Good morning tortoises and hares, welcome to one big ass catch up post for Day 148 to 151 of Rosalia Rambles Redundancy Review.
Work has been utter chaos this week, preparing for a big launch requiring all hands on deck for all manner of tasks, which had the net result of me ultimately having very little time for writing between managing period symptoms, managing sinus infection symptoms, and engaging in what small self-care activities my remaining time & energy would allow.
Not entirely out of the woods yet either with work, but at the very least I have the weekend now to enact some basic recovery plan and actually engage with my hobbies once more: gaming, cooking, and of course, writing.
Admittedly it has been a while since I have had something like this at work. My entire career has been marked by various points where a massive effort was needed to get something out the door on a Friday, usually leaving me exhausted by the time everything wrapped up and just wanting nothing more than to sleep for fourteen hours.
The fact that I am awake, aware, and engaging in something mentally stimulating after nine hours of sleep shows that I have built a resilience to this kind of thing… when you ignore the fact that my dual-afflictions this week meant I had to take Wednesday morning off because I felt like I was going to die if I put on a VR headset and every day outside of that it was a challenge to drag myself to my desk each day…
…but I kept going, even in the face of adversity, and that is what I am going to be proud of. Through anxiety, pain, and exhaustion, I always choose to keep moving so I am able to see the better days on the horizon.
Trying to write things down after a period of not writing for a bit always feels difficult, as if somehow I need to shake the rust and cobwebs out of my system even though I have been practicing for several months now, although my usual stumbling block is finding areas to elaborate on in a positive way rather than harping on the negative aspects of what I have been experiencing.
I believe it is important to let yourself experience negative feelings, but not to let them consume you – a balancing act that is most definitely easier said than done. Suppressing negative feelings can result in them escaping out at the worst of times, lashing out at those around you when everything becomes too hard to bear, a painful experience I know all too well. But constantly dwelling on whatever is bringing negativity to your life ultimately lowers your resting mood which can make it harder to appreciate what few positive moments come your way.
For all my struggles, there is still a lot I have going for me in this life, and I want to try focus on that more than what is not exactly going my way right now.
Think that will cover everything for today, a bit of a shorter post but given my exhaustion and minor addiction to Clair Obscur right now, it does the job of hopefully starting a new streak.
Need a thumbnail though, so I will use some pictures of the burgers I made tonight. My first proper bit of cooking this entire week.
Thank you for reading today’s edition of the Redundancy Review. Wherever you are I hope you are able to have a relaxing weekend and that you are able to recover from whatever might have happened during your week.
Good morning thespians and troupers, welcome to Day 145 and 146 of Rosalia Rambles Redundancy Review.
I have returned from my trip to London and a brief excursion to hang out with my board game friends only to find myself afflicted with a pestilence alongside my period starting…
…my luck is really something else sometimes.
But, as is the overarching message of the Redundancy Review, we keep moving, even when the circumstances are against us, and considering how much I enjoyed writing the VeXPo Diaries piece I want to do a similar thing for the Saturday I spent in London going to Metal Gear In Concert at the Royal Albert Hall.
Waking up
As mentioned in Day 144, I did not have the best night’s sleep in the hotel bed. A shower was enough to shake off the grogginess before I sat in the bed and passed the time by writing that day’s review whilst watching old TV clips on Youtube. I was under the assumption that my check-out time was at twelve so I had plenty of time to relax and just exist in the pleasingly liminal space of my hotel room.
Yeah, no, I double checked my booking, revealing that my check-out time was at eleven instead – a fact I discovered at quarter to eleven. This forced me to suddenly drop everything I was doing, focus on rapidly packing and getting myself dressed ready to leave. A ten-minute task all told, my previous experience of needing to run out the door when I was late to classes at uni coming in handy once again.
Wandering around
Given I was out of the hotel at eleven and my concert was not until half-two, I had a fair bit of time to kill, and given this was the first time in forever I have been to London without a work engagement, I was presented with the perfect opportunity to just wander around aimlessly using the tourist maps for guidance.
My first port of call was getting to the Albert Hall itself, a task which only took me around twenty minutes to navigate, letting me grab a picture of the external TV screen showing Metal Gear In Concert being on that night
I wish I had taken some more photos of the outside of the Albert Hall, as it is a stunningly beautiful building, but alas, my desire to keep wandering took over, leading me down towards the centre of South Kensington where my destination for a big lunch to fill me up for the day revealed itself.
Honest Burger
After trying Bleecker, you might have thought I would not be in the mood for another burger, but I am never one to turn down delicious meats, vegetables, and cheese sandwiched between two pillowy buns.
Honest Burger is a place I have been curious about since seeing it on a Food Tours video, with a focus on simple ingredients to make something delicious. Given my intention that this was going to be my only meal until I got home that evening, I went a little indulgent with a homemade mint lemonade, a small portion of frankly massive onion rings, and the Honest Smash burger with bacon, served with a side of rosemary fries.
This meal cost a total of £23.49, which broke down into £14.55 for the burger and fries, £3.30 for the small onion rings, and £3.50 for the drink, plus a £2.14 service charge which is listed as optional/discretionary but personally I believe they are a mandatory part of eating out, especially as tipping culture in the UK is not exactly strong.
Overall the price lined up with what I have paid for burger meals in London in the £20-25 range, and this was absolutely gorgeous. Again, I have to highlight the fucking enormous onion rings which were crunchy and perfectly seasoned, I could envision myself eating a full plate of those with a variety of dips.
The meal as a whole fulfilled its purpose, I did not need to eat the rest of the day minus a few drinks on the way home to keep my energy up.
Albert Hall time
Meal finished, I did a brief bit of wandering around and managed to get myself thoroughly lost meaning I had to rely on Google Maps rather than any of the tourist maps to find my bearing again, but I got my way back to the Albert Hall where the cafe bar was open meaning I could get my first (and only) coffee of the day in the form of a £4.60 mocha. Pretty standard for takeaway coffee in the UK, with a pretty standard taste that came along with it.
Took a while for me to notice but the front desk was actually selling programmes, and as someone who loves little mementos and souvenirs from their nerdy trips I had to get one – especially with this gorgeous front art:
Additionally I bought myself a t-shirt and a poster with the same art. I want the organisers to see this event as a success because this was an amazing experience I would love to see repeated elsewhere.
The doors to the auditorium opened, and upon getting my ticket checked I encountered something I have not really seen before: I was offered a ticket to go down to the stalls instead. I had picked the matinee performance rather than the evening performance because I was initially intending to rawdog the entire event in a day before deciding to make it an overnight once I was re-employed, but it was surprising to have that as an option.
I did not take them up on the offer though, as I was curious to see what my ticket got me.
I think I made the right decision, I had an end-of-row seat and no one ended up sitting next to me, giving me a lovely bit of private space to immerse myself fully in the music.
The concert itself
I did not take any pictures during the show itself, initially I did want to quickly take some stealth photos to get good accompanying pictures for the article, but I found myself enjoying the show so much I did not want to look away for a moment.
The structure of the show confused me initially, but once it clicked in my mind I was thoroughly impressed. Act I contained music from MGS3: Snake Eater, MGS: Peace Walker, and MGSV: The Phantom Pain – the story of Big Boss, the legendary soldier and clonefather of the protagonist most people know of: Solid Snake, which was the focus of Act II with MGS, MGS2: Sons of Liberty, and MGS4: Guns of the Patriots.
For someone who has more attachment from the franchise for the Solid Snake games rather than the Big Boss games, I found myself enjoying Act I more than I anticipated, especially as someone who has never properly played Peace Walker. When the orchestra started playing the Main Theme of the game I found myself having this almost proud feeling upon hearing it, the whole “music that makes you patriotic for a country that does not exist” kind of vibe.
Act II definitely resonated more with me, but because of my attachment to those games than the others I did find myself finding a few criticisms in the setlist… well, nitpicks more than anything else.
First off, there was no Encounter. The first ever “ALERT” song in the franchise and it was not put into the setlist as part of MGS. It really could have replaced Mantis Hymn which would make for an absolutely exhilarating flow of music to go from Encounter to Hind D, but I recognise that Mantis Hymn is iconic.
Another nitpick from the MGS setlist is the end theme “The Best Is Yet To Come” did not have a vocalist performing the lyrics, which is especially disappointing considering Donna Burke was one of the guest performers and she sang an English version of the song on the MGSV OST. I know it might have disrupted the flow of the show a little bit because Donna and Stefanie Joosten performed solos at the end of each act but this is such an iconic song due to the lyrics, and missing them out is a shame.
For all of my other nitpicks though, they were blown out of the water with the conclusion of Act II: Metal Gear Saga, the main theme of MGS4 followed by Stefanie Joosten performing Snake Eater which was then followed up by Donna Burke performing Heavens Divide, a conga line of iconic Metal Gear songs all of which yielded massive cheers from the crowd.
Speaking of the crowd, one funny audience moment during the MGS2 segment of Act II was someone wolf whistling when the cutscene revealed Raiden for the first time, prompting a wave of laughter to rush over the audience.
The game footage being in the background was an extremely nice touch to the show, it helped contextualise the music in a greater way and helped the immersion, especially when my nostalgia neurons got triggered from hearing certain songs alongside certain moments.
Overall, the trip as a whole was well worth it, and a nice time to actually get to explore London on foot without needing to worry about a work meeting or anything else… that said it killed my feet, even with me wearing proper walking shoes. For someone who will extoll the virtues of good public transport links I will seldom use them myself, preferring to walk almost everywhere within towns and cities.
That covers everything for the Albert Hall diaries, thank you for reading today’s edition of the Redundancy Review. Wherever you are I hope the Monday blues are not hitting you too hard and that you are able to take some time to relax.
Good morning bed bugs and dust mites, welcome to Day 144 of Rosalia Rambles Redundancy Review.
Sleep was a rough time for me last night, the hotel bed is comfy enough for sitting up in to write and watch TV but was lacking when it came to actually settle down. The pillows did not offer much support, the mattress is too firm for my tastes, and I forgot to bring a plushie with me to cuddle as I slept.
It was at least a single bed, meaning I did not have to sleep in a space larger than what I needed, which would make me miss my partner more than I already do.
Silly, in a way. We spend so much time together that it should, in theory, be easy for me to be away for a couple days – especially considering we were long distance for two and a half years with very infrequent visits for the majority of that time period.
But I am most definitely someone who struggles without him, which partially drives some of my recent fear, paranoia, and catastrophising. I am terrified of losing the life we have built together through any period of sustained joblessness on my part, especially because I would be absolutely loathe to move back in with my parents. Not because I do not like them – our relationship has actually improved massively over recent years – but because it would represent a major stumble in my path forward.
Everything I have I view as the product of all the hard work I have put in over the last five years, and me of five years ago would never imagine in her wildest dreams that she would have any of what she has today. “Where do you see yourself in five years?” is such a bizarre question to me because outside of a few key moments, none of this I could have predicted or planned for.
So as I slowly lose my relationship with the work that has enabled my current lifestyle, I find fear creeping in that I will lose everything, which I can recognise is catastrophising because I have proof I can minimise my lifestyle to a sustainable degree, and even if I was unable to find full time work, there are options I would be able to take.
Making a change is hard, and even as I take the required steps to try enact that change in myself, I find myself struggling to keep the momentum going. For all my talk of “I will make it”, there is a fear deep within me that I will be in this pain forever.
But I will make it.
This is only temporary, despite everything my mind is telling me.
Sometimes, a moment’s peace is all I need, which segues me nicely into the review topic.
For all the problems I had with the hotel bed, there is one thing this room has that I very rarely encounter in hotels: a bath.
There is a certain appeal I find in taking a bath, sure it might be lovingly described as “soaking in your own filth” by some, but the ability to immerse yourself in a tub of warm water to soothe your aching muscles, lift the weight off your shoulder, and weld together the broken parts of your soul once more is something I will always take advantage of.
This bath was surprisingly accommodating to my height as well, being someone above six feet tall there are a lot of baths that force me to hunch up my legs if I want to get myself properly inside. Whilst I could not fully lay flat in the bath, this one was long enough for me to stretch my legs out and get just below my shoulders submerged in the water.
Additionally, I went to Waitrose before the bath to grab some supplies for the evening, which included two bottles of low-alcohol cider, one of which was the accompaniment to my bath.
Soaking in the water, stretching my legs out, and sipping a crisp apple cider put me at peace like nothing else has in recent weeks. My mind felt quiet, and even though the bath lasted a relatively short twenty minutes, that period of time was absolute bliss.
That covers everything for today, I should probably consider getting ready for Metal Gear tonight. Thank you for reading today’s edition of the Redundancy Review. Wherever you are I hope you are able to enjoy your Saturday, take it easy, have a good drink in the company of great people.
Good morning receptionists and secretaries, welcome to Day 143 of Rosalia Rambles Redundancy Review.
Today’s review is being written from a cozy London hotel room after a pretty intense day of travel, and in finding myself away from my desk I can once more take a moment of reflection on my current situation – or more realistically, do a bit of public rubber ducking for a bit whilst I recline.
There is definitely a lot I am scared of in the near future. This is a feeling that exists almost perpetually within me, but what makes this current instance different is that my coping strategies have been thrown all out of whack by my initial redundancy.
Before, I was someone who very much had their moments of catastrophising and overthinking. Once I had got that all out of my system I would return to what I consider my “natural” state: go with the flow, relatively level-headed, and willing to fuck up any challenge that came in my way.
My old mentor said this mindset was the reason she became interested in, and once described it as one of my greatest strengths before following it up with how she saw my catastrophising nature:
“I see you throw boulders towards yourself and you never flinch, but then you go ‘oh no a pebble’ and completely collapse.”
She was always someone I could turn to if I was in a moment of overthinking, a process I lovingly called “unfucking my brain”, and in recalling this bit of analysis she did on me, it has given me some perspective on how I feel about my current situation.
I have always prided myself on adaptability throughout my career, that even in my moments of panic I could turn those emotions into a positive development experience. Making myself stronger through adversity.
And I know I can become that person again, but right now I feel unable to balance my desire for professional progression with my borderline need for personal recovery from burnout.
The problem looming over me, as looms over many others, is of course capitalism, why would it be anything else.
My financial situation is stronger than a lot of my Gen Z peers. In the event of sudden job loss or my physical health catching up with me, I am not in imminent financial ruin, in fact both my partner and some of my closest friends have said I should pull the plug on my contract at the end of the year in order to take a prolonged break.
But I feel incapable of that, both for the anxiety that would come with losing my income stream and for the worry around the “implication” of what taking time away for burnout would look like. It is already hard enough to find a job in my desired field, and it feels just as impossible to find opportunities for branching out due to the elimination of junior roles at different organisations.
The benefits of taking a break though would be unparalleled, as I could work more on writing in a given day, actually working on the books I want to write, I can develop out my VTuber concept further, and I could finally stop feeling the crushing weight on my soul that seems to persist into every work day right now.
At some point I should try write a positive piece on my current roles, as for all the spiritual issues I am currently experiencing, there are still a good number of positive aspects within my current career – it is mainly the painful lack of a clear future right now that is bringing down my morale.
For now, I am going to revel in the feeling that being away from my desk brings, along with the fact that I am in London for pleasure rather than business for the first time in forever. Not having to rush to a meeting or a function gave me enough time after getting off the coach to visit a place I had always been meaning to try but never found the opportunity to: Bleecker Burger.
This one comes as a recommendation from my friend Aaron, who always said I should try hit up Bleecker whenever I was in London. Usually my burger of choice when visiting the capital for work was a Five Guys, which, yes, I recognise is a very low bar in terms of burgers but considering I do not have one nearby I always considered it a “treat”.
Bleecker is a lot more simple than Five Guys – you get burgers, burgers with bacon, and stacked burgers with bacon. It is similar with the fries, you can get them plain, topped with “house” sauce, “angry” sauce, or both sauces.
My meal of choice was a standard bacon cheeseburger, house angry fries, and an Oreo milkshake, costing me a total of £21.85, which is actually pretty damn similar to what I paid for a similar meal at Five Guys just over a year ago, £21.65.
So, given the almost identical meal and cost, how does it compare?
First off, the burger. Bleecker definitely do things a lot more simply, and in terms of pure burger & bun quality they definitely exceed the Guys, but I did find myself missing some of the additional crunch and moisture that vegetable toppings or even mayonnaise would bring.
Next, the milkshake. Incredibly thick, creamy, and delicious, there is not much more to say beyond that. A perfect accompaniment to a somewhat indulgent lunch.
Last, but most definitely not least, the house angry fries. These are far and away above the quality of Five Guys, you get a very generous portion for the price without the excess that can come from there, but the sauces drizzled over top are what make the difference. The house sauce is incredibly creamy with a little bit of tang whilst the angry sauce has a decent kick without being painfully spicy, adding a delicate tingle to the tongue forming a perfect side dish.
Do I intend to return to Bleecker? That is a definite maybe. The quality and care is definitely there in the food, but there is still something oddly nostalgic in Five Guys for me.
Though there is definitely plenty in London for me to try in terms of burger joints, so maybe next time I have the privilege of coming by this part of the country.
That covers everything for today, thank you for reading today’s edition of the Redundancy Review. Wherever you are I hope you are able to enjoy your weekend, you deserve all the relaxation time in the world.
Good morning fugitives and escapees, welcome to Day 140 to 142 of Rosalia Rambles Redundancy Review.
Coming back to write after a busy few days. On Tuesday I had no time to write between work slamming me down before going out with my dad for the evening, and Wednesday was trying to spend some social time with friends before once more playing Clair Obscur.
And now that I finally have a moment to write I find myself mentally preparing for a trip to London tomorrow to go to Metal Gear in Concert on Saturday before returning that evening and hopefully heading out on Sunday to see a group of old friends.
Hopefully I will be able to write in between all that, but honestly I am mainly looking forward to having some escapism for myself away from my work.
Time away from my desk has been the main saving grace of the stress I have been under lately, especially considering writing is still not coming as easily to me as I would like it to. Going out with my dad, immersing myself in a fantasy world, and taking trips away from the place I live have all helped me step back to gain some perspective on my current situation.
Though, I have always been someone who appreciates good escapism – books, video games, or even just my own thoughts backed with some good music. Having the ability to disappear from the world for any length of time usually helps me out, but with the amount of pain I have been feeling lately, this is definitely harder than before.
Sometimes I wonder whether I should be using words like pain, hurt, or any other synonym that can describe the emotions that my depression inflicts upon my soul. Part of me feels it would be better to not go into such detail considering this is a website that faces outwards as a representative of myself.
But then I reflect.
And know that out there, someone somewhere might need to hear what I have to say.
As confirmation that they are not alone in this world, and that they can escape into my writings to get away from whatever may be causing them pain.
It is a bit of wishful thinking, but it is the reason I believe the written word always needs to exist as an artform.
“Art should comfort the disturbed and disturb the comfortable”
I do not know how much of the latter I am able to do, but if I can at least achieve the former through what I write down and achieve some sense of relatedness within people who are reading, then I will consider myself successful.
Even through my own pain, and as my schedule slips for all manner of different reasons, I will try my best to continue writing.
For both my and your escapism.
Good news is that I at least have some kind of a review topic thanks to going out on Tuesday… if the schedule had held together then I would have actually had a decent week worth of review material, but alas, balancing everything that is required of me is still a difficult task.
As part of my adventure out with my dad on Tuesday evening, we went to an Indian restaurant called “Mowgli”, a British chain focusing on street food style dishes. Everything above was paid for by my dad, so thanks for that!
Specifically what was recommended to me by my dad was the Diwali Cauliflower and Yoghurt Chat Bombs in the first picture. The former is a delicately spiced half-head of cauliflower while the latter was a crisp puff bread filled with yoghurt and chickpeas which, true to the name of “bomb”, exploded into flavour once you put it into your mouth.
The dishes I tried are in the second picture: the Mowgli Chip Butty and the Monkey Wrap. Both on a foundation of roti bread, with the former being stuffed with their signature fenugreek fries and an assortment of chutneys, and the latter being an open roti wrap topped with spinach & mint leaves, tandoori chicken, and the same assorted chutneys.
The Monkey Wrap was definitely my highlight, especially as after taking one or two bits of chicken off the top it was the perfect amount of filling to pick it up like a giant Indian street food taco and eat it with one hand.
Plus this definitely scratches the itch more for me than curry does. I am not sure what it is, whether I am yet to find the specific sauce that appeals to my palate but I have never developed a fondness for curry. Indian snacks and tandoori? Cannot get enough, but sauce served with rice or naan? Nope, never got a taste for it.
That will do it for today, hopefully I will be able to write a bit more tomorrow, but unsure what the rest of the weekend will look like. Thank you for reading today’s edition of the Redundancy Review. Wherever you are I hope you are able to relax and take heart that the weekend is soon upon us.
Good morning swordsmen and pikemen, welcome to Day 135 of Rosalia Rambles Redundancy Review.
Starting this one pretty late in the evening compared to how I normally get these done, had basically no chance to breathe during work today followed by a lunch where I was purely focused on recovery, before finishing up for the day and deciding that I wanted to focus primarily on eating for the night alongside playing some Clair Obscur: Expedition 33.
Absolutely fantastic game by the way, I am just over four hours into the game currently and I am having the time of my life. I think it might end up being too big to do a proper Redundancy Review on, but I definitely want to talk about it at some stage. The themes of the story, the writing, and especially the music are all top-notch with so much to say about all of it.
But for now, I want to write.
I have talked at length over the last couple of weeks about what the “purpose” of the Redundancy Review is. Documenting change, giving myself the opportunity to look back on where I was, and to clear my head from a busy day – though there is one painfully obvious purpose I have yet to talk about.
It keeps my brain sharp, and my writing skills in use almost every day, which I can see the results of in my everyday life… for the most part.
When friends or my partner ask for writing assistance, it usually comes quickly to me, be it for a quick naming suggestion, help in jazzing up some paragraphs for a job application, or even for the rare commission.
However, the fun part comes when I am asked to write any form of professional email at work. Deep down I know what I need to write and how to handle myself in any work correspondence, having done the task for almost two years after my mentor let me get hands on with production work.
But there is something that comes with doing that task that causes me to freeze up and overthink about what I need to write, performing several rewrites and word changes to make sure I am not coming off overly harsh, too friendly, or somehow sounding like I do not know what I am doing.
This has reminded me of two pieces of advice that both my mentor and the producer I worked incredibly closely with have given me. The former comes in regards to me talking to her about my overthinking once:
“Yes, I know you are an overthinker. That is why I do not give you the chance to think and give you so much to do so you focus on that instead.”
Harsh? Yes… but she has a point. If I am given enough to work on, and the work is sufficiently stimulating to my brain, I find myself getting into a rhythm before long which seriously helps quiet my brain.
The second piece of advice came as the producer and I talked about me going overly formal on client calls, making me wonder about the nature of professionalism:
“Professionalism is delivering your points clearly and not saying fuck.”
That one in particular has stuck with me, and it has actually helped inform how I handle professional interactions, letting myself sound more natural in how I explain things. I still go a little robotic from time to time, but my delivery has relaxed immensely.
In a way it is funny, I always worried about my professionalism when it came to delivering my work output, which itself is delivered on calls where a large portion of my plushie collection is on show for my colleagues to look at.
I do use virtual backgrounds when talking to external clients, as much as I feel like it would be a conversation starter.
For now though, I keep myself sharp through writing these reviews… which I should probably try write a review segment for today…
…yeah, let us have a “VThursday” as a complement to VTuesday, even though the name does not roll off the tongue the same way.
This was something I actually ordered back right before I lost my job, a canvas panel from the “holoAnimArt” series, a collection of original art depicting Hololive members as the animals that they adopt features from for their VTuber model. Being a massive Shirakami Fubuki fan, as I have talked about before on the Redundancy Review, it was a no-brainer to pick up.
I am surprisingly blown away by the quality of both the included print and the wooden easel it comes with for display purposes. The canvas itself has a loop in the back if I wanted to mount it on a wall instead but I really like the presentation of the easel, gives it a more rustic feeling that matches with the more realistic depiction of the Hololive member as an animal.
The only gripe I have with it, and this is most definitely a “first world VTuber fan” problem, is that because of the size of the easel and the canvas it does not fit well onto my pre-existing, yet admittedly overflowing, Fubuki shrine, so I either have to display it on its lonesome or commit to doing a full rearrangement of my displays in order to build a better Fubuki shrine.
You know, if that is one of the biggest problems facing me right now, then my life really is not that bad, for all the overthinking my brain likes to inflict upon me.
But that will do it for today, thank you for reading today’s edition of the Redundancy Review, my every day writing practice. Wherever you are I hope you are able to relax, it is Friday tomorrow, and the weekend is beckoning us ever closer.
Good morning thinkers and ponderers, welcome to Day 129 of Rosalia Rambles Redundancy Review.
I had a good evening last night, where the anxiety I had been feeling throughout the week almost completely receded. I was able to be silly with my partner once more and we even played Monster Hunter Wilds for half an hour – a far cry from how active I have been in video games even within recent months, but still a positive amount of progress.
Though I find myself needing to remember that progress is most definitely not linear, as I woke up this morning back to being on the verge of panic attacks and finding myself rotting in bed until the late hours of the morning, struggling to move for fear of the thumping in my chest becoming so much worse as my balance becomes unsteady.
But I kept in mind the ultimate message of what the Redundancy Review represents: to keep moving, no matter the circumstances.
So I went for a walk in the local park, walking alongside the river with a mocha from a small local stand, which was actually my first coffee since Monday due to how unsettled my stomach has been, though it was not even for the hit of caffeine. For once I wanted to drink coffee purely for the experience of drinking coffee, albeit my usual mix of chocolate and coffee.
Fresh air was definitely needed, and even though I still found myself scrolling through social media on my phone as I sat on a memorial bench close to the waterfront; being away from my bedroom helped massively, and let me try organise my thoughts into something coherent.
If there has been one thing that has carried me through my career, it is my adaptability. Through the games industry, through the extended-reality industry, and now as a contractor, there is no denying that whilst I will bitch, moan, and cry, I will adapt to the requirements of the role to step up to whatever challenge comes my way.
Sometimes this does mean I need to break, because this is not the first time I have needed to slam on the emergency brakes during my career, in fact it was only during 2023 where I did not need to take an extended period of time off due to stress. But there is one common theme from all those breakages: I came back, and I carried on, taking on the lessons learned from that breakage.
Each time I thought my world was going to end, I was reminded of why I am on this earth, and why I choose to carry on each time. I can look back on several incidents over the last five years that threatened to bring me down, and, with the benefit of hindsight, see that I have still made it through, in spite of everything.
My redundancy will soon become another one of those points in my past, something that hurt me deeply in the moment it happened and threw me off the track for a period of time after it, but will eventually become a part of my greater story.
For now though, it is still a traumatic thought in my mind, that even though there was nothing I could have really done to prevent it, and that it was not just me caught up in the wave but all of my talented former colleagues as well due to the whole company going into administration.
But if I look back on my history, and keep in mind why the phoenix is part of my fursona, I always come back. Sometimes I need to reincarnate, but that is okay, because change has only made me stronger…
…note to self write Redundancy Review about my fursona soon, cannot believe I have gone over four months and not talked about being a furry.
Back on track, need to write a review segment for today, and given my partner & I finally got around to watching KPop Demon Hunters on Wednesday, I think I want to talk about my favourite song from the film: What It Sounds Like.
Given that this is the finale song of the film, there is going to be obvious discussion of spoilers ahead for the remainder of the review. If you want to stop reading here, thank you for reading, and I hope you have a fantastic day.
For those intending to stick around, let us get right into it:
Bit of background context, KPop Demon Hunters is a film about three KPop stars, Rumi, Mira, and Zoey, who form the group Huntr/x, performing absolute bangers by day and protecting the human world from demons by night. Early on in the film it is revealed that Rumi is part-demon herself, with the story focusing on her struggles with her own shame in relation to fighting back the main villainous group of the film: The Saja Boys, demons disguised as a KPop boy band.
There is a lot more I can say about the story, but I want to get right in to talking about the song, so in brief: Rumi gets revealed as part-demon to her bandmates, forcing her to flee and allowing the Saja Boys to bring Gwi-Ma, the Demon King, into the mortal world in an attempt to feed him as many souls as possible. Right before there is a mass sacrifice, including Mira, Zoey, and the band’s manager Bobby, Rumi returns to start this final song.
It starts with her admitting she cannot hide what she is anymore, and starting to finally open up to herself & her band mates, with the second verse being:
“I tried to fix it, I tried to fight it
My head was twisted, my heart divided
My lies all collided
I don’t know why I didn’t trust you to be on my side”
As someone who can bottle up things for long periods of time, I heavily relate to these lyrics, especially in the context of being transgender. For someone who accepted they were not cis around the tail-end of 2019 and only told the majority of their friend groups at the start of 2020, the last line of this verse speaks out to me, especially when, outside of my parents, everyone who I have told about my gender has accepted me without hesitation.
However, given what I have talked about today with relation to my redundancy and needing to come back from things that bring me down, it is the first chorus that starts to hit home for me:
“I broke into a million pieces, and I can’t go back
But now I’m seeing all the beauty in the broken glass
The scars are part of me, darkness and harmony
My voice without the lies, this is what it sounds like”
I almost cried hearing this part of the song for the first time, as I see so much of myself in these lyrics. My redundancy effectively broke me, it shattered my perception of what my life currently is, it put my self-esteem issues front-and-centre once more, and it made me fearful for my future.
But ultimately, as much as I have spent the last week pining to go back to when times were simpler, I cannot go back. All I can do is make the most of what has been given to me to work with, which has formed the basis of the voice used for the Redundancy Review: a vulnerable look at my own progress, stumbles, victories, and everything in between.
Everything I have gone through has left an impression on me, and like Rumi, a lot of those impressions are scars/patterns that I could be ashamed of, but I should strive to own them, as they are not exactly going to go away any time soon.
After this, Zoey and Mira join in with the second part of the chorus:
“Why did I cover up the colors stuck inside my head?
I should’ve let the jagged edges meet the light instead
Show me what’s underneath, I’ll find your harmony
The song we couldn’t write, this is what it sounds like”
If it is not already clear, I love finding transgender comparisons in songs, and these lyrics are no exception.
It took a long while for me to fully find a level of self-expression I was comfortable with, and admittedly, I have been struggling in the last couple of months to find the energy to express myself as a transgender woman outside, and even inside, of my flat. The last time I truly dressed as “myself” instead of just dressing comfortably in “egg” mode was VeXpo, but during that time I felt unapologetically me – even as I was walking around the convention hall with plushies dangling from my dress.
No matter how messy it may seem, I need to push myself to go out dressed up as myself, because even if I do not entirely feel like it, because even at my messiest, the jagged edges of my expression make me who I am.
The choruses after the first one carry a single variation in the final line, with:
“The song we couldn’t write, this is what it sounds like”
Changing out for:
“Fearless and undefined, this is what it sounds like”.
Whilst the first chorus relates more to Huntr/x’s story as a whole, given that they struggled to write a new song to take down the Saja boys, each subsequent chorus ending with “Fearless and undefined” shows that despite all the troubles the girls have faced throughout the story, and for all the uncertainty that may come in the future, they are together, and it is the struggles they have endured that will keep them together, even if everything feels “undefined”.
I love this song so much, it has honestly been the song I have listened to the most from the film due to how much I relate to the lyrics. Though I still need a thumbnail picture… god this stuff is hard when I do not just want to screenie Youtube videos…
Okay, swiped the album cover from the Amazon listing for the soundtrack, that should do it.
Thank you for reading today’s edition of the Redundancy Review. Wherever you are I hope you are able to take a chill weekend, mine is going to be occupied with a trip to Swansea for card game related purposes, which should be fun.
Good morning villains and adversaries, welcome to Day 126 to 128 of Rosalia Rambles Redundancy Review.
The core of the Redundancy Review has been vulnerability, about showing the core of myself to the world, to talking about things that worry me and making a written record of my feelings.
With how deep my recent depression has been, and continues to be, I think it is the right time for me to vomit words onto a page in the hopes of unfucking my brain just a little bit.
So here goes nothing…
At my core, I am a deeply insecure person. I am plagued by impostor syndrome on the daily, which infects my work, my hobbies, and my general being. There is a constant nagging voice in the back of my mind telling me that I am not good enough for my current field, hence my desire to switch out of the tech sector into something else.
Like with a good deal of people in the modern age, I worry about what AI means for my job, about whether or not the field I have worked in for the last half a decade is about to be automated away entirely, even as discussions of the issues of the sustainability of the technology rage on. I know AI can be a helpful tool for doing away with menial and repetitive tasks that reduce friction, especially in creative ventures, but right now I feel the technology is being abused too much for the optimistic view to take hold.
Most of all, I feel worried that I am going to lose what I currently have: my partner, my friends, the lifestyle I lead. Even when presented with evidence to the contrary, I find myself losing to the throes of a panic attack as I scream and cry for the pain overtaking my body to stop.
I hold an immense amount of pride for the point I have managed to get my life to. I moved out shortly after turning 24, moving into my remarkably successful tech industry job around the same time… which did end in the redundancy that started this series but let us ignore that bit right now. Mixed in with all those big changes was me starting hormone replacement therapy as part of my transition into being the person I wanted to be, a decision I have never regretted or feel I ever will regret.
For someone who had to rebuild the core of their life post-university due to having grown disdainful of the subject of their degree, I have done extremely well for myself. Ironically I have found myself reapplying some of my degree knowledge as part of my current contracting role, specifically in the usage of the Unity engine – some habits die hard I guess.
But now I find myself almost at a crossroads, unsure of which path I want to walk down. Do I fully commit to the quality assurance route, upskilling myself in automation testing and utilising the fact that I do still have a programmer’s brain for good by hardening my skillset to find even better roles?
Or do I walk away from the path I have travelled so far down to see where the road might fork, seeing where I could put my skills to the test in new sectors, such as charity or civil service?
At the same time I need to ask myself the question of what this all means for my writing. I still want to tell my stories, even when I find myself with limited time on my hands due to the stresses of this world along with my own mind fighting against me, meaning I wish to pursue the mythical “work-life balance” that so many in the tech industry want to talk down on.
All of those questions need answers, but they are most certainly not simple answers. So what do I do in the meantime?
Same thing as I did when I started working in the games industry, not knowing where I could end up.
Same thing as I did when I transitioned over to the technology industry, and was unsure of my place in such a competitive industry.
Same thing as when the news of my redundancy hit, and I did not know where my next paycheck would be coming from.
I keep going.
Even in the face of adversity.
Even when my own insecurities are eating me alive.
Even when I do not know what path the future will hold.
I try my best to keep walking, with all the depression, uncertainty, and pain that comes along with navigating the current state of the world.
And in honour of that, I think I want to talk about one of my favourite pieces of music as a review topic.
For those unaware, I was just ever so slightly an emo kid growing up… yeah, I know, shocking, a trans girl grew up listening to emo music, in other news a fork was found in a kitchen today.
But I was definitely someone who, in addition to a healthy diet of Dragonforce and video game OSTs, enjoyed the music of My Chemical Romance, Linkin Park (RIP Chester Bennington), and the subject of today’s review: Three Days Grace.
What started my interest in the band was, of course, the absolute edgy banger of Animal I Have Become, the background track to everyone’s favourite AMV back in the day. But much like my love of Dragonforce, I went beyond the songs that everyone on the internet knew and looked further into their discography, leading me to discover Life Starts Now.
It… is actually hard for me to do an in-depth lyrical analysis on this, because I think the entire song is a beautiful tale about never giving up and carrying on even when everything is against you, that it is never too late to change the way you have been living to make a new start.
I always like to look at the framing of the song being a conversation between two long-time friends, where one has gone through so much and is desperately tired, whereas the singer is trying to convince them that they have already been through so much that they survived through, that making another fresh start is not exactly going to hurt, and whatever comes next they will likely survive too.
However, I do want to highlight the bridge, and do a little bit of my own analysis from my viewpoint on it:
“All this pain
Take this life and make it yours
All this hate
Take your heart and let it love again
You will survive this somehow”
There are so many ways I like to interpret this. The fantasy nerd in me loves to see this from the perspective of a warrior sacrificing themselves for their companion, giving them another chance at life while also telling them to not let hate consume them, to choose love instead to overcome the grief.
But the more reasonable interpretation is the singer telling their friend that for all the pain they feel, for all the hatred they might feel at the world, and for any hatred they may feel at themselves, none of it is worth holding on to. As someone who has had to overcome many traumas in the course of their life, I know that holding on to pain and anger can very often be a choice, at least in my situation.
Life got a lot better for me once I stopped being angry at the things that were tying me to the past, though this is not to say the emotions are not there within me – they most definitely still are. It is just that I try to live my day-to-day life without holding onto them, and in a way, I have to try apply that same logic to the feelings that the redundancy gave to me.
It will take time, but I will survive this somehow, because through each moment of pain & heartbreak, there is a chance for life to start anew. I just need to be ready to meet that chance.
Took a few days off work and off writing, and I feel I have come back still as strong as ever. Though I need a thumbnail picture…
…yeah, that will do. Friend of mine sent me this image earlier in the week to remind me that I am still able to be successful, even if I do end up changing tracks.
Thank you for reading the Redundancy Review. Wherever you are, I hope you are able to feel relaxed. If you are fighting your own battles, please know you are not alone in any of them. Help is out there if you need it, and the world is brighter for you being in it.
Good morning rudders and canards, welcome to a big catchup post covering Day 114 to 117 of Rosalia Rambles Redundancy Review.
So on top of my period destroying my body entirely, this week was also one where my day job decided to massively ramp up for various deliverables, which obviously takes priority that day over my unpaid writing practice.
Usually, I write the Redundancy Review during my lunch or working on it whilst I wait for apps to upload or process, with the final touches coming after I finish – such as getting the piece into WordPress and adding in the images before publishing & uploading to BlueSky.
But given the intense stress of this week, I reprioritised my evenings into focusing on rest, even reducing the amount of complex cooking I was doing during the week and instead put my energy into making meals that did not require much effort.
And even now when trying to write this out, I feel exhausted. Both mentally and physically, I am still trying to catch up with what happened this week to try get myself back into the mindset of writing every day to keep myself sharp.
There are a lot of topics I still want to cover in my style, and I still have a lot of stories to tell, but for now, I think resting is the priority.
Hence why today’s review is going to be a bit ramshackle due to the fact I will be pulling screenshots off of my hard drive from ages ago to help make my points.
In the dark recesses of Rosalia Rambles history, there exists a review of Ace Combat 7, you can read it here if you so wish, but considering it is nearly five years old at this point, I think it is time I do it justice in my new style and with less of a critical stance & more of my ‘review’ stance.
When it comes to niche Japanese franchises, Ace Combat is definitely up there for me. I got introduced to it by an old friend back during my uni days and, despite being very skeptical that I would enjoy the game, it instead became one of my favourite series of all time.
Wherever you are, old friend, I hope you are doing well in life, and that you are happy. It really was all I wanted for you, even if I could not provide it.
Ace Combat 7 is the most recent entry in the franchise, coming out in 2019, and whilst I have a very respectable playtime on PC; my first experience with the game came on PS4, which I think goes to show how much I enjoyed the game that I decided to rebuy it on a different platform and play through it all again.
The goal of the game is good, clean, arcade-style flight simulator fun. There are twenty campaign missions ranging from your standard “take down bombers and escorts attacking your base” to “destroy the required amount of enemy assets in time”.
Though, I do want to highlight the story of the game along with re-emphasising the year it came out. For coming out in 2019, there is a heavy focus on the usage of drones in war, including the inciting incident of the game being an autonomous drone attack being carried out in the “protagonist” nation using drones hidden in shipping containers.
Considering that exact scenario has played out in the Ukraine/Russia conflict with the former side using that exact tactic on the latter, it feels almost spooky to revisit some of the themes in this game.
If you care about spoilers, here is your small-scale spoiler warning for Ace Combat 7, skip ahead until you see an image of a glowing fighter jet, where I will change topic.
During the game you see cutscenes of your rival ace, Mihaly, taking part in experiments that are providing training data to the drones. Once you get to the final mission, two advanced drones are revealed that are carrying Mihaly’s data, with the objective of uploading that data to drone factories around the world to mass-produce these AI-powered war machines.
Again, this game came out in 2019, and to me having a plotline like this in a game about fighter jets feels ominously prophetic, bordering on Metal Gear Solid 2 levels of a plot being way ahead of its time.
Simultaneously, there is writing that echoes the anti-AI sentiment of today through the message of drones versus human pilots:
Like with most games with a modern military setting, there needs to be a level of media literacy to both appreciate the themes whilst recognising that the game is acting as propaganda for various companies like Lockheed Martin and Boeing, this is often why when I talk about these games my general mantra for discussing them is:
“War bad, planes rad”
(thank you to Oboe Shoes Games on Youtube for that brilliant phrase)
Even in the mission where the above sentence is spoken, you as the “protagonist” are in the midst of committing a war crime by attacking a site of historical slash cultural significance to pillage their supplies, so, the ahead of its time message is balanced out by the horrors.
Anyway, that is enough story discussion, time to put up the signal that people can come back.
Ahh, glowing X-02S Wyvern, you are one of my favourite stupid additions to the game in the form of DLC.
Once again I show I am not immune to propaganda, but that does not minimise my love for this game. Planes are indeed rad, and getting to fly them in video games is one of the most exhilarating experiences I have ever had the pleasure of partaking in. Ace Combat 7 pushed me to my limits as I tried 100%ing the main campaign, doing all the side objectives, hidden aces, and in-game medals.
I still need to properly immerse myself into the multiplayer to bring up my Steam achievement count to the top, but I have proven myself in the way I want to, and that satisfies me.
Ended writing way more than I anticipated about a plane game, but I think this has done what I wanted it to in getting the juices flowing again. Thank you so much for reading today’s edition of the Redundancy Review, wherever you are I hope you are able to make the most of a relaxing Sunday before the Monday blues come back at you.
Ace Combat 7 is available on Steam, Xbox, Playstation, and Switch, so if my review has made you at all curious, give it a go!
Good morning hammerheads and nurses, welcome to Day 110-111 of Rosalia Rambles Redundancy Review.
After a long relaxing weekend where nearly nothing was able to bother me, I now return to my desk full of one thing…
…estrogen.
Yup, the best way to end a fantastic set of days in which I felt the best I have in several months is me entering into the week starting my period once more which brings paranoia and overthinking back into my mind. Yum.
You would think after almost three years of being in this cycle, there would be some measure of “used to this” with the fact my body decides to destroy itself whilst throwing my emotions into flux for up to a week, but nope – it still hits like a truck each time and brings out the worst of my inner monologues to put me in a funk.
I carry on though, in spite of everything that could hold me back, to continue writing the part of my story that I currently find myself in the midst of: one girl trying to find her way in a world that is rapidly changing around her, all the while trying to keep herself on a good mental path.
And sometimes, part of that story is having a brain that decides you need to feel inexplicably worse about everything going on in your life as if there is not a long history of things going your way.
So, rather than go into any of the thinkpieces or in-depth stories I usually like to tell, I am going to go straight into the review section of today, and in honour of Title Update 3 coming out for Monster Hunter Wilds, it is time to go over one of my favourite musical tracks from the game that got me into the franchise as whole: Monster Hunter Rise.
Not only is this one of my favourite tracks, it belongs to a monster I think is in contention for being my all-time favourite within the series as a whole – Crimson Glow Valstrax.
For those who might be unaware, I have a massive fascination with fighter jets due to playing a large amount of Ace Combat, and this interest made me fall in love almost immediately with Valstrax’s design, being a peregrine falcon crossed with a dragon and then because that was somehow nowhere near badass enough, throwing a fucking F-22 Raptor into the mix to form an absolutely gorgeous design.
And that is just its base design, as the Crimson Glow (shortened to CG for ease) variant in Rise takes the base form of Valstrax, adds in an unstable core of dragon energy to increase its aggression, and make its theme a thousand times more terrifying – especially if you are fighting the Risen variant found within the Sunbreak expansion.
If it were not for Rey Dau coming into the mix with Wilds, Valstrax would be my definitive favourite monster outside of my meme pick of Dodogama, but that is a debate for another time.
As additional comparison, I will be comparing CG Valstrax’s theme to the original Valstrax theme from Generations Ultimate, found here. Note: I have not played GU (a cardinal sin, I know), so my impression will be solely based on how I react to the music.
Right from the start, CG Valstrax’s theme presents an aura of intimidation with a choir coming in to herald the arrival of this magnificent creature before launching into the main body of the song, which honestly makes me feel as if I am being relentlessly pursued by an apex predator.
This differs from how the original theme makes me feel, as the progression of the song makes original Valstrax feel like a regal creature – one that is still completely capable of destroying you, but one that views your encounter more like a dance, a coordinated exchange of blows with two equally matched combatants.
CG Valstrax has no such illusions, they are driven solely by the amount of dragon energy coursing through them, and they want you dead.
This is best exemplified during what I refer to as “the chase” section of CG Valstrax’s theme, shortly after the chorus concludes. In the GU version, this starts at the timestamp of 1:15, and honestly, I think there is nothing much to say about what plays out here before it returns to the start of the song.
There are strings, there is choral singing, but this section of the GU theme honestly lets me down compared to how the CG theme plays out at the timestamp of 1:40.
It is entirely possible I am blinded by bias, but you cannot deny how much more impactful “the chase” section of the song sounds in CG Valstrax’s theme, this version is the whole reason I call it “the chase” because it actively sounds as if you are being chased down and the rapid notes of the choral singing is your hunter panicking as this out of control creature bears down on you.
Ultimately though, I love both versions, as I love both versions of Valstrax for what they represent for Monster Hunter. Crazy ideas that sound silly on paper, brought to life through detailed ecology.
Some might disagree and say that Valstrax goes too far along the line of silly, but when you look at the similarly bizarre but beautiful designs of “T-Rex with a flaming sword for a tail” and “wyvern that creates explosive scales out of excreted oils”, I think a peregrine falcon dragon fighter jet is right at home.
That will do it for today, I need to get back to my day job. Thank you for reading today’s edition of the Redundancy Review. Wherever you are, I hope the Monday blues are not bringing you down too hard and that you can find some time to relax today.
As a little bonus, OG Valstrax’s theme won the Hunter’s Choice Best Monster Theme award over a year ago now, and in honour of that it got an EDM-style remix which, like the main themes, sounds absolutely fantastic.
Rosalia Rambles 