(for context on what this series is, please see my Day 1 post here: Redundancy Review: Day 1, “A New Beginning” – Rosalia Rambles)
Good morning bed bugs and dust mites, welcome to Day 144 of Rosalia Rambles Redundancy Review.
Sleep was a rough time for me last night, the hotel bed is comfy enough for sitting up in to write and watch TV but was lacking when it came to actually settle down. The pillows did not offer much support, the mattress is too firm for my tastes, and I forgot to bring a plushie with me to cuddle as I slept.
It was at least a single bed, meaning I did not have to sleep in a space larger than what I needed, which would make me miss my partner more than I already do.
Silly, in a way. We spend so much time together that it should, in theory, be easy for me to be away for a couple days – especially considering we were long distance for two and a half years with very infrequent visits for the majority of that time period.
But I am most definitely someone who struggles without him, which partially drives some of my recent fear, paranoia, and catastrophising. I am terrified of losing the life we have built together through any period of sustained joblessness on my part, especially because I would be absolutely loathe to move back in with my parents. Not because I do not like them – our relationship has actually improved massively over recent years – but because it would represent a major stumble in my path forward.
Everything I have I view as the product of all the hard work I have put in over the last five years, and me of five years ago would never imagine in her wildest dreams that she would have any of what she has today. “Where do you see yourself in five years?” is such a bizarre question to me because outside of a few key moments, none of this I could have predicted or planned for.
So as I slowly lose my relationship with the work that has enabled my current lifestyle, I find fear creeping in that I will lose everything, which I can recognise is catastrophising because I have proof I can minimise my lifestyle to a sustainable degree, and even if I was unable to find full time work, there are options I would be able to take.
Making a change is hard, and even as I take the required steps to try enact that change in myself, I find myself struggling to keep the momentum going. For all my talk of “I will make it”, there is a fear deep within me that I will be in this pain forever.
But I will make it.
This is only temporary, despite everything my mind is telling me.
Sometimes, a moment’s peace is all I need, which segues me nicely into the review topic.
For all the problems I had with the hotel bed, there is one thing this room has that I very rarely encounter in hotels: a bath.
There is a certain appeal I find in taking a bath, sure it might be lovingly described as “soaking in your own filth” by some, but the ability to immerse yourself in a tub of warm water to soothe your aching muscles, lift the weight off your shoulder, and weld together the broken parts of your soul once more is something I will always take advantage of.
This bath was surprisingly accommodating to my height as well, being someone above six feet tall there are a lot of baths that force me to hunch up my legs if I want to get myself properly inside. Whilst I could not fully lay flat in the bath, this one was long enough for me to stretch my legs out and get just below my shoulders submerged in the water.
Additionally, I went to Waitrose before the bath to grab some supplies for the evening, which included two bottles of low-alcohol cider, one of which was the accompaniment to my bath.
Soaking in the water, stretching my legs out, and sipping a crisp apple cider put me at peace like nothing else has in recent weeks. My mind felt quiet, and even though the bath lasted a relatively short twenty minutes, that period of time was absolute bliss.
That covers everything for today, I should probably consider getting ready for Metal Gear tonight. Thank you for reading today’s edition of the Redundancy Review. Wherever you are I hope you are able to enjoy your Saturday, take it easy, have a good drink in the company of great people.
Rosalia Rambles 
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