serve what I want to do.

    It is just this specific instance and what the result of it was supposed to be that makes me wonder what I could have done differently as part of the commission process. Should I have messaged after the estimated delivery date passed, giving myself almost three months worth of time? Should I have pressed the seller more in general even though they said they do not give WIPs?

    In general though, I mainly feel sad. This sadness prevails even as I consider the fact I have a backup plan for a cosplay that people in the community seem interested in, but I find it hard to discover the impetus to work on the cosplay or accessories because of how derailed my initial plan is.

    Sadness is also what is making me struggle with wanting to write, even though a good part of the Redundancy Review is trying to capture my day-to-day feelings, from the highs and the lows, but the sadness usually comes with fogginess that can make it hard to sit down and write, even though I have demonstrated multiple times that I can utilise my emotions and channel them into my work, like with my anti-AI and anti-government rantings.

    If I am honest, this is probably going to stay raw in my mind up until I get into the post-con depression phase of my convention, have greater sadness replace the current sadness and also go past the crux of what makes the current sadness so great. 

    I want to try to write every day up until my convention, especially as I have been slacking in recent weeks, and hopefully I can work through the sadness to do that.

    Though, one thing that I always find it easy to write about is food… that is right, we are back with another exciting installment of:

    Rosa Eats Her Way Around Shrewsbury!

    I really like that I have made this a regular segment, even if I do not consider myself an official food reviewer of sorts, and more just a foodie who loves talking about the places she goes to.

    And today we have another local joint known as “The Exchange”, a sort of fancier pub style of venue with food to match, offering up classics like fish & chips, burgers, and gammon.

    We went there because I wanted to take my parents out to dinner to say thanks to them for helping me through things when it came to my redundancy and joblessness, from paying for meals out, to my mum providing me with food that would have been wasted off otherwise at her job. 

    For starters, I ordered a simple portion of southern fried chicken strips which came with a black pepper mayo. An incredibly generous portion of strips with a simple yet delicious dip, which when paired with the extremely reasonable price tag of £6.50 for this amount of food made for an excellent starter that prepared me well enough for my main.

    Initially my partner and I had planned on ordering what is known as the “Meaty Boy Platter” off their menu and sharing that, but once we had conferred that we were both absolutely starving by this, we went for our own mains, which for me was a simple bacon cheeseburger.

    Burgers for me are similar in a way to pizza, in that it is very difficult to make an objectively bad burger, instead variations in preparation leading to differing results. Regular readers will also know I have reviewed a lot of burgers as part of eating my way around Shrewsbury, and this one was… alright.

    Which is a bit of a shame to say, because for the price point of £17.50 (base price being £15.50 and adding on £2 to add bacon & mozzarella), I was expecting something fantastic. 

    The burger patty itself was well cooked and seasoned, being extraordinarily juicy to the point I took my arm warmers off before consumption, but the cheese and bacon did not really add anything to the burger as well. 

    Whilst mozzarella is in contention for being my favourite cheese of all time, it is nowhere near the top spot as burger cheese specifically due to its mild flavour not really offering any contrast to the flavour of the meat. 

    Additionally, the bacon was back bacon rather than streaky bacon, matching the popularity of the cut in the UK, but emphasising why streaky is used instead as the thick meatiness of the back bacon kind of overwhelmed the beef patty in some bites rather than complimenting the flavour of the beef.

    Finally, the fries were… good. The entire main I had was very middle of the road, being an alright burger served with alright fries. I think part of my mind was expecting something closer to hand cut chips rather than fries as part of the meal in a venue such as this.

    Now, we get into a part of the story that is a little more difficult to talk about, and that unfortunately does not come with pictures because of what happened. After our mains were finished and we ordered dessert, we waited.

    And waited.

    And waited a little more.

    Flagged down the assistant manager.

    And waited.

    And kept waiting.

    Until fifty minutes later, we received our dessert. In the venue’s defence, they had a private function of twenty people booked upstairs and the kitchen definitely seemed to have got a little overwhelmed because of some plates being sent back, but it would have been nice to get a little more attention as part of the wait, especially as it was only after our dessert arrived that we were offered some free drinks as compensation.

    However, I cannot complain too much for two reasons. The first being that our starters and mains were promptly delivered, and it was this private party that put a knock-on effect on the kitchen, leading to delays for both our desserts and other customer’s food.

    Second being that because of how long we waited for the desserts, the manager comped them off our bill for us with his apologies. The wait was annoying, but it was incredibly appreciated to see the manager stepping up, taking responsibility, and making it right by us. 

    We were planning to return to The Exchange at some point anyway to try other options on the menu (mainly for myself to see what I might like beyond the burger), but the integrity of the management definitely cemented the idea of going back due to how well we were treated in the face of a problem.

    …I should really do food reviews more often, they flow so easily for me compared to other topics, though I doubt my waistline would appreciate that fact… that said I have a food review lined up for tomorrow as well so look forward to that.

    But thank you for reading today’s edition of the Redundancy Review all the same. For all of you in the UK alongside me, enjoy the long weekend, for the Monday blues have no hold on us now!

    For more information on The Exchange, visit their website here: The Exchange | Kitchen & Cocktail Bar | Shrewsbury

  • Redundancy Review: Days 70-74, “Small Victories, Big Losses”

    (for context on what this series is, please see my Day 1 post here: Redundancy Review: Day 1, “A New Beginning” – Rosalia’s Rambles)

    Good morning bassists and drummers, welcome to a massive catch-up post for a bunch of missed days of Rosalia Rambles Redundancy Review.

    A lot of what I write for the review is self-indulgent. I talk about my emotions, things that make me feel happy, and food I have eaten that tasted good. The entire series is a reflection of myself written down as a living record.

    And so, given the fact I took a very hard loss over the last week, I am going to take today’s catch-up post to let my emotions fly a little bit, because fuck me do I need it.

    There has been a lot that has gone wrong in my life, wasted my degree years due to stubbornness, losing friends cause of a lack of emotional intelligence, and going through severe periods of distress due to transition related issues.

    But I can comfortably say that the last three months of my life have been the worst period I have ever experienced – and that is fucking saying something considering how dark my mind got during my university days.

    Ever since I got the news that the company I worked for was in the shit, I have been fighting every day to try get small victories, and I should not minimise the fact that even small victories mean a lot when I have gone through what I have gone through.

    But for every small victory I feel like I take a big loss alongside it, and I am really fucking tired of that happening.

    Even in the last couple of days I have taken a small victory and a big loss simultaneously with my custom cosplay order falling through two weeks before my convention. The seller was courteous and offered me a full refund for my disappointment, which is the small victory, but the big loss comes from the fact this outfit felt like it was going to be the centrepiece of my convention holiday – something I have been looking forward to all year and now I have to go put together a backup plan in a short amount of time.

    I am not going to name and shame the seller. As part of the refund I agreed that I would not leave a negative review, and I am sticking to that. I would much rather move on and try make something positive out of this mess… finding yet more small victories.

    Every day feels fearful to me now, as if something has changed in my brain that has shifted my outlook from nervous optimism to outright pessimism. I had a breakdown on my partner last night and when I started talking about some of the fears I have about upcoming things, I said a line that breaks my heart even now to repeat:

    “I am wanting to prepare for the worst because that is all I can expect nowadays”.

    Making the best out of a bad situation should be an admirable trait, one I can take pride of, especially as someone who has lived in startup culture for the last three plus years and has made a name for herself of trying to be adaptable in times of crisis, knowing how to problem-solve my way out of anything.

    But I resent the fact I have become that person.

    I resent that I can never go long without needing to put out a fire.

    And I hate the fact that everything I am going through is making me a colder person and I do not know what to do to stop it – which I am not even sure I fully agree with saying cause the main thing that differentiates this period of time from the previous absolute worst time of my life is that I actually recognise I have people to live for now.

    I will keep going, I do not want to stop… but I am absolutely praying for a better season to come my way, because quite frankly, this summer has sucked.

    Going to keep it simple with a different review today, talking about another Stardew Valley save of mine that I have with a friend, this time on the Forest Farm layout.

    I have mentioned it in passing before, but I have an obsession with building infrastructure in video games. Paths, roads, transport structures, all of it is fair game for me wanting to make neat layouts & patterns in whatever I play, and Stardew is a game I find surprisingly useful for that purpose, especially when presented with the challenges of any of the nonstandard layouts.

    Forest in particular has been an interesting challenge, in trying to find the perfect blend of farming crops, farming animals, and utilising the main feature of the farm – that being renewable forage and hardwood options.

    Initially I had struggled with this task, especially when it came to building layouts that could work with the sprinkler patterns I usually use without actually having the sprinklers to plan out the infrastructure.

    But as with my mind itself, things start to make a lot more sense around Winter in this game, and without needing to worry about (much) crop watering and focus more on getting stuff organised for the next year, I feel a lot happier plotting out paths and working out where things need to go.

    On this map in particular, it is evidenced by the massive tree farm I am trying to establish in the top middle of the map. This initially started small scale with each tree type being vertically aligned which made collecting forage from the tappers a nightmare, but once I had established where the animal pasture needed to go a lot of space opened up which has led to the larger scale farm pictured above.

    There is definitely still a lot of work to be done on this farm, but considering this is only the end of Year 1, I am extremely excited to see where this goes next.

    Here is where I would usually say something about getting my rhythm back, but honestly, as much as the Redundancy Review will keep going, I am not sure how well I will be able to write individual days depending on my mood – I definitely want to try chronicle my convention holiday each day, but, we will see how it goes.

    Thank you for reading this far if you did, I hope you are able to have a relaxing weekend, a longer one than usual if you are in the UK.