Rosalia Rambles

Tag: love

  • Redundancy Review: Day 176-201, “Been a While”

    (for context on what this series is, please see my Day 1 post here: Redundancy Review: Day 1, “A New Beginning” – Rosalia Rambles)

    Good morning snorers and dozers, welcome to… basically a catchup post for all of December covering day 176 all the way to 201 of Rosalia Rambles Redundancy Review.

    I really hope I have calculated that day right, I am like ninety-percent sure that is the right number after checking the calendar several times.

    So, I basically wrote for none of December, which is funny, considering I initially was thinking I would be able to write through all of December with things calming down at work as they usually do in the last month of the year…

    …wishful fucking thinking looking back at this month.

    In a way this period of not writing has been both a blessing and a curse. A blessing in that considering I was ill, without internet, and continuing to have my body collapse under the stress of navigating the insane year that 2025 has been, not writing let me focus on rest and recreation more than anything else. I did not need to put myself in a reflective or articulate mood after going through a day of coughing so much I felt I was going to vomit, and could just lie down while letting my brain shut off.

    But it has been a curse because the window where my internet was switched off was the ideal time to do a lot of writing, especially given opening Google Docs is one of the few things my hotspot could do with some reliability. Even if it was just rambling into the void about feeling frustrated by failing health and lack of action on getting my internet restored, though I doubt how productive that would have ultimately been when I was already in a rough mood from the illness itself.

    There is little point in dwelling on what could have been, the main thing is now trying to get myself back in the saddle for semi-regular writing once more to keep my skills sharp, and the story told.

    Speaking of, there are a good handful of story beats I need to catch up on writing down, so I will try my best to recall the last three plus weeks.

    Two major events in close proximity to each other: my birthday which coincided with me doing a fucking job interview at the local council that I did not expect in the slightest. It was a brutal interview, especially since it was my first in-person interview as a working professional in… well, ever. I think I did well, especially given the practical task was something I felt I smashed due to my background, I did stumble and trip over some questions, with my ADHD kicking in for one or two of them where I would forget the latter half of a question requiring me to try recover a coherent answer rapidly.

    Unfortunately I did not get the job, which definitely sent me into a funk for a day or two after getting the news. I had high hopes for myself in my performance and what I had accomplished, along with knowing that getting a full-time job in a local government organisation would greatly re-stabilise my current situation in regards to employment. I can still hold my head up high with what I did, but the disappointment was strong in the moment.

    My current job situation is… ticking on? I am at least not out in the cold before Christmas like so many of my contemporaries in the games industry have found themselves in, which is such a fucking dick move to make someone redundant right before Christmas that it could only be thought up in the mess that is the modern day gaming industry. I have work to be done, and I have built up a wide array of experience as part of being a contractor, so if my situation dictates that I need to become a professional nomad for a bit, then so be it.

    Christmas has come and gone, with the holiday period being surprisingly relaxing for me – something which I have honestly needed. Before finishing (mostly) finishing work for the year I was being plagued with illness like no tomorrow, simultaneously dealing with the remnants of my flu and suddenly picking up a stomach bug as well, leading to awkward days of finding various ways to put my guts under strain. Spending my days sitting on my sofa doing nothing much except playing video games, watching anime, and eating various indulgent bits of food has done wonders for both my mental and physical health, a period of recovery which I am extraordinarily privileged to have.

    I have a lot to say that will probably suit my year end ramble a bit more, for once having a place to put it that is not just throwing it out into the void, and I will be trying to make an effort to finish the year off strong in terms of writing, but no guarantees.

    Right now the story is in a calm before the storm when a new year begins, and a new brand of chaos is ushered in.

    That said, there is one thing in my life that always helps me make sense of the chaos. Something that I can rely on at all times, or rather, someone.

    This is my partner, or rather, it is a VRChat model of his fursona. This is my favourite picture he has ever taken of it due to how memeable the expression is.

    In the past he and I have discussed the notion of me “reviewing” him on the Redundancy Review, but given the events of recent days, I think now is a good time to do something of the sorts.

    We have known each other five years now, been in a relationship for coming up to four years of that time, and have been living together for a year and a half now. There have been challenges, ups and downs, and times where we have needed space from each other, but honestly?

    Nothing has ever got to the point where it is like: “this is the true test of our relationship”. Honestly we are not the kind of people to see things in such an absolute way, nothing is ever so severe that we think our love is being put to the test and that whatever situation we are in will “make or break” our feelings for each other.

    Are there tough moments? Absolutely, I would be doing a disservice to our story to try paint everything as rosy and perfect, but simultaneously, we have never really had any major arguments over anything and have never found ourselves to be angry at each other. Our love is just that strong that anything that could blow up into that for another couple is a simple hurdle for us – we get each other on a deeply emotional level and that has helped our relationship go far.

    He is extraordinarily patient with me as well, helping me to navigate through my various neurotic moments and easing me through panic attacks, working to make me comfortable afterwards so I can recover my strength and get back to being the Rosa I want to be. 

    There is nothing I would not do for him in return, and wanting to give us both a good life is one of my driving forces. We have worked hard to get where we are, and there is very little I would not do for him when the moment comes… genuinely, I waged a one woman war on a group of smug elitist pricks from an online fashion community because they made him cry. 

    If you are from that community and are reading my posts because you also feel the need to cyberstalk me in addition to him: I hope your conscience eats you alive one day, I hope one day the weight of the world collapses in on you, and you realise the error of your ways by assuming guilt rather than innocence.

    It took a while for me to find someone who gets me the way my partner gets me, but I am so happy I found him, and there is nothing in my life I am more thankful for.

    That about covers all of the major events that have happened in the past three weeks since I have not been writing. Here’s to ending off 2025 stronger than it started… not a difficult goal all things considered.

    Thank you for reading today’s edition of the Redundancy Review. Wherever you are, I hope the holiday season has been good to you. This time of the year can be tough for many, either missing family they loved or enduring family who do not love the real them. Cherish the ones who cherish you, and shield yourself from the pain that those who neglect you inflict.

  • Redundancy Review: Day 172-174: “Showing Up”

    (for context on what this series is, please see my Day 1 post here: Redundancy Review: Day 1, “A New Beginning” – Rosalia Rambles)

    Good morning absentees and truants, welcome to Day 172-174 of Rosalia Rambles Redundancy Review.

    It finally looks as though I am heading out the other end of everything that kicked off last week. My pestilence symptoms have mostly abated aside from a particularly persistent cough that really does not want to go away, and after much pestering of my internet service provider, there is a… sort of resolution to the whole “internet line being cut” thing.

    Put simply, they have to go through a much longer process to reconnect us to the internet due to being on copper lines. Copper lines are being phased out in the UK in favour of fibre, rightfully so mind given how behind some infrastructure is in this country, but it means that old copper lines that get cut off without replacement have a layer of bureaucracy to them.

    On the plus side, the call I had to do this morning was with customer retention who managed to get me a lovely deal together to reduce my monthly payments as part of getting me back online, which I definitely cannot complain about – especially given as the guy I talked to was lovely.

    For now though I find myself working off my phone’s hotspot data, which I thankfully upgraded for this month with the hunch that it would still take a while for my situation to resolve itself. Unlimited data for working and scrolling, lets me keep busy this month at least.

    My hotspot does sort of lead into the topic I wanted to write about today, and ties into me jumping around all last week to co-working spaces and libraries in order to get my work done. It traces back to one of my qualities of “this is really good on paper but I somewhat resent having it”: no matter the hardship, I try my best to show up.

    World collapsing? Trauma resurfacing? Period pains? Does not matter, I will push myself to show face at work and do what I can on a given day. Does this usually lead to me being way below where I would normally be in terms of productivity? Obviously, but I still believe that any progress is good progress, even if it takes an hour to do a test run because of a hacking cough that gets irritated by moving about in VR too much.

    It is what marked me as someone reliable, and that reliability is what people came to appreciate about me. Even as I find myself doubting what this means for me as a professional in the current world, the fact I try to keep up an output of any sorts even when under stress or strain is something that can be considered admirable about me.

    Something to consider when I inevitably end up redrafting my CV after the end of this contract, trying to spin a more consistent story about myself as an individual and selling myself that way. Part of me worries that this site will put me at a disadvantage when it comes to applying to jobs in future given I quite literally wear my heart on my sleeve in these pieces, but, I would rather die honest than live any more days with my mind caged up…

    …that got needlessly dramatic, but hey ho.

    Anyway, as expected for this end of year period, I have not got much to explicitly review, but I do have a screenshot from my latest Stardew session played with only a minor amount of scuff due to the hotspot which I want to talk about.

    This is the inside of my house on my main Stardew playthrough with a friend of mine, and whilst the farm is gradually approaching its final form; the interior decorating side of things is taking up a bit more time.

    The main achievement from this latest play session is down in the bottom-left corner, where a retro-styled cafe has started to take shape next to my kitchen in the dining room extension, something which was added in the most recent 1.6 update. Outside of that I have a fish tank going on with the majority of the legendary fish in there, though there is a lot of empty space to still fill up.

    In Stardew at least, I like using my in-game houses as museums to my achievements, collecting every sort of unique reward or challenging collectibles, as you can probably tell from all the paintings on the wall that I have gathered throughout the game.

    Considering there is still much more to do in this playthrough, I am almost certain I will be able to show a better version of this house in the near future.

    That will cover everything for today, a short journal updating where I am, rambling about something in my head, and talking about something I have done recently. A pretty formulaic article, but thank you all the same for reading today’s edition of the Redundancy Review. Wherever you are, I hope you have a wonderful December to finish out your year, and that the season does not bring you too much chaos.

  • Redundancy Review: Day 167-170, “What Can Go Wrong Has Gone Wrong”

    (for context on what this series is, please see my Day 1 post here: Redundancy Review: Day 1, “A New Beginning” – Rosalia Rambles)

    Good morning disaster bisexuals and chaotic lesbians, welcome to Day 167 to 170 of Rosalia Rambles Redundancy Review.

    So, I said in my previous article that I had mostly managed to avoid going down too hard with the pestilence my partner had been afflicted with…

    …yeah I spoke way too soon, got hit hard on Monday & Tuesday to the point I had to take time off work to recover, something I am usually very loathe to do for physical conditions as I can usually just persevere through them with the power of Lucozade and high-strength painkillers to keep my energy up and the discomfort down respectively.

    But getting tonsillitis as a fucking twenty-seven year old woman was not on my bingo card, having only had the disease once before when I was a child which now makes me regret not having the bastard things out while I could have.

    Though, given my younger self was absolutely terrified at the idea of surgery, I cannot exactly blame her for not going along with that idea and taking the antibiotic route instead, however disgusting it tasted. 

    The week started off rough, but by Wednesday I was… mostly… ready to bring myself to my desk one way or another to get back into the flow of things and let myself focus on something productive during the day which was not sleeping or seven hour Youtube videos of Metal Gear Solid playthroughs.

    Or rather, that is what I would have done, if not for my internet line being disconnected during the night.

    Somehow, someone accidentally put in my address for usage as part of an internet contract, and rather than the infrastructure company doing any amount of due diligence or even sending an engineer round to the flat to confirm that the work needed doing, they put an “unsolicited cease” on my line at three in the goddamn morning.

    This led to me putting in a very snotty, very stressed out call to my ISP who, to their immense credit, has been patient and understanding with my frustrations around this issue, answering any of my questions to their best ability even when the answer is “I do not really know”.

    Though good quality customer service does not reduce the annoyance that comes from having a vital service cut off, not just for mine and my partner’s relaxation time, but for my actual fucking livelihood too. I am a remote worker working for an organisation which has no head office for me to go into instead whilst I wait for my internet issues to be resolved, leading to me draining both mine and my partner’s hotspot on the Wednesday before booking myself into a local co-working space today.

    On top of all this, my partner is still suffering hard from their own illness as well, with the both of us feeling incredibly nauseous after eating pizza on the Monday before giving in and resorting back to the classic sick person comfort food of tomato soup on the Tuesday. Being ill is hard enough, but not being able to indulge in food that normally brings us both comfort has made navigating this period of illness even more difficult.

    Hence the title, cause with the way this week has been, it genuinely does feel like at every turn, I have been met with stone walls and road blocks.

    But I am still going.

    Somehow.

    I am going to be honest, I do not really know how I am still going after the week I have had. Regular readers will know I aim to deliver a positive message when it comes to me telling this story, about persevering even when the odds are against me, about keeping going even if the cards dealt are not what I was anticipating.

    And for the most part, that is still happening. Even if the timelines are not yet clear, I know everything I am suffering through right now will pass, and there are still spots of hope beyond the horizon.

    Right now though?

    Credit to @Basil_Mage on Twitter for this beautiful image, certainly captures the mood I am in right now.

    Hopefully the weekend calms down for me a little bit, if just to let myself vegetate in bed for a couple hours if the internet stays off. Should be getting an upgraded data contract sometime over the weekend though, set that in motion as a contingency in case what is currently happening to me happened and I had no clear idea when my internet was going to come back, small benefit of the current phone plan I have, I can actually flex what I pay and get varying amounts of data in return.

    That is about all the writing energy my body can provide me today, but at least this means I have written something mid-week rather than waiting till the weekend, which I am definitely taking as a plus. Thank you for reading this edition of the Redundancy Review, wherever you are I hope you are dealing with less shit than I am, and that the weekend on the horizon looks to be a relaxing one for you.

  • Redundancy Review: Day 152-158, “A Not So Good Writing Week”

    (for context on what this series is, please see my Day 1 post here: Redundancy Review: Day 1, “A New Beginning” – Rosalia Rambles)

    Good morning puppies and kittens, welcome to me trying to catch up for a week of not writing in a post that covers day 152 to 158 of Rosalia Rambles Redundancy Review.

    Yup.

    This week has not been a productive week at all for writing. Taking into account work stress, personal stress, regular depression, seasonal depression, adjusting to my antidepressant medication,  and somehow getting a migraine even though I am not prone to them, there was very little time to sit down and write after completing daily activities alongside decompression time.

    And I feel perfectly okay with this.

    In the past I would have experienced an extreme amount of guilt over this fact, feeling as if I had failed as a writer due to not being able to keep to a regular posting schedule which forms the basis of my writing practice, working towards my goal of being able to make a living out of this passion.

    But I feel good, possibly down to the sertraline kicking in properly removing the sluggishness I had been experiencing as part of the adjustment period, leaving me feeling less physically tired today than I have been during the week. There is still a degree of “existential tiredness” as I call it, less a physical state of exhaustion and more feeling worn out by my current routine.

    That said, yesterday was actually one of my best work days in a while. I was actually able to find my rhythm in my tasks and get a substantial chunk of work done in a day, something I had found a great deal of struggle in earlier in the week. Stuff would get chunked down throughout the week as I was still on shift, but I ended the day feeling behind the curve on what I had set out to do.

    I am still taking steps to change my current situation, there are a handful of jobs I need to apply for over the weekend that sound right up my alley, and even outside of that the fact I have found my rhythm in working again should mean that the days go by quicker than before, pushing me towards more exciting events in my life such as my birthday, Christmas, and the obligatory Christmas break where I can find time to indulge in all sorts of gaming activities as I finally have proper, uninterrupted rest.

    There is still much on the horizon that I could worry about, but, I find myself oddly at peace right now…

    …god antidepressants are great, it has actually been so damn long since I have had this level of stability. 

    Suppose I should actually do a proper review segment today as well to make the most of this energy, and there has been something in the back of my mind I have wanted to discuss on the Redundancy Review ever since my partner and I watched it together on the sofa, the final race of Umamusume: Pretty Derby Season 2.

    Spoilers ahead for Umamusume: Pretty Derby Season 2, so uh, look away if you care about horse girls

    Still with me? Rad, time to embed the clip in.

    Small bit of admin before I get into this, I do not endorse Crunchyroll as a service, especially after they have swapped their subtitle company to one that heavily advertises the use of AI in their transcription services. Localisation is an art form that is extremely underappreciated and the use of AI in this area leaves a lot of nuance to be lost from the delicate fine tuning a skilled human localisation specialist can provide.

    However, this is the best clip I could find on Youtube of the “Miracle Run” as it is called, Tokai Teio’s final race after a series of injuries, hurdles, and setbacks. Throughout this season there are several moments where Teio is told she will not be able to race the same way as she used to, and whilst she has moments of victory, there is still a lot of difficulty in trying to run to the standard she wants to be.

    This is likened and contrasted with the struggles of her friend, Mejiro McQueen, who has developed a muscular disorder that also threatens to end her career as a professional racer for fear of losing her mobility entirely. Teio uses this as fuel on her journey to win the Arima Kinen, a race where fans vote on the participants.

    What the clip does not show is the preamble before the final stretch, Teio is close to the rear of the pack, not being able to make up positions as her trainer, teammates, and fans all wonder if she is now truly past her prime as an elite horse girl…

    …right up until the moment where she starts zooming through the competition, moving up several positions as the commentator says:

    “Tokai Teio is moving up!”

    And pauses.

    “Tokai Teio is moving up?!”

    Everyone was surprised by Teio being able to run like she used to, taking over several similarly skilled competitors, right up until she gets behind Biwa Hayahide, acknowledging the amount of strain her body is under as she flashes back to the challenges she has faced over the season, several moments where she could have quit for good.

    And as she builds up for the final spurt, McQueen, her trainer, and her idol Symboli Rudolf all egg her on to give it her all. Several other fans all encourage her, including the doctor who told her she might never be able to run the same way again,  seeing a legend be made in real time in front of them, as Tokai Teio, someone who has not step foot on a racetrack in over a year, wins the Arima Kinen.

    Being real, the entire Season 2 of Umamusume made both me and my partner cry at a lot of different moments – especially when being presented with Teio’s struggles. There is a moment in the tenth episode where footage is shown of Twin Turbo winning a race for her to dedicate it to Teio in the hopes she would run again, which is followed by all of Teio’s friends encouraging her not to quit as well, eventually leading to the events of the miracle run.

    We bawled our eyes out at that scene, as we both found relatedness in Teio’s struggles of feeling like she was not good enough no matter how hard she tried to overcome her challenges. In general watching Umamusume is way more emotional that either of us realised, we got super invested in all of the character’s arcs across all three seasons currently released in a way that caught us completely off guard. There is a surprising amount of emotion in an anime about reincarnated horse girls racing together.

    As always, need a thumbnail when I am talking about a video, and got this pretty decent screengrab from the clip above of Team Spica and their trainer cheering on Teio. 

    My favourite out of the bunch is Daiwa Scarlet, which is the orange-haired one with the tiara. She has such a cool design and I always find her rivalry with Vodka to be entertaining.

    Good to see I can still write after being out of practice for so long, and that will do it all for today’s edition of the Redundancy Review. Thank you very much for reading. Wherever you are I hope you are able to enjoy the weekend and recover from whatever might have brought you down during the week.

    Go watch Umamusume: Pretty Derby through your streaming method of choice.

  • Redundancy Review: Day 147, “Dreams”

    (for context on what this series is, please see my Day 1 post here: Redundancy Review: Day 1, “A New Beginning” – Rosalia Rambles)

    Good morning dreamers and nappers, welcome to Day 147 of Rosalia Rambles Redundancy Review.

    Something I miss a lot from my recent experiences with stress is that I have not been having any dreams lately, which makes me a bit sad honestly – not that I can really remember most of what happens in my dreams anyway due to not keeping a dream journal, but the ability to go inside of my mind for a sensory experience before my alarm goes off to rouse me out of sleep is something I oddly enjoy.

    Still capable of having nightmares though, though admittedly they are as infrequent as my dreams right now which is relieving. Specifically when it comes to having nightmares I can struggle to differentiate between what happened in the dream and what happened in real life, something that has actually led me to believing what happened in the nightmare before I snap myself out of it.

    My fascination with dreaming most likely comes from my love of stories, the idea that I can go to sleep with the ability to experience an almost nonsensical story produced by the random thoughts my sleeping brain comes up with has a strange appeal to it.

    But, as usual with me being a writer, the title has a double meaning, as I want to ramble about what my dreams are in an aspirational sense, and why despite the fact they feel so far away right now, I want to keep working towards them. This is partially inspired by a conversation I had with a friend over lunch about my current situation in relation to job searching, personal pursuits, and life in general.

    Let me start with the obvious one: writing. I would love to be able to make it as a writer somehow, either as a freelancer with reliably stable regular gigs with clients who love what I do or as an in-house dedicated copywriter for some kind of digital agency, though I know in this current economy that is one hell of an ask, especially given my minimal experience as a formal copywriter. Plenty of examples and instances throughout my career, just harder to sell than someone who has been doing it a lot longer than I.

    It would also be nice if I could monetise Rambles in some way, which I sort of already do with commissions (contact me for commission rates, I would be happy to work on anything you like (yes anything)), but that is also a similarly tall task to make it support all of my expenses.

    For now though, Rambles is my creative outlet, something to keep my mind active and my skills honed against the tide of AI-generated content. Hopefully when my life calms down a bit I will be able to write more fiction and get to some of the more in-depth pieces I always promised myself I would create.

    My dreams are not limited to writing though, some of them are logical, some of them are… a little more esoteric.

    I would love to make my own card game one day. I have grown up playing all sorts of tabletop games, from starting out with Warhammer 40k in my local library, to being introduced to the GOATed deckbuilder that is Star Realms, before I was finally brought down to the gutter when I got into Magic: the Gathering back in 2017. Like most people who spent their time playing those sorts of games, I have ideas and concepts I would love to bring to life one day, from translating the concept of a fighting game to cardboard to making my own deckbuilder themed around aerial combat.

    There is also the concept of “dream cosplays” I would love to do. Obviously Shiori Novella from Hololive English is still right up there, especially given the events of this year where a commissioner severely let me down, but there is also Princess Rosalina from Super Mario Galaxy, the character who (sort of) gave me my name and acted as one of my first egg-cracking moments. So many amazing outfits I would love to wear and goof around in, making both my current self and my inner child extremely happy.

    And finally, the more esoteric one, well, at least it feels esoteric to me.

    I would love to learn how to dance.

    Not just any style of dance – I would love to learn how to dance like my idols in Hololive.

    Whenever a concert comes around, whenever one of the Holomems has a chance to perform live on stage, I watch their dances with fascination and glee, hoping one day I could learn to dance like that myself. Admittedly this did not start with Hololive, as this fascination dates all the way back to when I listened to Luka Luka Night Fever for the first time, but the interest in idol dances definitely ramped up with discovering Hololive.

    Which perfectly leads into what I want to discuss for today’s VTuesday, the first ever full cross-generation Hololive song: Shiny Smily Story, specifically the “call & response practice” version the main channel posted before 4th fes.

    The description does not lie. This is the idol song that represents Hololive, and even as new anthems for different fes and events come along, there will always be something incredibly special about what this song represents, either it be the highs of talents coming together to spread the joy of Hololive, or the inevitable lows that come alongside a graduation where a music box version of this song is used as backing over clips of significant moments.

    Reason I chose this version specifically as this is the most recent posting of the full version with subtitled lyrics, there is a version from when the song was first released back in 2020 but I have always felt a greater resonance with the translated lyrics in this version, so it is the interpretation I want to use for analysis.

    One of the first thing that catches me attention with these lyrics is the use of digital terminology as part of some of the verses, really playing with the fact that Hololive is an agency of virtual idols, examples including:

    “I tweaked the settings of my quivering heart

    So that I wouldn’t feel scared”

    “As I go, I’ll hit delete

    On any thoughts of giving up”

    I always love when Hololive, and hell VTubers in general, really lean into the digital space they occupy, utilising the unique nature of the medium to do interesting things, and small, cute little references to their own digital medium are very sweet.

    The next part I want to talk about is the bridge before the final chorus, and the other main inspiration behind the subject of today’s article. When I first read these lyrics all the way back in 2023, I felt myself tear up a little bit at their meaning, and honestly even two years later I still get misty eyed reading them:

    “I wanna take the stage I’ve dreamed of at last

    Shine with colors no one else has

    Cry my eyes out once in a while

    Get back up again with a smile

    Share the futures that we can see

    Make our dreams a reality

    It’s make or break

    Come on and take a leap of faith”

    There is so much meaning to me in these lyrics, both for what I see in my oshi Holomems and what I can see in myself. 

    For the former meaning, being able to perform on stage can be the realisation of a long-standing dream, with the bright & bold colours of their idol outfit on full display. It can be a long journey, one that will be marked with sadness and hardship, but should never be given up on, because there is a future where that journey pays off, and all the previous hard times show that you have made it, whatever leaps of faith taken paid off in the end.

    And as for the latter meaning?

    Well, I think I ended up summarising what it means for me when I talked about the idol journey above, with just a few context tweaks it becomes more personal to me.

    I know my long-term future is good, because I have the drive and work ethic to deliver what my future needs. There will be hurdles, roadblocks, and stumbles galore, but so long as I can roll with the punches and trust where my feet will land with each step, I am certain I will make it.

    There is not actually much else I want to say about SSS, that bridge covers practically everything else I could say about the song. Through highs, lows, positives, negatives, the dream will always be there.

    Do need a thumbnail though…

    Yeah, best fox friend will work.

    That will cover everything for today, and good timing cause it is almost 10pm here – damn work schedule. Thank you for reading today’s edition of the Redundancy Review. Wherever you are I hope you are able to relax and look forward to the rest of your week. 

  • Redundancy Review: Day 144, “Been in worse beds”

    (for context on what this series is, please see my Day 1 post here: Redundancy Review: Day 1, “A New Beginning” – Rosalia Rambles)

    Good morning bed bugs and dust mites, welcome to Day 144 of Rosalia Rambles Redundancy Review.

    Sleep was a rough time for me last night, the hotel bed is comfy enough for sitting up in to write and watch TV but was lacking when it came to actually settle down. The pillows did not offer much support, the mattress is too firm for my tastes, and I forgot to bring a plushie with me to cuddle as I slept.

    It was at least a single bed, meaning I did not have to sleep in a space larger than what I needed, which would make me miss my partner more than I already do.

    Silly, in a way. We spend so much time together that it should, in theory, be easy for me to be away for a couple days – especially considering we were long distance for two and a half years with very infrequent visits for the majority of that time period. 

    But I am most definitely someone who struggles without him, which partially drives some of my recent fear, paranoia, and catastrophising. I am terrified of losing the life we have built together through any period of sustained joblessness on my part, especially because I would be absolutely loathe to move back in with my parents. Not because I do not like them – our relationship has actually improved massively over recent years – but because it would represent a major stumble in my path forward.

    Everything I have I view as the product of all the hard work I have put in over the last five years, and me of five years ago would never imagine in her wildest dreams that she would have any of what she has today. “Where do you see yourself in five years?” is such a bizarre question to me because outside of a few key moments, none of this I could have predicted or planned for.

    So as I slowly lose my relationship with the work that has enabled my current lifestyle, I find fear creeping in that I will lose everything, which I can recognise is catastrophising because I have proof I can minimise my lifestyle to a sustainable degree, and even if I was unable to find full time work, there are options I would be able to take.

    Making a change is hard, and even as I take the required steps to try enact that change in myself, I find myself struggling to keep the momentum going. For all my talk of “I will make it”, there is a fear deep within me that I will be in this pain forever.

    But I will make it.

    This is only temporary, despite everything my mind is telling me.

    Sometimes, a moment’s peace is all I need, which segues me nicely into the review topic.

    For all the problems I had with the hotel bed, there is one thing this room has that I very rarely encounter in hotels: a bath.

    There is a certain appeal I find in taking a bath, sure it might be lovingly described as “soaking in your own filth” by some, but the ability to immerse yourself in a tub of warm water to soothe your aching muscles, lift the weight off your shoulder, and weld together the broken parts of your soul once more is something I will always take advantage of.

    This bath was surprisingly accommodating to my height as well, being someone above six feet tall there are a lot of baths that force me to hunch up my legs if I want to get myself properly inside. Whilst I could not fully lay flat in the bath, this one was long enough for me to stretch my legs out and get just below my shoulders submerged in the water.

    Additionally, I went to Waitrose before the bath to grab some supplies for the evening, which included two bottles of low-alcohol cider, one of which was the accompaniment to my bath.

    Soaking in the water, stretching my legs out, and sipping a crisp apple cider put me at peace like nothing else has in recent weeks. My mind felt quiet, and even though the bath lasted a relatively short twenty minutes, that period of time was absolute bliss.

    That covers everything for today, I should probably consider getting ready for Metal Gear tonight. Thank you for reading today’s edition of the Redundancy Review. Wherever you are I hope you are able to enjoy your Saturday, take it easy, have a good drink in the company of great people.

  • Redundancy Review: Day 130-131, “Clarity From Separation”

    Redundancy Review: Day 130-131, “Clarity From Separation”

    (for context on what this series is, please see my Day 1 post here: Redundancy Review: Day 1, “A New Beginning” – Rosalia Rambles)

    Good morning examiners and invigilators, welcome to Day 130 and 131 of Rosalia Rambles Redundancy Review.

    The moment I thought I could return to a reasonable schedule for posting, a short holiday took me out of the rhythm once more – although it was definitely a needed break.

    Specifically my partner and I took a whirlwind trip down to Swansea in South Wales, close to where he originally came to me from, with the trip itself having two main purposes:

    1. Visiting a local game shop down south to participate in an Official Hololive Card Game event
    2. Going out for a meal with my partner’s parents

    Outside of those two main objectives, having time away from my current situation in a city I have never been to before to try clear my head was my own personal objective. It was not my intention to have a career crisis before this holiday, but it oddly lined up that I needed to take some time away.

    Swansea is specifically a coastal city, and it has been an… extremely long time since I have got to see the ocean, to feel the sea breeze push against my face as my nostrils fill with the oddly satisfying scent of salt water. I did not even realise I had been missing it until it hit me once more, and it contributed massively to clearing my head.

    Over the last couple of days, I have talked with both my own parents and my partner’s parents about my career situation, explaining what I have been feeling and what I feel like my current options are. The result of these two conversations were largely the same, reminding me that I am extraordinarily lucky to have a job in today’s job market, but understanding that I might want to find more purpose within my life.

    My partner’s parents emphasised to me that I have had a lot of lived experience in regards to mental health problems and the awareness that develops from that experience, which I could use in combination with my transferable skills honed within the technology industry to advance into an administration position of sorts within either civil service or the charity sector…

    …which, yes, lines up with what I have been talking about in previous editions of the Redundancy Review, helping to cement that my feelings are valid, and that the main task I need to work on now is rounding out my skillset even further to be able to demonstrate I can enter into these roles.

    The time away also helped me define the “why” of this line of thinking, and it is a very simple reason: purpose.

    I feel I have lost my sense of purpose in life, primarily in the wake of my redundancy. The Redundancy Review has helped me keep a sense of personal purpose in mind, especially as I explore my psyche in each edition, and whilst I really enjoy getting to write these pieces, I have sort of come to accept that this website represents a living portfolio more than something that actually makes me money – which I am okay with, even though I would love to be able to support myself via writing.

    But this means I need to do a fair bit of soul-searching in order to find a new professional purpose, something that can pay my bills but also provide me with a good degree of satisfaction. Something that I leave on Friday feeling I have made a positive impact on the world by what I have been doing, and feel excited to wake up for it all again on Monday.

    It will take a while to find something like that for me, and there will be even more difficulties along the way, but I know I will make it through… I keep saying that a lot recently, possibly as an affirmation to myself to keep myself going.

    I will make it. 

    One way or another.

    Time to get to the review segment, and it is actually going to be a somewhat personal one. As part of my Swansea trip, my partner and I went exploring shortly after arriving to find a cafe or something for lunch. A fair few places my partner wanted to show me had closed down since he moved away but in our search, we came across a small Ukrainian cafe called Ruta.

    As a part of personal trivia, my grandad was Ukrainian, specifically from Lviv. He died when I was not even one year old, so I never really knew him, and growing up I never really had much exposure to Ukrainian cuisine, which drew me into wanting to try Ruta out, and specifically going for a traditional Ukrainian dish.

    The one I chose to try was called Zrazy, a potato-based dough shaped into a patty before being stuffed with minced chicken and cheese, topped with stewed mushrooms and served with sour cream.

    There is a lot I could say here.

    I could talk about how the potato dough was perfectly soft, or how the seasoning on the filling was perfect, or how the sour cream was the ideal accompaniment to this dish.

    But I want to relate this dish to what I mentioned about never knowing my grandad or having any exposure to Ukrainian cuisine.

    Despite that lack of connection, from the first bite I took… this dish tasted like home. It was wholesome, comforting, and filling. It might be a bit dramatic to say each bite healed my soul a little bit; but it genuinely did feel like that, it was a taste of a heritage I never experienced. 

    And it was extremely reasonably priced at £7.99, so like, even outside of the spiritual experience it was an economical choice for lunch as well. My partner and I intend to return to Swansea to enjoy more of the city, and I want to return to Ruta to explore even more traditional Ukrainian cuisine.

    Heck, I even want to learn how to cook Zrazy now to build that spiritual connection even more.

    That will do it for today though, thank you for reading today’s edition of the Redundancy Review. Wherever you are I hope you are able to relax before Monday is upon us once more, I know I am nervous to return to work after my stress leave, but I come back with a clearer head and wanting to push myself towards a better tomorrow.

  • Redundancy Review: Day 126-128, “Even in the face of adversity”

    (for context on what this series is, please see my Day 1 post here: Redundancy Review: Day 1, “A New Beginning” – Rosalia Rambles)

    Good morning villains and adversaries, welcome to Day 126 to 128 of Rosalia Rambles Redundancy Review.

    The core of the Redundancy Review has been vulnerability, about showing the core of myself to the world, to talking about things that worry me and making a written record of my feelings.

    With how deep my recent depression has been, and continues to be, I think it is the right time for me to vomit words onto a page in the hopes of unfucking my brain just a little bit.

    So here goes nothing…

    At my core, I am a deeply insecure person. I am plagued by impostor syndrome on the daily, which infects my work, my hobbies, and my general being. There is a constant nagging voice in the back of my mind telling me that I am not good enough for my current field, hence my desire to switch out of the tech sector into something else.

    Like with a good deal of people in the modern age, I worry about what AI means for my job, about whether or not the field I have worked in for the last half a decade is about to be automated away entirely, even as discussions of the issues of the sustainability of the technology rage on. I know AI can be a helpful tool for doing away with menial and repetitive tasks that reduce friction, especially in creative ventures, but right now I feel the technology is being abused too much for the optimistic view to take hold.

    Most of all, I feel worried that I am going to lose what I currently have: my partner, my friends, the lifestyle I lead. Even when presented with evidence to the contrary, I find myself losing to the throes of a panic attack as I scream and cry for the pain overtaking my body to stop.

    I hold an immense amount of pride for the point I have managed to get my life to. I moved out shortly after turning 24, moving into my remarkably successful tech industry job around the same time… which did end in the redundancy that started this series but let us ignore that bit right now. Mixed in with all those big changes was me starting hormone replacement therapy as part of my transition into being the person I wanted to be, a decision I have never regretted or feel I ever will regret.

    For someone who had to rebuild the core of their life post-university due to having grown disdainful of the subject of their degree, I have done extremely well for myself. Ironically I have found myself reapplying some of my degree knowledge as part of my current contracting role, specifically in the usage of the Unity engine – some habits die hard I guess.

    But now I find myself almost at a crossroads, unsure of which path I want to walk down. Do I fully commit to the quality assurance route, upskilling myself in automation testing and utilising the fact that I do still have a programmer’s brain for good by hardening my skillset to find even better roles?

    Or do I walk away from the path I have travelled so far down to see where the road might fork, seeing where I could put my skills to the test in new sectors, such as charity or civil service?

    At the same time I need to ask myself the question of what this all means for my writing. I still want to tell my stories, even when I find myself with limited time on my hands due to the stresses of this world along with my own mind fighting against me, meaning I wish to pursue the mythical “work-life balance” that so many in the tech industry want to talk down on.

    All of those questions need answers, but they are most certainly not simple answers. So what do I do in the meantime? 

    Same thing as I did when I started working in the games industry, not knowing where I could end up.

    Same thing as I did when I transitioned over to the technology industry, and was unsure of my place in such a competitive industry.

    Same thing as when the news of my redundancy hit, and I did not know where my next paycheck would be coming from.

    I keep going.

    Even in the face of adversity.

    Even when my own insecurities are eating me alive.

    Even when I do not know what path the future will hold.

    I try my best to keep walking, with all the depression, uncertainty, and pain that comes along with navigating the current state of the world.

    And in honour of that, I think I want to talk about one of my favourite pieces of music as a review topic.

    For those unaware, I was just ever so slightly an emo kid growing up… yeah, I know, shocking, a trans girl grew up listening to emo music, in other news a fork was found in a kitchen today.

    But I was definitely someone who, in addition to a healthy diet of Dragonforce and video game OSTs, enjoyed the music of My Chemical Romance, Linkin Park (RIP Chester Bennington), and the subject of today’s review: Three Days Grace.

    What started my interest in the band was, of course, the absolute edgy banger of Animal I Have Become, the background track to everyone’s favourite AMV back in the day. But much like my love of Dragonforce, I went beyond the songs that everyone on the internet knew and looked further into their discography, leading me to discover Life Starts Now.

    It… is actually hard for me to do an in-depth lyrical analysis on this, because I think the entire song is a beautiful tale about never giving up and carrying on even when everything is against you, that it is never too late to change the way you have been living to make a new start. 

    I always like to look at the framing of the song being a conversation between two long-time friends, where one has gone through so much and is desperately tired, whereas the singer is trying to convince them that they have already been through so much that they survived through, that making another fresh start is not exactly going to hurt, and whatever comes next they will likely survive too.

    However, I do want to highlight the bridge, and do a little bit of my own analysis from my viewpoint on it:

    “All this pain

    Take this life and make it yours

    All this hate

    Take your heart and let it love again

    You will survive this somehow”

    There are so many ways I like to interpret this. The fantasy nerd in me loves to see this from the perspective of a warrior sacrificing themselves for their companion, giving them another chance at life while also telling them to not let hate consume them, to choose love instead to overcome the grief.

    But the more reasonable interpretation is the singer telling their friend that for all the pain they feel, for all the hatred they might feel at the world, and for any hatred they may feel at themselves, none of it is worth holding on to. As someone who has had to overcome many traumas in the course of their life, I know that holding on to pain and anger can very often be a choice, at least in my situation.

    Life got a lot better for me once I stopped being angry at the things that were tying me to the past, though this is not to say the emotions are not there within me – they most definitely still are. It is just that I try to live my day-to-day life without holding onto them, and in a way, I have to try apply that same logic to the feelings that the redundancy gave to me.

    It will take time, but I will survive this somehow, because through each moment of pain & heartbreak, there is a chance for life to start anew. I just need to be ready to meet that chance.

    Took a few days off work and off writing, and I feel I have come back still as strong as ever. Though I need a thumbnail picture…

    …yeah, that will do. Friend of mine sent me this image earlier in the week to remind me that I am still able to be successful, even if I do end up changing tracks.

    Thank you for reading the Redundancy Review. Wherever you are, I hope you are able to feel relaxed. If you are fighting your own battles, please know you are not alone in any of them. Help is out there if you need it, and the world is brighter for you being in it.

  • Redundancy ‘Review’: Day 124-125, “Seasons Change, Stability Falters”

    (for context on what this series is, please see my Day 1 post here: Redundancy Review: Day 1, “A New Beginning” – Rosalia Rambles)

    Good morning witches and warlocks, welcome to Day 124 and 125 of Rosalia Rambles Redundancy Review.

    It has been… very hard for me over the last couple days to find the energy to write.

    The constant story that the Redundancy Review represents is hard to tell when the path ahead feels so unclear, and things feel so damn heavy on top of me.

    Just today I got a seemingly instant rejection from a job I was incredibly excited for, the moment I sent off my application was the same moment I got a rejection back, some unseen automated system deciding I was not good enough off the back of the contents of my application, no chance to prove myself in an interview.

    And that makes me feel scared.

    I have the relative security of my contract right now, but that work no longer brings me joy like it used to.

    I want to push forward into other industries, but know there might be few people who want to take a chance on my transferable skills.

    And I want to write, god do I want to keep writing and telling my silly stories.

    But those silly stories do not keep a roof over my head. I find myself worrying about draining my savings to sustain myself and my partner, about having crises show up and not having the safety of a future payday ahead of me, and that the last five years of my professional life might have been for nothing if I cannot find myself a permanent job again.

    It is a worst case scenario, and I know a lot has to come to pass for it to become reality, but as the winter months roll in to make the nights darker, bringing about my SAD once more, I find the shaky-but-stable grasp I once held my life in start to slowly slip away, giving way to the frequent panic attacks, crying at my desk, and overall feeling hopeless about the future.

    I know life will continue on nonetheless, that brighter days will come, and this review will serve as a record that I made it past my darkest days.

    Right now though, it feels as if the darkness surrounds me at every turn. That no matter what I do, each day is going to feel harder than the last as I strive to simply make it through each day without crying my eyes out.

    But I know I am not alone.

    Even at my worst moments.

    I have people surrounding me who love me.

    I have skills that are worthwhile for people who hire me.

    I have things to give this world that need to be given.

    But I need to figure out what recovery looks like for me, so I can commit to a recovery plan that gets me back on track and living life to the fullest once more.

    No review segment, as I just want to get a post out for today.

    If you are reading this, and you have any advice for me, any spiritual guidance, or anything that can help me out of this current situation – please get in touch. I will take on whatever advice I need right now.

    Going to use a photo of Dottie as the thumbnail, but that will do it for today.

    Thank you for reading the Redundancy Review.

    Wherever you are, whoever you are, I wish you happiness and safety.

  • Redundancy ‘Review’: Day 122-123, “Life is Precious”

    (for context on what this series is, please see my Day 1 post here: Redundancy Review: Day 1, “A New Beginning” – Rosalia Rambles)

    Good morning staircases and escalators, welcome to Day 122 and 123 of Rosalia Rambles Redundancy Review.

    Yesterday… was stressful for a lot of reasons. My partner ended up having a rough start to their work day which made them come home early, my old roommate had a bit of a crisis on their hands due to numerous factors, and this was all in addition to managing my contract workload for the day.

    Hectic is at least one of the words I would use to describe what went down, and that is without discounting all of the feelings I have been having regarding wanting to change my current position in life.

    Job is definitely on the higher end of that priorities list, which I am taking steps in a positive direction to try find myself something new. Surprisingly I have actually been invited for a phone interview on Wednesday for that CEX Store Manager position which is the first interview I have gotten since I was made redundant, so… there is at least some comfort there that I am still able to get interviews.

    What I am more optimistic and interested in however is an informal chat with someone within the Care Quality Commission to talk about a role I am going to be applying for there: Application Analyst.

    Part of the career chat I had with my friend on Thursday was taking a look at my current skillset and determining what sectors I could find myself thriving in. As someone who has worked in Quality Assurance for five years with production experience sprinkled in for the last two years, the amount of transferable skills I have picked during that time is surprisingly plentiful.

    Adaptability is high on that list, especially from having worked in the technology start up space for the last four years. It is an environment that hardens you, one way or another, and requires you to stay adaptable or flexible to the shifting needs of the business. Everyone needed to chip in on different things at varying points – with me usually being one of the first people to say yes to trying something new, becoming familiar with that side of the business fairly quickly.

    This is a trait that has carried me throughout my career honestly, as I was always the first to put myself forward for new things at Codemasters, which led me to testing audio, back-end data analysis, and eventually becoming the second-in-command…

    …it then got turned up to eleven working at Immerse, and even now working the contract role. Learning new things makes me incredibly happy, and that joy has carried me to a successful career.

    All I need now is something a bit more permanent, as I do not think contractor life is entirely for me in the four months or so I have been working in it. I have definitely learnt a lot, but I want to push myself towards a permanent, full-time role in a different industry now.

    So… what does this have to do with the title? Well, because that was just a job search update segment, but I have a personal segment I want to write today as well.

    Over these last five months, things have been a massive rollercoaster for me. What started as a month long process of limbo wondering what would happen to the company I had called home for just over three years turned into the redundancy announcement that kickstarted this series, and my greater search for a new place to call my own, before I got the contract role that is currently sustaining me.

    In this time period, I have experienced great highs, terrifying lows, and almost everything between those two points. My situation is stable right now, remarkably so even given the circumstances, but at the same time I spend a lot of my time paranoid that this might be a turning point in my life where I suddenly am not worthy enough to keep going, that my head will sink below the water at any moment.

    This led to me seeking comfort in an unusual source: my brother. We have a good relationship, although we do not talk as often as I feel we should, there is a lot he has helped me out with over the years and I feel incredibly lucky to call him my big brother.

    I asked him how he keeps his head above water, and how he perseveres when everything feels against him, with the advice being given being oddly profound:

    “The simple answer on how I keep going is that I simply refuse to drown. I have, currently am, and will in future feel like I’m drowning, and that everything and everyone is against me. But I also recognise that if I let the water take me, I’m out the game, I don’t get to play any more. That means no more prizes, and you can’t get back in the game once you’re out. You can always come back from the lows to get to the highs if you’re willing to dig your heels in, but you have to be in the game”

    It feels silly to say, but his blunt way of speaking really helped me out and made me reflect on these last five months.

    My redundancy was my lowest point, and I genuinely felt like my entire world had collapsed in the wake of it…

    …but I kept going.

    My life is precious, and there is still so much love I have still yet to give, not just for my life, but for the lives of all of those around me. There is a beautiful network of people around me who support me, and I want to be able to support them through their highs & lows, just like they have done for me.

    Things feel hard right now, but I want to keep going. Even when my paranoia presents the worst case scenarios for me, I will keep fighting through.

    I guess I need to try write a review segment now. It has honestly been hard to keep up with doing them in recent days due to everything going on in my life…

    …no, I am sorry, but I do not think I can today. Too much has been going on, and whilst I still want to put my writing out there for those who may need it, I cannot bring myself to focus on a ‘review’ type segment right now.

    Have a picture of this big, beautiful, and badass pizza I made last night. Homemade dough and all. It is taking me a while to get the proper formula down, in that I am aiming for a New York-style thin crust and am usually ending up with a Sicilian-style thick-yet-airy crust, which is still plenty delicious but not the effect I am ultimately wanting.

    Baking in general has brought great comfort to me ever since my redundancy, not only as a way of learning something new but to work to create something that I can use to bring joy to others, be it through bread, cake, or to make the usual Friday night pizza my partner and I share all the more loving by the homemade touch.

    If you have made it to the end of today’s Redundancy Review, thank you for reading. Wherever you are, I hope you are safe, happy, and comfortable, able to enjoy the weekend. If not, then I hope you can try find comfort when it is possible, and I am glad you are still around. 

    Keep on keeping on, I will if you will.