Good morning tortoises and hares, welcome to one big ass catch up post for Day 148 to 151 of Rosalia Rambles Redundancy Review.
Work has been utter chaos this week, preparing for a big launch requiring all hands on deck for all manner of tasks, which had the net result of me ultimately having very little time for writing between managing period symptoms, managing sinus infection symptoms, and engaging in what small self-care activities my remaining time & energy would allow.
Not entirely out of the woods yet either with work, but at the very least I have the weekend now to enact some basic recovery plan and actually engage with my hobbies once more: gaming, cooking, and of course, writing.
Admittedly it has been a while since I have had something like this at work. My entire career has been marked by various points where a massive effort was needed to get something out the door on a Friday, usually leaving me exhausted by the time everything wrapped up and just wanting nothing more than to sleep for fourteen hours.
The fact that I am awake, aware, and engaging in something mentally stimulating after nine hours of sleep shows that I have built a resilience to this kind of thing… when you ignore the fact that my dual-afflictions this week meant I had to take Wednesday morning off because I felt like I was going to die if I put on a VR headset and every day outside of that it was a challenge to drag myself to my desk each day…
…but I kept going, even in the face of adversity, and that is what I am going to be proud of. Through anxiety, pain, and exhaustion, I always choose to keep moving so I am able to see the better days on the horizon.
Trying to write things down after a period of not writing for a bit always feels difficult, as if somehow I need to shake the rust and cobwebs out of my system even though I have been practicing for several months now, although my usual stumbling block is finding areas to elaborate on in a positive way rather than harping on the negative aspects of what I have been experiencing.
I believe it is important to let yourself experience negative feelings, but not to let them consume you – a balancing act that is most definitely easier said than done. Suppressing negative feelings can result in them escaping out at the worst of times, lashing out at those around you when everything becomes too hard to bear, a painful experience I know all too well. But constantly dwelling on whatever is bringing negativity to your life ultimately lowers your resting mood which can make it harder to appreciate what few positive moments come your way.
For all my struggles, there is still a lot I have going for me in this life, and I want to try focus on that more than what is not exactly going my way right now.
Think that will cover everything for today, a bit of a shorter post but given my exhaustion and minor addiction to Clair Obscur right now, it does the job of hopefully starting a new streak.
Need a thumbnail though, so I will use some pictures of the burgers I made tonight. My first proper bit of cooking this entire week.
Thank you for reading today’s edition of the Redundancy Review. Wherever you are I hope you are able to have a relaxing weekend and that you are able to recover from whatever might have happened during your week.
Good morning dreamers and nappers, welcome to Day 147 of Rosalia Rambles Redundancy Review.
Something I miss a lot from my recent experiences with stress is that I have not been having any dreams lately, which makes me a bit sad honestly – not that I can really remember most of what happens in my dreams anyway due to not keeping a dream journal, but the ability to go inside of my mind for a sensory experience before my alarm goes off to rouse me out of sleep is something I oddly enjoy.
Still capable of having nightmares though, though admittedly they are as infrequent as my dreams right now which is relieving. Specifically when it comes to having nightmares I can struggle to differentiate between what happened in the dream and what happened in real life, something that has actually led me to believing what happened in the nightmare before I snap myself out of it.
My fascination with dreaming most likely comes from my love of stories, the idea that I can go to sleep with the ability to experience an almost nonsensical story produced by the random thoughts my sleeping brain comes up with has a strange appeal to it.
But, as usual with me being a writer, the title has a double meaning, as I want to ramble about what my dreams are in an aspirational sense, and why despite the fact they feel so far away right now, I want to keep working towards them. This is partially inspired by a conversation I had with a friend over lunch about my current situation in relation to job searching, personal pursuits, and life in general.
Let me start with the obvious one: writing. I would love to be able to make it as a writer somehow, either as a freelancer with reliably stable regular gigs with clients who love what I do or as an in-house dedicated copywriter for some kind of digital agency, though I know in this current economy that is one hell of an ask, especially given my minimal experience as a formal copywriter. Plenty of examples and instances throughout my career, just harder to sell than someone who has been doing it a lot longer than I.
It would also be nice if I could monetise Rambles in some way, which I sort of already do with commissions (contact me for commission rates, I would be happy to work on anything you like (yes anything)), but that is also a similarly tall task to make it support all of my expenses.
For now though, Rambles is my creative outlet, something to keep my mind active and my skills honed against the tide of AI-generated content. Hopefully when my life calms down a bit I will be able to write more fiction and get to some of the more in-depth pieces I always promised myself I would create.
My dreams are not limited to writing though, some of them are logical, some of them are… a little more esoteric.
I would love to make my own card game one day. I have grown up playing all sorts of tabletop games, from starting out with Warhammer 40k in my local library, to being introduced to the GOATed deckbuilder that is Star Realms, before I was finally brought down to the gutter when I got into Magic: the Gathering back in 2017. Like most people who spent their time playing those sorts of games, I have ideas and concepts I would love to bring to life one day, from translating the concept of a fighting game to cardboard to making my own deckbuilder themed around aerial combat.
There is also the concept of “dream cosplays” I would love to do. Obviously Shiori Novella from Hololive English is still right up there, especially given the events of this year where a commissioner severely let me down, but there is also Princess Rosalina from Super Mario Galaxy, the character who (sort of) gave me my name and acted as one of my first egg-cracking moments. So many amazing outfits I would love to wear and goof around in, making both my current self and my inner child extremely happy.
And finally, the more esoteric one, well, at least it feels esoteric to me.
I would love to learn how to dance.
Not just any style of dance – I would love to learn how to dance like my idols in Hololive.
Whenever a concert comes around, whenever one of the Holomems has a chance to perform live on stage, I watch their dances with fascination and glee, hoping one day I could learn to dance like that myself. Admittedly this did not start with Hololive, as this fascination dates all the way back to when I listened to Luka Luka Night Fever for the first time, but the interest in idol dances definitely ramped up with discovering Hololive.
Which perfectly leads into what I want to discuss for today’s VTuesday, the first ever full cross-generation Hololive song: Shiny Smily Story, specifically the “call & response practice” version the main channel posted before 4th fes.
The description does not lie. This is the idol song that represents Hololive, and even as new anthems for different fes and events come along, there will always be something incredibly special about what this song represents, either it be the highs of talents coming together to spread the joy of Hololive, or the inevitable lows that come alongside a graduation where a music box version of this song is used as backing over clips of significant moments.
Reason I chose this version specifically as this is the most recent posting of the full version with subtitled lyrics, there is a version from when the song was first released back in 2020 but I have always felt a greater resonance with the translated lyrics in this version, so it is the interpretation I want to use for analysis.
One of the first thing that catches me attention with these lyrics is the use of digital terminology as part of some of the verses, really playing with the fact that Hololive is an agency of virtual idols, examples including:
“I tweaked the settings of my quivering heart
So that I wouldn’t feel scared”
“As I go, I’ll hit delete
On any thoughts of giving up”
I always love when Hololive, and hell VTubers in general, really lean into the digital space they occupy, utilising the unique nature of the medium to do interesting things, and small, cute little references to their own digital medium are very sweet.
The next part I want to talk about is the bridge before the final chorus, and the other main inspiration behind the subject of today’s article. When I first read these lyrics all the way back in 2023, I felt myself tear up a little bit at their meaning, and honestly even two years later I still get misty eyed reading them:
“I wanna take the stage I’ve dreamed of at last
Shine with colors no one else has
Cry my eyes out once in a while
Get back up again with a smile
Share the futures that we can see
Make our dreams a reality
It’s make or break
Come on and take a leap of faith”
There is so much meaning to me in these lyrics, both for what I see in my oshi Holomems and what I can see in myself.
For the former meaning, being able to perform on stage can be the realisation of a long-standing dream, with the bright & bold colours of their idol outfit on full display. It can be a long journey, one that will be marked with sadness and hardship, but should never be given up on, because there is a future where that journey pays off, and all the previous hard times show that you have made it, whatever leaps of faith taken paid off in the end.
And as for the latter meaning?
Well, I think I ended up summarising what it means for me when I talked about the idol journey above, with just a few context tweaks it becomes more personal to me.
I know my long-term future is good, because I have the drive and work ethic to deliver what my future needs. There will be hurdles, roadblocks, and stumbles galore, but so long as I can roll with the punches and trust where my feet will land with each step, I am certain I will make it.
There is not actually much else I want to say about SSS, that bridge covers practically everything else I could say about the song. Through highs, lows, positives, negatives, the dream will always be there.
Do need a thumbnail though…
Yeah, best fox friend will work.
That will cover everything for today, and good timing cause it is almost 10pm here – damn work schedule. Thank you for reading today’s edition of the Redundancy Review. Wherever you are I hope you are able to relax and look forward to the rest of your week.
Good morning thespians and troupers, welcome to Day 145 and 146 of Rosalia Rambles Redundancy Review.
I have returned from my trip to London and a brief excursion to hang out with my board game friends only to find myself afflicted with a pestilence alongside my period starting…
…my luck is really something else sometimes.
But, as is the overarching message of the Redundancy Review, we keep moving, even when the circumstances are against us, and considering how much I enjoyed writing the VeXPo Diaries piece I want to do a similar thing for the Saturday I spent in London going to Metal Gear In Concert at the Royal Albert Hall.
Waking up
As mentioned in Day 144, I did not have the best night’s sleep in the hotel bed. A shower was enough to shake off the grogginess before I sat in the bed and passed the time by writing that day’s review whilst watching old TV clips on Youtube. I was under the assumption that my check-out time was at twelve so I had plenty of time to relax and just exist in the pleasingly liminal space of my hotel room.
Yeah, no, I double checked my booking, revealing that my check-out time was at eleven instead – a fact I discovered at quarter to eleven. This forced me to suddenly drop everything I was doing, focus on rapidly packing and getting myself dressed ready to leave. A ten-minute task all told, my previous experience of needing to run out the door when I was late to classes at uni coming in handy once again.
Wandering around
Given I was out of the hotel at eleven and my concert was not until half-two, I had a fair bit of time to kill, and given this was the first time in forever I have been to London without a work engagement, I was presented with the perfect opportunity to just wander around aimlessly using the tourist maps for guidance.
My first port of call was getting to the Albert Hall itself, a task which only took me around twenty minutes to navigate, letting me grab a picture of the external TV screen showing Metal Gear In Concert being on that night
I wish I had taken some more photos of the outside of the Albert Hall, as it is a stunningly beautiful building, but alas, my desire to keep wandering took over, leading me down towards the centre of South Kensington where my destination for a big lunch to fill me up for the day revealed itself.
Honest Burger
After trying Bleecker, you might have thought I would not be in the mood for another burger, but I am never one to turn down delicious meats, vegetables, and cheese sandwiched between two pillowy buns.
Honest Burger is a place I have been curious about since seeing it on a Food Tours video, with a focus on simple ingredients to make something delicious. Given my intention that this was going to be my only meal until I got home that evening, I went a little indulgent with a homemade mint lemonade, a small portion of frankly massive onion rings, and the Honest Smash burger with bacon, served with a side of rosemary fries.
This meal cost a total of £23.49, which broke down into £14.55 for the burger and fries, £3.30 for the small onion rings, and £3.50 for the drink, plus a £2.14 service charge which is listed as optional/discretionary but personally I believe they are a mandatory part of eating out, especially as tipping culture in the UK is not exactly strong.
Overall the price lined up with what I have paid for burger meals in London in the £20-25 range, and this was absolutely gorgeous. Again, I have to highlight the fucking enormous onion rings which were crunchy and perfectly seasoned, I could envision myself eating a full plate of those with a variety of dips.
The meal as a whole fulfilled its purpose, I did not need to eat the rest of the day minus a few drinks on the way home to keep my energy up.
Albert Hall time
Meal finished, I did a brief bit of wandering around and managed to get myself thoroughly lost meaning I had to rely on Google Maps rather than any of the tourist maps to find my bearing again, but I got my way back to the Albert Hall where the cafe bar was open meaning I could get my first (and only) coffee of the day in the form of a £4.60 mocha. Pretty standard for takeaway coffee in the UK, with a pretty standard taste that came along with it.
Took a while for me to notice but the front desk was actually selling programmes, and as someone who loves little mementos and souvenirs from their nerdy trips I had to get one – especially with this gorgeous front art:
Additionally I bought myself a t-shirt and a poster with the same art. I want the organisers to see this event as a success because this was an amazing experience I would love to see repeated elsewhere.
The doors to the auditorium opened, and upon getting my ticket checked I encountered something I have not really seen before: I was offered a ticket to go down to the stalls instead. I had picked the matinee performance rather than the evening performance because I was initially intending to rawdog the entire event in a day before deciding to make it an overnight once I was re-employed, but it was surprising to have that as an option.
I did not take them up on the offer though, as I was curious to see what my ticket got me.
I think I made the right decision, I had an end-of-row seat and no one ended up sitting next to me, giving me a lovely bit of private space to immerse myself fully in the music.
The concert itself
I did not take any pictures during the show itself, initially I did want to quickly take some stealth photos to get good accompanying pictures for the article, but I found myself enjoying the show so much I did not want to look away for a moment.
The structure of the show confused me initially, but once it clicked in my mind I was thoroughly impressed. Act I contained music from MGS3: Snake Eater, MGS: Peace Walker, and MGSV: The Phantom Pain – the story of Big Boss, the legendary soldier and clonefather of the protagonist most people know of: Solid Snake, which was the focus of Act II with MGS, MGS2: Sons of Liberty, and MGS4: Guns of the Patriots.
For someone who has more attachment from the franchise for the Solid Snake games rather than the Big Boss games, I found myself enjoying Act I more than I anticipated, especially as someone who has never properly played Peace Walker. When the orchestra started playing the Main Theme of the game I found myself having this almost proud feeling upon hearing it, the whole “music that makes you patriotic for a country that does not exist” kind of vibe.
Act II definitely resonated more with me, but because of my attachment to those games than the others I did find myself finding a few criticisms in the setlist… well, nitpicks more than anything else.
First off, there was no Encounter. The first ever “ALERT” song in the franchise and it was not put into the setlist as part of MGS. It really could have replaced Mantis Hymn which would make for an absolutely exhilarating flow of music to go from Encounter to Hind D, but I recognise that Mantis Hymn is iconic.
Another nitpick from the MGS setlist is the end theme “The Best Is Yet To Come” did not have a vocalist performing the lyrics, which is especially disappointing considering Donna Burke was one of the guest performers and she sang an English version of the song on the MGSV OST. I know it might have disrupted the flow of the show a little bit because Donna and Stefanie Joosten performed solos at the end of each act but this is such an iconic song due to the lyrics, and missing them out is a shame.
For all of my other nitpicks though, they were blown out of the water with the conclusion of Act II: Metal Gear Saga, the main theme of MGS4 followed by Stefanie Joosten performing Snake Eater which was then followed up by Donna Burke performing Heavens Divide, a conga line of iconic Metal Gear songs all of which yielded massive cheers from the crowd.
Speaking of the crowd, one funny audience moment during the MGS2 segment of Act II was someone wolf whistling when the cutscene revealed Raiden for the first time, prompting a wave of laughter to rush over the audience.
The game footage being in the background was an extremely nice touch to the show, it helped contextualise the music in a greater way and helped the immersion, especially when my nostalgia neurons got triggered from hearing certain songs alongside certain moments.
Overall, the trip as a whole was well worth it, and a nice time to actually get to explore London on foot without needing to worry about a work meeting or anything else… that said it killed my feet, even with me wearing proper walking shoes. For someone who will extoll the virtues of good public transport links I will seldom use them myself, preferring to walk almost everywhere within towns and cities.
That covers everything for the Albert Hall diaries, thank you for reading today’s edition of the Redundancy Review. Wherever you are I hope the Monday blues are not hitting you too hard and that you are able to take some time to relax.
Good morning bed bugs and dust mites, welcome to Day 144 of Rosalia Rambles Redundancy Review.
Sleep was a rough time for me last night, the hotel bed is comfy enough for sitting up in to write and watch TV but was lacking when it came to actually settle down. The pillows did not offer much support, the mattress is too firm for my tastes, and I forgot to bring a plushie with me to cuddle as I slept.
It was at least a single bed, meaning I did not have to sleep in a space larger than what I needed, which would make me miss my partner more than I already do.
Silly, in a way. We spend so much time together that it should, in theory, be easy for me to be away for a couple days – especially considering we were long distance for two and a half years with very infrequent visits for the majority of that time period.
But I am most definitely someone who struggles without him, which partially drives some of my recent fear, paranoia, and catastrophising. I am terrified of losing the life we have built together through any period of sustained joblessness on my part, especially because I would be absolutely loathe to move back in with my parents. Not because I do not like them – our relationship has actually improved massively over recent years – but because it would represent a major stumble in my path forward.
Everything I have I view as the product of all the hard work I have put in over the last five years, and me of five years ago would never imagine in her wildest dreams that she would have any of what she has today. “Where do you see yourself in five years?” is such a bizarre question to me because outside of a few key moments, none of this I could have predicted or planned for.
So as I slowly lose my relationship with the work that has enabled my current lifestyle, I find fear creeping in that I will lose everything, which I can recognise is catastrophising because I have proof I can minimise my lifestyle to a sustainable degree, and even if I was unable to find full time work, there are options I would be able to take.
Making a change is hard, and even as I take the required steps to try enact that change in myself, I find myself struggling to keep the momentum going. For all my talk of “I will make it”, there is a fear deep within me that I will be in this pain forever.
But I will make it.
This is only temporary, despite everything my mind is telling me.
Sometimes, a moment’s peace is all I need, which segues me nicely into the review topic.
For all the problems I had with the hotel bed, there is one thing this room has that I very rarely encounter in hotels: a bath.
There is a certain appeal I find in taking a bath, sure it might be lovingly described as “soaking in your own filth” by some, but the ability to immerse yourself in a tub of warm water to soothe your aching muscles, lift the weight off your shoulder, and weld together the broken parts of your soul once more is something I will always take advantage of.
This bath was surprisingly accommodating to my height as well, being someone above six feet tall there are a lot of baths that force me to hunch up my legs if I want to get myself properly inside. Whilst I could not fully lay flat in the bath, this one was long enough for me to stretch my legs out and get just below my shoulders submerged in the water.
Additionally, I went to Waitrose before the bath to grab some supplies for the evening, which included two bottles of low-alcohol cider, one of which was the accompaniment to my bath.
Soaking in the water, stretching my legs out, and sipping a crisp apple cider put me at peace like nothing else has in recent weeks. My mind felt quiet, and even though the bath lasted a relatively short twenty minutes, that period of time was absolute bliss.
That covers everything for today, I should probably consider getting ready for Metal Gear tonight. Thank you for reading today’s edition of the Redundancy Review. Wherever you are I hope you are able to enjoy your Saturday, take it easy, have a good drink in the company of great people.
Good morning receptionists and secretaries, welcome to Day 143 of Rosalia Rambles Redundancy Review.
Today’s review is being written from a cozy London hotel room after a pretty intense day of travel, and in finding myself away from my desk I can once more take a moment of reflection on my current situation – or more realistically, do a bit of public rubber ducking for a bit whilst I recline.
There is definitely a lot I am scared of in the near future. This is a feeling that exists almost perpetually within me, but what makes this current instance different is that my coping strategies have been thrown all out of whack by my initial redundancy.
Before, I was someone who very much had their moments of catastrophising and overthinking. Once I had got that all out of my system I would return to what I consider my “natural” state: go with the flow, relatively level-headed, and willing to fuck up any challenge that came in my way.
My old mentor said this mindset was the reason she became interested in, and once described it as one of my greatest strengths before following it up with how she saw my catastrophising nature:
“I see you throw boulders towards yourself and you never flinch, but then you go ‘oh no a pebble’ and completely collapse.”
She was always someone I could turn to if I was in a moment of overthinking, a process I lovingly called “unfucking my brain”, and in recalling this bit of analysis she did on me, it has given me some perspective on how I feel about my current situation.
I have always prided myself on adaptability throughout my career, that even in my moments of panic I could turn those emotions into a positive development experience. Making myself stronger through adversity.
And I know I can become that person again, but right now I feel unable to balance my desire for professional progression with my borderline need for personal recovery from burnout.
The problem looming over me, as looms over many others, is of course capitalism, why would it be anything else.
My financial situation is stronger than a lot of my Gen Z peers. In the event of sudden job loss or my physical health catching up with me, I am not in imminent financial ruin, in fact both my partner and some of my closest friends have said I should pull the plug on my contract at the end of the year in order to take a prolonged break.
But I feel incapable of that, both for the anxiety that would come with losing my income stream and for the worry around the “implication” of what taking time away for burnout would look like. It is already hard enough to find a job in my desired field, and it feels just as impossible to find opportunities for branching out due to the elimination of junior roles at different organisations.
The benefits of taking a break though would be unparalleled, as I could work more on writing in a given day, actually working on the books I want to write, I can develop out my VTuber concept further, and I could finally stop feeling the crushing weight on my soul that seems to persist into every work day right now.
At some point I should try write a positive piece on my current roles, as for all the spiritual issues I am currently experiencing, there are still a good number of positive aspects within my current career – it is mainly the painful lack of a clear future right now that is bringing down my morale.
For now, I am going to revel in the feeling that being away from my desk brings, along with the fact that I am in London for pleasure rather than business for the first time in forever. Not having to rush to a meeting or a function gave me enough time after getting off the coach to visit a place I had always been meaning to try but never found the opportunity to: Bleecker Burger.
This one comes as a recommendation from my friend Aaron, who always said I should try hit up Bleecker whenever I was in London. Usually my burger of choice when visiting the capital for work was a Five Guys, which, yes, I recognise is a very low bar in terms of burgers but considering I do not have one nearby I always considered it a “treat”.
Bleecker is a lot more simple than Five Guys – you get burgers, burgers with bacon, and stacked burgers with bacon. It is similar with the fries, you can get them plain, topped with “house” sauce, “angry” sauce, or both sauces.
My meal of choice was a standard bacon cheeseburger, house angry fries, and an Oreo milkshake, costing me a total of £21.85, which is actually pretty damn similar to what I paid for a similar meal at Five Guys just over a year ago, £21.65.
So, given the almost identical meal and cost, how does it compare?
First off, the burger. Bleecker definitely do things a lot more simply, and in terms of pure burger & bun quality they definitely exceed the Guys, but I did find myself missing some of the additional crunch and moisture that vegetable toppings or even mayonnaise would bring.
Next, the milkshake. Incredibly thick, creamy, and delicious, there is not much more to say beyond that. A perfect accompaniment to a somewhat indulgent lunch.
Last, but most definitely not least, the house angry fries. These are far and away above the quality of Five Guys, you get a very generous portion for the price without the excess that can come from there, but the sauces drizzled over top are what make the difference. The house sauce is incredibly creamy with a little bit of tang whilst the angry sauce has a decent kick without being painfully spicy, adding a delicate tingle to the tongue forming a perfect side dish.
Do I intend to return to Bleecker? That is a definite maybe. The quality and care is definitely there in the food, but there is still something oddly nostalgic in Five Guys for me.
Though there is definitely plenty in London for me to try in terms of burger joints, so maybe next time I have the privilege of coming by this part of the country.
That covers everything for today, thank you for reading today’s edition of the Redundancy Review. Wherever you are I hope you are able to enjoy your weekend, you deserve all the relaxation time in the world.
Good morning fugitives and escapees, welcome to Day 140 to 142 of Rosalia Rambles Redundancy Review.
Coming back to write after a busy few days. On Tuesday I had no time to write between work slamming me down before going out with my dad for the evening, and Wednesday was trying to spend some social time with friends before once more playing Clair Obscur.
And now that I finally have a moment to write I find myself mentally preparing for a trip to London tomorrow to go to Metal Gear in Concert on Saturday before returning that evening and hopefully heading out on Sunday to see a group of old friends.
Hopefully I will be able to write in between all that, but honestly I am mainly looking forward to having some escapism for myself away from my work.
Time away from my desk has been the main saving grace of the stress I have been under lately, especially considering writing is still not coming as easily to me as I would like it to. Going out with my dad, immersing myself in a fantasy world, and taking trips away from the place I live have all helped me step back to gain some perspective on my current situation.
Though, I have always been someone who appreciates good escapism – books, video games, or even just my own thoughts backed with some good music. Having the ability to disappear from the world for any length of time usually helps me out, but with the amount of pain I have been feeling lately, this is definitely harder than before.
Sometimes I wonder whether I should be using words like pain, hurt, or any other synonym that can describe the emotions that my depression inflicts upon my soul. Part of me feels it would be better to not go into such detail considering this is a website that faces outwards as a representative of myself.
But then I reflect.
And know that out there, someone somewhere might need to hear what I have to say.
As confirmation that they are not alone in this world, and that they can escape into my writings to get away from whatever may be causing them pain.
It is a bit of wishful thinking, but it is the reason I believe the written word always needs to exist as an artform.
“Art should comfort the disturbed and disturb the comfortable”
I do not know how much of the latter I am able to do, but if I can at least achieve the former through what I write down and achieve some sense of relatedness within people who are reading, then I will consider myself successful.
Even through my own pain, and as my schedule slips for all manner of different reasons, I will try my best to continue writing.
For both my and your escapism.
Good news is that I at least have some kind of a review topic thanks to going out on Tuesday… if the schedule had held together then I would have actually had a decent week worth of review material, but alas, balancing everything that is required of me is still a difficult task.
As part of my adventure out with my dad on Tuesday evening, we went to an Indian restaurant called “Mowgli”, a British chain focusing on street food style dishes. Everything above was paid for by my dad, so thanks for that!
Specifically what was recommended to me by my dad was the Diwali Cauliflower and Yoghurt Chat Bombs in the first picture. The former is a delicately spiced half-head of cauliflower while the latter was a crisp puff bread filled with yoghurt and chickpeas which, true to the name of “bomb”, exploded into flavour once you put it into your mouth.
The dishes I tried are in the second picture: the Mowgli Chip Butty and the Monkey Wrap. Both on a foundation of roti bread, with the former being stuffed with their signature fenugreek fries and an assortment of chutneys, and the latter being an open roti wrap topped with spinach & mint leaves, tandoori chicken, and the same assorted chutneys.
The Monkey Wrap was definitely my highlight, especially as after taking one or two bits of chicken off the top it was the perfect amount of filling to pick it up like a giant Indian street food taco and eat it with one hand.
Plus this definitely scratches the itch more for me than curry does. I am not sure what it is, whether I am yet to find the specific sauce that appeals to my palate but I have never developed a fondness for curry. Indian snacks and tandoori? Cannot get enough, but sauce served with rice or naan? Nope, never got a taste for it.
That will do it for today, hopefully I will be able to write a bit more tomorrow, but unsure what the rest of the weekend will look like. Thank you for reading today’s edition of the Redundancy Review. Wherever you are I hope you are able to relax and take heart that the weekend is soon upon us.
Good morning expectants and impatients, welcome to Day 138 of Rosalia Rambles Redundancy Review.
Daylight savings time has ended in the UK, meaning the clocks went back one hour last night giving everyone an extra hour in bed… or in my case, even more time to spend playing Clair Obscur.
I am only slightly sorry, it has been a long time since I have had a game where I can do nothing but sit and let myself become immersed in a fantasy world, especially one with so many themes that resonate with my current situation.
Though I do feel a little guilty, and I know it is somewhat of an irrational guilt with some grounding in reality. I feel worried that I should be doing more on my weekends, that even after stressful weeks I should forgo any meaningful relaxation time in favour of doing even more job applications or working on every personal project under the sun.
But that is the “grindset mindset” I have developed from being within the tech industry, of the desire to always be moving, to move fast and break things because you never know what will be born from the wreckage – and it is a mindset I do not want to be in anymore.
Being real, I am struggling to write today. I have been writing, deleting, and writing paragraphs, feeling completely unsatisfied with whatever I am trying to output and subsequently feeling guilty over that lack of output.
I am seeing my therapist in two weeks time, so, that gives me both impetus to keep moving and to add what I am currently feeling to my greater notes… should probably send her a link to these posts as well, they do a pretty good job of keeping track of how these past months have gone.
Also seeing the doctor tomorrow, to talk about the stress I have been experiencing because of work and other life factors, potentially looking at a route back to antidepressants to take some of the load off my brain.
I will make it through this.
One way or another.
There is still so much I want to do.
And I am scared I may not get the chance to do any of it.
But I will not know unless I keep moving.
Considering I am struggling to write today, I am going to skip the review segment, and I am going to make the thumbnail a screenshot that I took during a Clair Obscur cutscene today, being thoroughly called out by one of the characters.
Short, and not very content-packed as some reviews have been this week, but I am at least still consistent.
Thank you for reading today’s edition of the Redundancy Review. If you are in the UK I hope the clocks going back has not messed with your system too much, or brought down by how early it gets dark now because of that. For everyone else, wherever you are I hope you are able to relax and that the Monday blues are not too hard to bear.
Good morning adequates and passables, welcome to Day 136 & 137 of Rosalia Rambles Redundancy Review.
Totally did not skip a day because I spent almost five hours playing Clair Obscur last night.
Nope.
Would not have happened.
Did not immediately finish work to have a delicious kebab takeaway before getting fully immersed in the game…
…yeah, no, after the work week I had and the actual work day I had on Friday, my brain was just fully in the mode of turning itself off and focusing on trying to disconnect myself from my current situation.
Not that it helped this morning, as I woke up at my regular time of seven in the goddamn morning only to immediately start worrying about work on a day where I am supposed to be trying to disconnect from it all.
Trying to separate my emotions from my work is hard sometimes, and again, it is one of those qualities that a lot of people find admirable that I find makes it harder for me to live my life without worry. Having my emotions in my work makes me care more about the end result, which leads to me putting in hard work in order to make the clients happy and my colleagues’ lives easier.
But when things go wrong, I feel the pain, the hurt, and the disappointment it brings all too much. Even in such a small company where there is a blameless culture and the focus is put on improving the process rather than finding someone to scapegoat, I find it hard to separate myself from the fact that something I did as a piece of work did not yield the optimal result.
Which is where today’s title comes into play: worrying about whether or not I am “good enough” for the role I currently play.
The short answer is “yes, yes you are”, the slightly longer answer is “Rosa this is just impostor syndrome and redundancy trauma kicking in”, and the long answer unpacks both of these statements.
I did not actually interview for my current role, at least not formally. Given that it was a collection of former colleagues retained by the investors to continue the company’s work, all that really happened was two short conversations with the CTO and CFO to explain what needs doing as part of the role, with me accepting a couple of days after.
Ten days, by the way, that is all it took for me to go from those initial conversations to starting work again. No formal interview, just people asking me back because they felt I was the right person for the job.
My feelings around this process are… weird. I know for a fact this does happen in the industry at large through the referral process, but it makes me feel as if I did not “earn” my position in a way – but I did earn my position. It was earned through all the hard work I put in at the previous company by making myself adaptable, dependable, and pleasant to be around even in high stress situations.
This then plays into my greater impostor syndrome, as I sit around after a rough day wondering if I am good enough for any position outside of my current one, that I want to step into another career path not just because I feel there is a greater purpose for me outside of the tech industry, but because I am ultimately not suitable for this career path anymore.
In my worst moments, these thoughts eat at me greatly, but then I think back to playing Clair Obscur last night: running into the walls, either trying to find hidden paths or disguised switches, jumping around seeing if I am able to bypass any zones through sheer determination & Skyrim-horsing, and discovering broken builds on my own steam.
Quality assurance is not just a career for me, honestly it stopped being that long ago. It is hard-wired into my brain, bringing all the transferable skills along with it.
An eye for detail.
A problem-solving mindset.
Being able to throw myself at a wall as many times as necessary until it breaks.
Even if I end up speccing out my career into automation testing, once more embracing the programming life I thought I would leave behind forever, I will always be a manual QA at heart – because nothing brings my soul joy more than pushing software to its absolute limit.
I am good enough. My bad days do not define me. The mistakes and mishaps of my career do not mean I am not good enough. I am the sum of every success and scar across this long journey.
One thing that did help ease my impostor syndrome a little was an interview for a store manager retail role. It is not a role I feel I want to take, especially because it would mean leaving my current contract and team, but being able to have an interview again for the first time in almost four years genuinely helped me remember that I am someone with a good breadth of skills and a large amount of my favourite thing in the world: stories.
Stories about times I helped others, when others needed to help me, and every difficult experience that in the moment felt like it was the end of the world, but now look back at it knowing I got through it, almost with a weird fondness given how everything ended up.
My love for stories persists, even through the hard times – just wish I had more time and energy to write out the ones still inside my head.
But for now, we always have food reviews.
Oh yeah, I have missed getting to write this out. It is time for another exciting edition of…
Rosa Eats Her Way Around Shrewsbury!
It has been… far too long since I have got to write that. I have done food reviews in recent weeks but I have not actually talked about any of the food offerings in my adopted home for almost a month, and I have got a good one today.
On Tuesday, my partner & I went to the market to buy some supplies for upcoming dinners in the week… except that I went ahead to the cheese counter, while my partner’s eye was caught by a sandwich bar.
Upon returning to him, I fully understood why. They were offering “doorstop sandwiches” with any variety and amount of fillings you like for an extremely modest £5 – more expensive than what you get in terms of variety with a supermarket meal deal, but given the quality of the bread and the sheer amount of food, it definitely becomes worth it.
And I know that because I returned on Friday to Pete’s Sandwich Bar to get my own creation.
The above is their doorstop sandwich offering filled with chicken strips, coleslaw, pickled jalapenos, and sriracha mayo. The photo does not do the bread justice, this loaf was pillowy soft but still robust enough to hold up to all the moisture contained within my sandwich.
Speaking of moisture, this is exactly why I chose coleslaw as my main vegetable filling of choice, and gives me an opportunity to talk about my firm belief that coleslaw is the best accompaniment for any sandwich, wrap, or burger.
When it comes to adding moisture and crunch to any of the food items I listed, there is no better option than a beautiful coleslaw as it provides equal amounts of both, especially when the dressing is homemade and the person making it has the opportunity to add so many different ingredients such as English mustard, lemon juice, and grated garlic…
…yes this is just me talking about my own recipe for homemade coleslaw now, being able to consistently make good coleslaw has ruined supermarket offerings for me now it just does not hit the same without my additions.
Anyway, back on track. This was a fantastic sandwich, and getting to support a small, local business over a supermarket or a well-known sandwich chain that I have not actually eaten at for two years is well worth the extremely small premium I pay on top of a meal deal.
I will end off this food review though with a bit of introspection. I am extremely lucky to be in a position in my life currently where I am able to indulge in lunches that are made by small businesses, and to also be able to go out to cafes & restaurants as well.
I know this time may not last forever, especially with my current job uncertainty, but I at least want to take some time to acknowledge that I am lucky that I get to write about good food, even as part of my hobby.
That will cover everything for today, thank you for reading today’s edition of the Redundancy Review. Wherever you are I hope you are able to relax and take the weekend easy, I know what I will be doing: playing more Clair Obscur.
Good morning swordsmen and pikemen, welcome to Day 135 of Rosalia Rambles Redundancy Review.
Starting this one pretty late in the evening compared to how I normally get these done, had basically no chance to breathe during work today followed by a lunch where I was purely focused on recovery, before finishing up for the day and deciding that I wanted to focus primarily on eating for the night alongside playing some Clair Obscur: Expedition 33.
Absolutely fantastic game by the way, I am just over four hours into the game currently and I am having the time of my life. I think it might end up being too big to do a proper Redundancy Review on, but I definitely want to talk about it at some stage. The themes of the story, the writing, and especially the music are all top-notch with so much to say about all of it.
But for now, I want to write.
I have talked at length over the last couple of weeks about what the “purpose” of the Redundancy Review is. Documenting change, giving myself the opportunity to look back on where I was, and to clear my head from a busy day – though there is one painfully obvious purpose I have yet to talk about.
It keeps my brain sharp, and my writing skills in use almost every day, which I can see the results of in my everyday life… for the most part.
When friends or my partner ask for writing assistance, it usually comes quickly to me, be it for a quick naming suggestion, help in jazzing up some paragraphs for a job application, or even for the rare commission.
However, the fun part comes when I am asked to write any form of professional email at work. Deep down I know what I need to write and how to handle myself in any work correspondence, having done the task for almost two years after my mentor let me get hands on with production work.
But there is something that comes with doing that task that causes me to freeze up and overthink about what I need to write, performing several rewrites and word changes to make sure I am not coming off overly harsh, too friendly, or somehow sounding like I do not know what I am doing.
This has reminded me of two pieces of advice that both my mentor and the producer I worked incredibly closely with have given me. The former comes in regards to me talking to her about my overthinking once:
“Yes, I know you are an overthinker. That is why I do not give you the chance to think and give you so much to do so you focus on that instead.”
Harsh? Yes… but she has a point. If I am given enough to work on, and the work is sufficiently stimulating to my brain, I find myself getting into a rhythm before long which seriously helps quiet my brain.
The second piece of advice came as the producer and I talked about me going overly formal on client calls, making me wonder about the nature of professionalism:
“Professionalism is delivering your points clearly and not saying fuck.”
That one in particular has stuck with me, and it has actually helped inform how I handle professional interactions, letting myself sound more natural in how I explain things. I still go a little robotic from time to time, but my delivery has relaxed immensely.
In a way it is funny, I always worried about my professionalism when it came to delivering my work output, which itself is delivered on calls where a large portion of my plushie collection is on show for my colleagues to look at.
I do use virtual backgrounds when talking to external clients, as much as I feel like it would be a conversation starter.
For now though, I keep myself sharp through writing these reviews… which I should probably try write a review segment for today…
…yeah, let us have a “VThursday” as a complement to VTuesday, even though the name does not roll off the tongue the same way.
This was something I actually ordered back right before I lost my job, a canvas panel from the “holoAnimArt” series, a collection of original art depicting Hololive members as the animals that they adopt features from for their VTuber model. Being a massive Shirakami Fubuki fan, as I have talked about before on the Redundancy Review, it was a no-brainer to pick up.
I am surprisingly blown away by the quality of both the included print and the wooden easel it comes with for display purposes. The canvas itself has a loop in the back if I wanted to mount it on a wall instead but I really like the presentation of the easel, gives it a more rustic feeling that matches with the more realistic depiction of the Hololive member as an animal.
The only gripe I have with it, and this is most definitely a “first world VTuber fan” problem, is that because of the size of the easel and the canvas it does not fit well onto my pre-existing, yet admittedly overflowing, Fubuki shrine, so I either have to display it on its lonesome or commit to doing a full rearrangement of my displays in order to build a better Fubuki shrine.
You know, if that is one of the biggest problems facing me right now, then my life really is not that bad, for all the overthinking my brain likes to inflict upon me.
But that will do it for today, thank you for reading today’s edition of the Redundancy Review, my every day writing practice. Wherever you are I hope you are able to relax, it is Friday tomorrow, and the weekend is beckoning us ever closer.
Good morning impressionists and pointillists, welcome to Day 134 of Rosalia Rambles Redundancy Review.
One of the first things to fall for me when I enter into a depressive spike is my outward self-expression. My appearance starts to falter as I neglect doing a proper hair wash and shave to use what little energy I have on not smelling like the dumpster I feel I am, and my choice of clothing goes from the goth-lite style I typically enjoy to simple hoodie and joggers.
It definitely helps me to cope with the depression, I do not need to put much mental effort into deciding what I want to wear and can instead direct that energy into making sure I can do what is absolutely essential for the day.
In a way though, it becomes a self-perpetuating cycle. I find myself falling into a state of depression, which makes my self-expression slip, which worsens my depression because I struggle to feel like myself, which makes it harder to find the time to dress up all cute and fancy without it feeling like an obligation.
Writing definitely helps ease that feeling, or at the very least make me feel as if I am able to keep up with a form of self-expression, even if that mostly boils down to letting the words flow out of my head onto the page to make things more quiet up top – very much needed because of how noisy my brain feels right now.
On the plus side, I know my employment will at least last for the rest of the year, with some amount of uncertainty about what might come next depending on the work output of myself and the people I work with. It provides comfort and anxiety simultaneously, the former from the fact I know I can at least see out the rest of this year working towards a goal, and the latter from once more facing down the barrel of uncertainty in a highly competitive jobs market.
God this is turning into a proper ramble, I am struggling to keep my head focused on the task at hand and I keep veering off topic to talk about everything going on.
I think I am just going to do some affirmations before I head to the review segment, both for myself, and anyone reading who may need it.
It is tough to carry on right now, but I want to keep moving forward.
There is still so much room for me to grow, I can keep growing stronger.
My career has not peaked, I still have so much more to give to my field.
Everything I have been through has helped me become who I am today, I am the net result of every victory and every defeat.
Things feel overwhelming right now, but I will keep going.
There is still so much beauty in this world I am yet to bear witness to, and I want to be able to put my own stories into the world.
I teared up a little bit writing that all down if I am honest.
Anyway, time to go into the review segment for today, which… is less a review, and more just a discussion about my fursona.
Meet Rosa, the Arctic Fox & Phoenix hybrid. She is essentially my “truesona”, being a reflection of myself more than an actual character I would embody, down to her having similar proportions to what my actual body looks like IRL. This reference sheet was drawn by my friend Ely, who I think did a fantastic job with the entire thing.
So, why did I make the design choices that I did with her?
Part of it comes from my background in playing Monster Hunter. In both Rise and World I had armour & weapon setups that focused on the idea of fire (or blast, in this case) and ice, which slowly evolved into becoming my signature loadouts with me even developing lore based around the two Elder Dragons that the weapons were derived from.
This elemental aesthetic inspires not only the animal choices for the fursona itself, but for the colour detailing on her as well, with the orange & blue markings representing her two elemental affinities, the colours being matched in the eyes two.
Fun fact: I have given enough of my characters that are supposed to represent me heterochromia that I have had to write a note down that reminds me which eye is supposed be the chromatic one, as it is always a blue right eye with an unnatural colour for the right eye – orange for the fursona, and pink for any of my Monster Hunter characters.
But I want to dive deeper on why the phoenix was chosen as one half of this hybrid. The arctic fox part is easy enough to explain: it is a creature associated with cold environments and I absolutely love foxes.
The phoenix has a lot of personal connection to me though, and it started long before I became a furry.
Initially, my connection to the mythical creature came through my first D&D character, Marieya Ebontide, someone who I have written a lot of fiction about and still need to give her a proper ending. After coming up with a part of her backstory on the fly for a nothic to dig into, that small fact soon evolved into developing her as a sorcerer suppressing her powers, gifted to her by having the soul of a phoenix.
Over time, I found myself connecting with the concept of the phoenix more. I related it to my own challenges, how each time I got brought down to my lowest point I would always find a way to rekindle myself to come back stronger than I did before.
Fire dims, colour fades, and feathers shed – but nothing lasts forever, and whatever is bringing me down low fades, letting my flames reignite once more to let my true nature shine through.
I will finish up this review by going into the painful and excruciating details as to why my truesona has wings…
…wings are fucking awesome.
Simple as.
While they do a good job at helping hammer home the phoenix aspect of the character, they are mainly there for being damn awesome, even in the small amounts of lore I have written for her I specify that they are not flight-capable wings, primarily there to add lift to jumps or stabilise herself during acrobatic manoeuvres.
That pretty much covers it all for today, thank you for reading today’s edition of the Redundancy Review. Wherever you are I hope you have been able to get past the hump day feelings and are able to look forward to the weekend coming soon.
Rosalia Rambles 